SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17336, 6 December 1919, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

CANTEEN EXPERIENCE. Mrs. Motitmorency-Smythe was giving a little dinner, and her table-maid left without notice during the morning. In despair the good lady tackled her new cook. "Jane," she asked tearfully, " what shall I do? Can't you wait at table?" " Not in the dining room," was cookey's firm response. " But I've had some canteen experience, so if you'll line »p your guests and send them here with - their plates, I'll see that they get all that's comin' to them!" WHICH ONE? ' Th aspiring amateur had given an imitation of a celebrated actor who was present at the performance. Afterwards the aspiring amateur succeeded in getting an introduction. " Did you see my imitation of vou, sir ?" he asked ingratiatingly. " Yes, I saw it." (( "And," persisted the aspiring youth may I not ask you to give me your verdiet on the excellence and fidelity of my art as disclosed in the impersonation of yourself?" "Well, one of us is rotten." SOMETHING DIFFERENT. A lady called on some friends on a warm afternoon recently. Conversation was brisk but through it all the daughter of the house kept on frowning and making little smothered exclamations of displeasure, and generally manifesting symptoms of acute distress. At last, with an impatient sigh, she rose and left the room. " I'm afraid your daughter is suffering from the heat," said one of the tests'* sympathetically. ° ' "Oh, no," replied the hostess. "She has just come home from college, and is suffering from the family grammar! " FELT SAFE. A gentleman dropped into a state of coma, and it was several days before he fully recovered. Later he spoke of his experience to a party of friends. " Oh, yes," the young man said in response to a question, " I knew all the time what was going on, and I also knew that I wasn't dead, because my feet were cold and I was hungry." " I see," thoughtfully said one of his friends; "but how did that make you think that you were still alive?" Well," answered the gentleman, "I knew that if I were in heaven I wouldn't ' be hungry, and that if I were anywhere else my feet wouldn't be cold." " SURE SIGNS. Gwendoline sighed softly, and wept "Harold!" she blubbered, "You do not love me." The young man started violently, knitted I his brow fiercely, and an excited flush I enveloped his countenance. "Gwendoline!" he gasped, as he recov- I ered from the shock. "Gwendoline!" he repeated. " You astound me! When a ' man deliberately misses the last car for ' seven nights in succession, when he attempts to learn the latest jazz steps just ' to please a fair maiden, when he tolerates j the cheek and impudence of her rascally young brother, and constantly sniffs up his nostrils the hated scent of Eau de Cologne —to suggest he is not a victim of Cupid's j bow and? arrow a positive insult!" DECIDEDLY AMBIGUOUS. He had been worshipping her for months, but had never told her, and she didn't want him to. He had come often and stayed —very late—and she could only sigh and hope. He was going away the next day on a holiday, and he thought the last night was the time to spring the momentous question. He kept it to himself, however, until the last thing. It was eleven-thirty by the clock, and it, was not a very rapid clock. : " Miss Mollie," he said tremulously, | " I am going away to-morrow." " Are you?" she said with the thought- J lessness of girlhood. j Yes," he replied. "Are you sorry?" " Yes, very sorry," she murmured. " I thought you might go away this evening." Then he gazed at the clock wistfully and said good-night. j NO SHARPER. j A countryman, visiting London for the first time, got into' conversation with a seedy-looking individual, and during the conversation he let drop the remark that he would not mind giving ha!f-a-crown to see a real. London sharper. j " Well, keep it dark," said the other, : " but I don't mind telling you that I am one." ' * j " If that's so," said the countryman, ' "I suppose I'll ha' to give thee the arfcrown." This he did, with the remark, " But let's hae some o' thy tales." ( I Accordingly, the supposed sharper re- ! : lated several good yarns, and the countryman, much pleased, said: "Well, thee must be a real London sharper. Just give me that 'arf-crown back, and I'll gie thee five shillings." Without hesitation the bosus sharper returned the half-crown, holding out his hand for the promised five shillings. Whereupon, to his astonishment, the countryman pocketed the coin, and made off with the remark: " Thee's no sharper, or thee'd 'a kept the 'arf-crown when thee 'ad it." TOO LATE. Mr. J. C. Percy tells the following amusing story in " Bulls and Blunders" — " Pat and Biddy, one wet night, took shelter in a temperance meeting in New York. They were both greatly impressed with the address, and before leaving they were asked to sign the pledge. Pat ex- I plained that he suffered from internal pains and had to take a little whisky ' for ! his stomach's s;ke.' The temperance worker remarked that taking stimulants medicinally would in no way affect his pledge. So on this understanding Pat , and Biddy ' signed on.' - " On the way home the Irishman suggested to his wife that in case of emer- ' gencies thev had better buy a bottle of whisky. Biddy acquiesced. The bottle was purchased, taken home, and put awav. For three whole days Pat struggled to he faithful to his temperance certificate. At length he could hold out no longer, so ; went to his better half, saving. ' Biddv, j I have got cramps. I fee! I would Tike'a I drop nut of that bottle.' | " ' I'm sorry, Pat,' said Biddy, * you're ' too late. I was ill all day yesterday mv- j self.' " " AN OFFICE ARTIFICE. A. certain city man used to tell a story I against himself. "I went one day," he said "to see a'busy man in the city, and being verv interested in my business I am afraid I ! talked rather at- length, and perhaps consumed a good deal of his time. Jfresently the telephone on his desk rang, and he picked up the receiver. ' All right, -n a minute,' he said; 'I will be with you almost immediately. I am busy with a gentleman now, but we are about i through.' " I "I started to hurry my final remarks, but I became so interested again that I talked longer than I intended. Again trie > telephone hell rang, and he picked up the !i receiver. ' Yes, I'm coming,' he said, and ; turning to me he continued, ' I have an ' appointment on the floor above, so I must 1 ask you to excuse me fur a few minutes.' > "He then went nut of the room. As I < was anxious to say a few more words I j waited. Several times I thought I heard « someone approach the door through which J he had gone, but ten minutes passed with- J out his returning. I paced up and down I the floor," and in my journeying I suddenly * noticed a button at the end of his desk t where his hand had rested, and out of t curiosity I touched it. To my surprise the a telephone bell rang. I made an c examination, and discovered that the I telephone was connected with nothing but t that button, and realised that he had 2 rung it to get rid of me. Needless to say, 1 I sneaked out as quickly as possible. ?