ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17294, 18 October 1919, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

Ni»,»": "Percy has bought this donkey 5 - t 'iii itor bail>y. M Aunt : "How like dear Percy." f "What is hereditary "Something a '■; father believes in lmtil his son starts to act liak a fool" * - * "Well old feltowy did you learn to make -~. love in French "Yea,, but I didn't learn the language.** Teacher i " Willie, do yon love your enemies V* Willie: "Yes, miss, when I meet) at once," She : ** Do you remember that yon once proposed to mo and. that I refused you?" Ha : " Yes, "Jiat is one of my most beautiful memories. ** Mrs. Tracey : "Do yon realise, my dear, that yon have never done anything to save your fellow-men any suffering?" Tracey: " Didn't I micny yon?" John: " Here, Freddie, half a moment." Freddie (running with letter in his hand) : " Can't stop ! This is an important letter, end if I miss the [tost I shall catch it." Johnny : " I want sixpence to' give to » lame man. Mother: "You shall have it ! And who is the lame man T" Johnny : **Oh. he's th'» door-keeper at the picture palace." The man from Cook's (on a personallyducted tour in the Loire): " This castle was built bv Francis I." Perspiring Tourist: "Well, why the deuce did h fl build it so far from the railway station J" " What's '.be difference between a drama and a melodrama,!"' '* Well, in a drama the heroine merely throws the villain over. In a melodrama she throws him over a cliff." " There gcw>s another married man !*' said a girl in charge of a candy counter. "How do you know?" naked the cashier. "He used to buy a three-pound box of candy twice a week, and now he buys half a pound ence a month J" " You are an hour late this morning, Sam." " Y<B, sir, I know it. I Was kicked by a horse on my way, sir." " That ought not to have detained you an hour, Sam." " Well, sir, it wouldn't hare if he'd only kicked me in this direction ; but he kicked me the other way." A boy, finding employment in an office, was told by tho boss that he was to answer the. telephone; so, one. day when.the bell rang, he took down tho receiver and shouted "Hullo! Who's thers?" "1 am one hundred and five '." cam« the reply. " Go on," said the boy, " it's time you were dead." Bald-headed gentleman (in barber's shop) : " You ought to cut my hair , cheaper; there is nothing much to cut." Hairdresser : " Oh, no. In your rase we don't charge for cutting the hair; w« ; charge for having to search for it." There is a tradition attached to a factory in Nottingham of a workman who was taken by the master with a party to Skegness. It Was his first view of the —and! after gating silently at the wav<«« he touched bis master on the arm and said with a sigh : " Eh ' master, if it war but beer." Friend of the family 'bursting info the kitchen) : "Hullo, old fellov, you're *. ashing up the cups and saucers, then?" New scullion (sorrowfully): "" Yes, it was always my wish to marry our lady mem- . k>er of parliament, as you know, but this carious fact arises that as long as she's in the ' House,' I'm in th* home '' IN THE EBSTAUBANT* — Quest : " Bring me a Welsh rarebit, a broiled lobster, and a piece of mince-pie." Waiter : " Will yoii please write out tbajb order, and sign it. sir?" , G.est: "What for?" Waiter : "As a Fart of evidence for the house to show the coroner,, sir." WISE. The small boy had been to a party, and as he was leaving the "hostess said to him : ;*"• Well, Tommy, yoa can I*ll your mother for me that you are best-behaved boy at the table, I've ever"- met." "Thank you, very much," said the child, blushing, " but I'd rather not." "Bather not ' the- said in surprise; ** and -why not?" "Well,*'* he answered, " she'd think I was 01, and send for the doctor." ONLY RESTING. The,/small boy had been very naughty, m bis mother bad sent him-away from the table, without any dessert. For an hour be sat sobbing in the corner, but a*, last, as nobody took any notice of him, he thought it was time to cease. " Now you've finished making thai horrible noise, 1 * said his mother, "I hope you are going to be a good boy." " I haven't finished," he said passionately, breaking forth into sobs once again, **I was only resting." OUTE. Tk» fond parents had striven valiantly for some considerable time to teach little Effie to say the letter " A." At last the father, giving up in disgust, left the roam. " Now, why don't you say 'A?' " inquired the. mother, as she took the child upon her knee. " Because after I say "A' father and yets will expect me to say * B' " was the unexpected reply. UNEASY. Sunday afternoon and the sun shining beautifully. Coming in opposite directions were two urchins, and they exchanged glances of recognition. " Hullo, Sanday! Whaur hiv ye been!" asked one. " FishuV up the river," answered the other. "Did ye catch anything?" " No' —uneasily—" I bavena been hame yet!" THE SKELETON OP COLUMBUS. A prominent public man, whose one hobby is collecting curios, tells of an amusing incident which occurred whilst he was on a visit to the States. He- was looking around a big antique shop in New York when he espied a large skeleton in the corner of the establishment On asking the assistant for particulars he was met with the reply, " That is the skeleton of Christopher Columbus." " And who is the small one beside it?" he inquired. " Oh," said the assistant, " that is the skeleton of Christopher Columbus when he was a boy." EXPLAINED. A teacher in a Sonday-Mcbool had been giving her scholars an address on the Creation, which she felt, sure she had kept within the comprehension of the cnildren, and «*t the conclusion she invited question-. A small boy eagerly held up his hand. " Please, ma'am," he said, " why was Adam never a baby?" ' The teacher felt somewhat doubtful as to what answer to give, when a little girl ot nine, who was the eldest of several bro Men and sisters, promptly came to her •rl'wi?** 6 * m *' Am «<> said, " I know. Oos there was nobody to nuss him." DOGGY. iwfeed? 10 "** [b Who fiddled »»*• Boy. "Hector, sir!" blaster: "No, not Hector Tw • » Boy: " Then Wo, sir!"" Try •*«""■ Master: «*Ca<-lr>t im.<,i j Boy. " Well th.n « *.** you "•« ? " or Carlo, it mnS h f rt u Wasn fc Hec^ knew it was SSJt wiithTJ^ 0 ' * SMJFaj;{"- tt a d °B a name,