SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17294, 18 October 1919, Page 5 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

;. 'i *~ COULD, IF lIE LinrD. i!h» farmer and his fair ▼" ,i mg cousin from the city were going round the farm together, and the farmer was l rapidly falling beneath the spell of .the X 'own maiden's eyes. Yon see, she knew the way to do it. "Now, th-its' a pretty scene,' he said, pausing beside the fence of a paddock in which a cow and a calf weTe rubbing noses together in bovine love. The sight r> f it makes me want to do the same." "Well, go on," said the sweet young thing placidly; "it's your cow. you know." POOR GRANDPA! Johnaie had rained a splendid lot of prize chrysanthemums in his grandlather's garden by playing footbcJJ therein against express orders, and a court--nartial was held, with grandma as th« presiding genius. "Johnniu," she said, "who destroyed those flowers?" Johnnie thought for a moment. "Sister Kathleen," he said. "Now, now," observed grandpa reprovingly, "be a man. Say 1 did it.' " A smile of relief lit tap little Johnnie's countenance. "Oh, yes," he cried, "that's' rightgrandpa did it!" A WONDERFUL WORLD. "Don't talk to me about the wonders of past ages," said Uncle Joe Cannon. "The world to-day is far more- wonderful than ever before. Just think. It took Columbus as many months as it now takes days to cross the ocean and we talk shoot flying and tr»T«lling a mile a minute as though they were nothing. "Why. the other day I dropped into a tountry school just in time t> hear the teacher ask : " Johnny, into what two great classes is i.he human race divided?' And Johnny answered promptly: 'Motorist* and pedestrians.' "That's what I call progress. After awhile there won't be any pedestrians." Q.B.D. A junior counsel, who was once arguing :i case before Lord Esher, kept cont nuaih using the letters "Q.B.D. ' At length Lord Esher demanded angnlv. "What do you mean bv Q.H.Li. '' Counsel replied in amazement, "Why, my lord. Queen's Bench Division, of "Wei' " answered Lord Esher. gazing at him with indignant burning eyes, "if you i cm (Queen's Bench Division, why don't Mm say Queens Bench Division? When coi;n?el keeps hejving at mv head every i»ecoiHi :hi< Q.B.D. and that Q.B.D. and thr othei Q IIR, I feel inclined to sav to him. I' H.l).' " HUMOUR ON THE DOVER PATROL On one dark night, the moved into the midst of a lot of drifters troni Ramsgate. and they forthwith challenged her. The destroyer took no notice: the senior officer of the Ramsgate Patrol, b» nig on board one of the drifters, in- ' eisted on a reply. None was forthcoming, and so, taking ' a megaphon, Captain —, R.N., shout- j ed angrily. j 'TThnt destroyer is that?' I 'Oh, go to -- !" was the —'s reply, j The challenging then ceased, and Cap- ; ''" --. 1! N'.. reported the matter in • writing to the idmiral. j. In the inter he wrote : "The language! rs"t! in replying to my hail convinced j nit that I was talking to' a friend." IT WAS! ALL AN ILLUSION. The late Dr. Mouillott received a hurried (.ill from a firmer who lived in co. i V\e.<foul. He found him suffering from I & i eiv severe alack of pneumonia. , "In tin- name of goodness, Pat, what have vmu been doing to yourself?" j ".Nothing at all, ver honour,'" was the ' reply. Where were von yesterday asked the doctor. "A the fair of Ferns." was the answer "What did you do afterward* i" "I walked home, yer honour, and when I reached the house I took mv . hat and trousers off, and hung them oil the hack of the door, and went to bed. ! I'it begorra. when I woke in the mornin'. I was lying in a wet ditch, and my trousers were hanging from a branch of -. tret." POLITE. After years of patient strap-hanging he 1 ..id ceased to complain, and had resigned himself to the inevitable, ana did not expert, a seat in exchange for his fare as he journey home by tube from the city, i.ii j now ne wag getting old. However, ■■•<> evening he felt buund mildly "to exI istulatit with the individual who was sitting in the seat below the strap to which he was pathetically clinging. "Excuse me sir," he said in a gentle voice, "hut would you he so kina as to move your portmanteau from the passa.'e : I can scarcely find room to stand.' "Move my portmaneteau''' said the other with a gasp, "What on earth do ;oi: mean, sir' Those are my feet." "Ts that so?" was the reply. "Then perhaps you would be kind enough to pile them one above the other.' A DECEPTION THAT FAILED. A man who for many years had been ci nfldential clerk to a certain lawyer was in the habit of visiting a neighbouring saloon every morning at eleven o'clock for the purpose of taking a small glass of whisky. He was, however, not proud of the habit, and consequently after the whisky he always took a clove. If. happened one morning that there were no cloves in the bar, so after considering the matter he decided to eat a small pickled onion, as he thought it would no doubt destroy the tell-tale whisky as well as the clove had done. .on after he returned to his desk, how- ( . »r, he discovered that something was 'wrong, as several times he noticed his employer give a «niff, and at last the latter, with a snort of disgust, turned to him and said : — 'Look here, John I've stood whisky and clove for nearly 20 years, but I draw lie line at whisky and onions.' WORSE. With an exercise book on his knees, a looking schoolboy sat in the corner of the compartment scribbling for dea;p life. Occasionally he glanced through the window, evidently for inspiration, and sometimes there wag an anxious frown on h:s face. Impressed by the youngster's activity an _ ole gentleman in the opposite corner had his curiosity aroused. " Can't you manage it?" he asked, in a sympathetic tone. "Manage what, sir?" the youngster replied. '' Why, that problem you're working out f>r your home lessons." " Home lessons'" exclaimed the lad, with a sunny smile. "This is ten times worse than home lessons. Dm picking our team for Saturday, and I've got sixteen men for eleven places." ABSENT THAT DAT. A certain methodical teaches had a regular routine of questions which she asked It (lass every Sunday. The class was aiways arranged in the same order, and she 1 ."can with the same que_Ttion : "Who made you ?" and the boy at the head of the class answered, "G-od." Then to the i<-xt hoy. " Who was the first man " com! he answered " Adam." One Sunday the first hoy was absent, and of course the n-oia] second boy was at the head of the class As usual she began by asking, " Who made you,** and the boy answered, " Adam." '" No," the teacher said, *' God marie on " " I don't think so, miss,*" the boy replied, " the boy that 0«d made » Bei'here to-day."