ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17276, 27 September 1919, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

" I bought a hunting dog last week." "A pointer?'- "No; a, diuappointer." Emily had bean taken to have a tooth filled. " Mamma," 6he asked after it wa« all over, "is that man called a dentist because ho fills dents?" " I always like to heai a man say what ha thinks." *' But people who always say what they think usually think such disagreeable tilings."

Unlucky Motorist (having k£Lied the lady's pet puppy): " Madame, 1 ■•will rephi e the animal." Indignant Owner: "Sir, you flatter yourself!"

Sho: " I'm sorry you asked me to marry you. It pains mo to refuse." He; Oh, well, don't worry. Perhaps you know best what I'm escaping."

Defendant (in a loud voice): Justice! Justice! I demand justice!" Judge; Silence The defendant will please remember that ho is in a court-room."

'* The man who gives in when he is wrong," said the street orator, " is a wise man, but he who gives in when be is right is—" " Married !" said a meek voice in the crowd.

*' So you loved and lost, eh, old chap ?" " On the contrary, I came out a winner." "How was that?" She returned my presents and accidentally put in soma of the other fellow's."

" What do you think !** exclaimed the theatrical star, proudly. " They are going to name a new cigar after me." Well," said the manager, " here's hoping it. will draw better than you do."

Pickpocket (visiting friend in caol): " I hired a lawyer for you this mornine. Slim, but I had to hand him my watch as a retainer." Pal: " And did he keep it?" Pickpocket: "Ho thinks he did."

An interpreter in Egypt failed to tuna np one day, sanding to his employer, by the way of excuse, a note in English that sjid ; " My absence is impossible. Some one has removed my wife. My God, I un annoyed."

" Spare a copper, pretty Lady, for a poor blind man." "Poor fallow, and von cannot sea at all ?** " No, lady !'* The Spinster dropped a halfpenny issto the tin mug and passed on. " And I called her ' pretty !' " growled the beggar. Mistress-: " Have yon made all arrangements foT your marriage, Bridget?" Bridget: " Well, not quite, mum. I've got to buy a trooso, an' rent a house an' get my husband a job, an' buy him & good suit o' clothes, and get some reg'lar wELshin' work to do. An' when that's done I can name the happy day." Myra: " What caused all the disturbance down at your house last night?" Thyra: Oh, nothing much. Young Charles Simpkinf called and tried to propose to me." Mvra: " Well, what of that?" Thyra: Father heard him say he was on fire with a mighty lovsand be put him out." "Is your wife a good cook!" asked .•ernebody of the young man who had recently married a college graduate. •' Weil," replied the proud young husband, thought/ally, " the can boil water without burning it.' Kind Friend : " Don't givii waty to despair. If your wifevhaa run away with your best, friend try voter ntmcet to forget her." Sufferer: "Oh, I can forget her all right. It's my poor friend, that worries me. To think of what he'll have to endure '." NOT WELL KNOWN. " Do you know Joner? ?" " I lent him a tenner this morning. I should say I <3o know him." "You lent him a 'tenner? Then I should say you don't know him." AN IMPORTANT POINT. " Yoar wife has imaginary ailments." " Urn." '' " I'll just give her some imaginary raedicir.e. ' " Um. What bind of a bill are you going to render in ibis case, doc. ?" SO ABES OCT TRAMPS. " Much bothered with tramps out your way ?" " I was until I tacked up a sign on ray gate." "Ah ! * Beware of the dog/ I guppose." " Oh, no. Simply, ' Farm help wanted.' " PAST OF THE TREATMENT. Patient, (to pretty nur&o): " WjJ you be my wife when I recover? 1 ' Pretty Nurse: "Certainly.** Patient: " Then you love roe?" Pretty Nurse: "Oh, no; that's merely part of the treatment. I mast keep my patients cheerful. I promised this mornLr.g to run away with a man who had lent both his legs." UNPLEASANT SIGNPOSTS. Jcoiali MoneygTub was eating breadami -milk. " What's '.he matter?" inquired » fri'-nd. " Got dy.-pep?ia." " Don't you enjoy your meals?" "Enjoy my meals?" snorted the indignant dyspeptic.. "My meals are mi rt'ly signp<J:'s to take medicine before or after." WORTH REPEATING. Little Eleanor (after gazing intently for a long time at Siller Annie' sweetheart): " May I climb up on your knee for a imnnte, Mr. Smith?" Mr. Smith: " Yw, pot, if you Hie. Want to pull my whiikers again, eh?" " No, I want to see if I can find thai Wn-d " " \V..-d' What word?" " Wli\, I heard p:s'.er f>av that if ever ft man hi I lb-, w/.rd 'noodle' written on «.» fucv, li. v.'U AT.L THE DIfFERENOE. i nnrij Writer <* -i thf> editor) : " If yon think m, »'•) ;-|«5 g,,,id. why won't yon lei it"? pit, i ,1 ma to it?" I rlitr.r " li<--.LM;-e nobody would read it ;f T d"i " V III".' V. r ltr- " But von bad in ; ir ' "! '• '•>' <»•«• Duke of Ditrhwater in I' ' n '".b.-r, :i«id \~u put hi> name I ' '''t. r ' v.T-ilv- I, •, nobedv would! h'' - r«-.i< 1 ,1. i I hadn't." URGENT. A \o.'b of ! rcl.ind man wanted to send a «• •egi.un to a friend in a remote part ' ' UIA ; lnn Jbe '-l-rk told him the ' - .'-e v. . mid bo one itii. ling arid nine- /■ i; e. I> 'i !! .w d.. you make that out?" asked , . P'''" for the, wire and a shilling , ' 'J""'-,' v ? 0,1,1 di' the radius," answered .. , i " lt handed," retorted Paddy. ,' ! 1 frl( ' thf> telegram and I'll write '•• ■' my if.r-- '* t'. ,t!l for it " ONE FOH PAT. '' 'In ■* lr "' i n and a Scot wore arguinjr J. ' ' 111 ' r »t o oi their respective counri ' v,,lr ' .Sandy. " they tore a .". ' f-r.ln m Scotland and i' h .,i ,I' 'V . A ' r " s U'.der it, v>!ii. h shows i . ' 1 •'P- 5 ua: known there hunv ears a rr> " . fin oi)m' J-"'-, " ,! " - v tore down $i re, wires' 7, •" .1"' ii ' a '"' tll, ' r *' "a« I t} '-it tlu-v k-.'.'.w "X""7 'I' ' V!, ", h ' I,OWB 1 E rri ['hv i r ii, .1 , hundrer^v^ W& : nuudreds av veiirs