ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17270, 20 September 1919, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

\i V ' •■■••• ••■•' ——"—* '••■■ -■•-•■ ■ ~ Smith.: ; a did the doctor say ?" : : Brown:. ** K® felt Jones* purse, •■ and. said • • '.' there was si©.;, hope." ■■■■■■ ; '■'•.".'' 'Small bay* of"ftvej '. who has'never'." seo» "'■* surpliced choir before : ** Mother, .what < -sro all thtab'.Jitflfl' 1 clergymen for???;: ; _ , ; Johnny { "'Pa, when is the freedom of a -city given to a-man-?" Pis J "When bis ■.>wife goes to' the country tear * few weeks' ' .holiday-,'' \ -. „;„ ''"•"' , t ,m "'How cad Hicks ; manage to reform ;- thst nagging wife of his?" " M Bribed -her -"' ?''masseuse to tell her* that talk caused K f wrinkles.** ,'< -~..". ,J ''■■-:- $c y ... . ' •*';^; ;V J ' PriscaHaj **Do you-' think he will steal ' / -another tesf" jMyrtallaj "Well, they say a criminal ilWay, 9 returns: to the scene '■?-"■■ 'tot ha criflfl." ; ?!f >" !.' < « **Wby do you call Wombat a Napolcxra Of finance?" "Because he had his salary raked six months ago, and bis wife hasn't - foond.it out yet' MotSarz "What ia your husband's income now. Pamela?!' Married Daughter; "Well, it's usually between, one and four o'clock in the morning." The Vicar ** Do you give your dog any exercise, Mr. Hodgson?" Farmer Hodgson: " Oh, yes; he goes for a ~ tramp nearly every day." She: "They say Mr. Destyle is financially embarrassed." He: " Well, he's ..horribly in debt but it would take more than that to embarrass him"

;, '"' c * That famous soprano jou had at your !■• t dinner party last night sang like » bird." I " Like a bird is right! I was conscious «; - of her bill" the entire evening." ? Mistress: ** Come, Mary, aren't thoso ,;«gga ready.yet!" Mary: "WelL mum, , .tho,y*'vra been on 20 minutes, and rve just , stuck a fork in, but they ain't soft yet." .- '■ ■ i ; ■ I- thjs is a g^^'fep6r|uhity! Snail mvestment, norwk, and enormous ■retorns abcolntery?- sura. ,, t;* v M Then I |,' : waoldn't .hi»To the heart «>* deprive you I of it." .. *-, ": ■ f i; *"And now shaH w« spend- sa hour m ? any bbnkryT' *-I'm agreeable." "Which - bot* do you pKelerr*'---:*!' Just gimme a I "'l%\ « < 3 S«^^vpai^ and I'll bo satte isfied. ■'% f ' _ -Wans a job <aa night ; watcfaraaa, eh' v r Hsev« you *ny rdferences ?" *' No, bat rto P -IP* a doctor's certificate showing that Vvft been a sufferer from insomnia for the W: '■• rt"** five yearn." ' I -4 t Mis. anytho: « What a jewel of a butm >fer you have! He most have had many M years' eaporianc*'' Mm. Browne: *"Noi SI learned jusl? reootttly that aft ha knows j he teamed from the movie butlers." - ¥ t EngHehman (Wmraff of ; Naples, I &SWgM ; Vostivrtts): "Tou've nothing Ske that m America!" Yank: "No but fl, we've got Niagara Falls, and they'd' put the dumed thing in five minutes. An Englishman tawveffing in the remote '"■ Highlands remarked to a villager: ."*£nfe "f ji™* on earth do you do* when anyone 13" xUT You cws never get to a doctor "in ■p.- ■ tone. ' "Nau, sir," replied Sandy, "we I : just dee a naifeura! death." [ "?, #* Father: ".Arid so you ant to marry /,H'my daughter, do you! What are your i •.;,prosp<attsT" Prospective Suitor: "Well '" ,w -er-I havtm't any. But I have a-rich •,.-. nncle who is ill at present—". Father: ! y,, '"That's right, my. boy. When is the J, ;. wedding going to be?" '#/•*!* : -4-«: " « An Irishman, invited by a magisterial ? V ; . -J£ bench to expound his version of -a street r /\ fight in wbich had been a leading par'hf. I?' fccipator, observed: ** 'Twas tAis way, ft' ■■' ;. yer 'aimer. Tho yomiff fefler was there * 6eflkin , troubl&-«eek^i , trouble,' yer ;'' * *£ 'aimer— I acchomodated him." «HB SPAEK. « The ctething merchant found his clerk I -;.;„ '. S **.*b» floor looking dazed and fevered. l j;K; 4j "What's happened?" he inquired. ' ty, " An Irishman came in for an overcoat «do_l asked him if be wanted an jilster,* 5 »»] replied the vanquished one. * v THE: DELaTCHG GtraT. iv', ' V Isdy ! had kept > fe ? hostess j,;;., at ; the open door fully half an hour saying £,; V good-bye. FinaMy an*' irate mascuhal i*;.- ... . voice indoors called out: .... 0 ' i ; "' "Say. ; Maria, if you're going out, go; I; ? if you're staying, stay; bat for heaven's 1 * sake don't ooze out."- ■„■ ~/ ■j '■ ';'■ &■■■■' -'Vsi* ,-y'v ,-... :i ; r^' ;7 '*'".' "' r -' 1 :, -.' ■■■■■-iJ j ■ HIS WO'BSBTG SCHEDXTLg. •'! .. J " How long has'that clerk worked for i $ yon?* asked tiie Caller. IS ft** NIP "Plm4 *be bo». ' 1 ' » A - --* ««*«»* he had "here longer! than that," said the Caller. ;.;-. ...vt >;m j J t„ '"Efe lias/' *^d* V: t3ba'.bb&*r '"He' has w-en here for four months." ■ : ' .\c'y.vx-; his progeess. ■ Bo |*Sj' ad Dofc been at school long, and J? 8 Wt. *f «»>• borne in a merrier mood than usual. / " "Bobbyi,'* said inn mother,. "what did ( 5 learn to-day "QoUl Muvver, I discovered a ' ; ' : now WfiffcE&nt out of school for an hour, by:«ittffing red ink put apse," said he.' w rsE MmoitiTT. *' .. fctt.George Bernard Shaw produced ' Androclee," the house rose at thejEall of. the curtain and the author was ; brought on the stage to bow to the storm of applause. A solitary man in the gallery^ehOuted: "I call it rot!" "My friend," said G. 8.5., "I quite agree with you, bat what are we two against ~BQ,many of a contrary opinion?" - WAHTESJ A 2PAIB SfABS», He had been trying to go to sleep for on hour or more in the crowded bell-tent 3ut it was all in vain the snores of hS co.npanions would not let baa. At last he could stand it no longer, and he went round nudging each and savin? together*!" 1 ™ T ' P ' ' Md^ et ' s aU £° to sleip CIEOXTMSPEOnOW. " «.- „* m T «a"ible of the honour you do me, Sir. Johnson, i n the proposal of martfage yon have just made >" said the £vL g wl,- y w g , lady ' " hut « ever which I have no control compel ma to decline the honour " TOin Pei ma , nan Si***!," 6 th ° SC c^«nnstanc«s ?" domanded the young man. " Your circumstances, Mr. Johuson." ESTEAOaaiNARY OOTJETEff?. Fithelbert Cbolmondelav t>«^ m n ' , humelf to lose his temper. His courtS? too, was proverbial. Therefore wheThe was mterrapted in the middle of hi iced pudding by a bounder trying to steal his overcoat tag action was characteristic. He allowed the thief to get to the door, and then touched mm on the arm apologetic- " Sorry to trouble you," he fi aid, " but would you allow me to get a cigar out of my coat pocket, in case I don't see vou again? J 'OTJTE! An old native minister in a West Indian yffi fc,ar Mu,,d bjtiw d »=» feiK 1 ! arranged, my brethren " sit ring a bell dal"caTL A-^ lt will by ß de entire heard fall a button mTvwt ! Ut - ,f - vou le * a pistol." ' y breftr «, :>fc will fiah off