ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17205, 5 July 1919, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

fe the infcerira?** Wit-Bess; " 2Co, sir. He , •■■ • : wemVhooo in a tax L** : .Vf; , ;•..'..;} V' , ,• ■.'■' "Is it fcrae that the picture joe just j»>!d H a gor-utso Trork of art 2'* ISO, 7C ? fric-jwi, :■.'' : hut ik& sfery J *-d about & wa*. * ' Hit lK?s>«** That fellow TeJhufl is'. the ..'■-. &i{g^''-^it\vfhat>\U'fres.rHe*B*-%.**.' ? -' Mrs.- •;.,-.. Fipp'i j*ou/'forget yourself." r "' ' Patiences^'. *?Basß*k ?-Ess'• got' . searching eycsl?; Bettys, " Wegi-'X fioa'fc wonder at.it. ' i" 1 Sh,e*_ been looking* lest a husband fa? 23 years." ■ ; John:'•»''! heard "you congratulating Mr. Scribbles <« ha «hort stories. What on earth do you 1 find to admire about them l" Bills «*"lhair ahorteesa.'* ?' ;"■> ■ .'' :** ~'*: " May I have just oca more dance?" " Weil," this must bo the last. People will think you're in love with as." "Oh! nothing of the sort—4t's merely that you're the only girl here I know !" Prospective Housemaid '(late monitionetie): "An* 'ow many cbildran, might X hard:? Exasperated Prospective Employer: "Three; but we could drown a couple, if you'd prefer it.**

Judge (sternly) ** The next person who intercepts the proceedings will be expelled from the court. The Prisoner (enthusiastically} : " Hooray J Now I've done it! Lemma go!" . Amanda: "Do you remember ten years ago, when yon confessed your love for me, how cruelly I refused yoa ? I'm older now, and think differently," Algernon: "Well —er—-so do L" Mamma: "When- thai boy , threw atones at yen, why didn't you "come- and tell me instead ©f throwing them back?** little Sen: "Tell you! Why, yo* couldn't hit a barn door." , v Park Orators "As* I tell yer that them millionaires* money is faiinted—all;on it." Unconvinced Person*. ***Ow d'ye mean, ' tainted V " .Park Orator: ""Well, tain* yours, an* "taint mine, is it?" '' Mrs. Bacon: ** As I came up the street X saw the policeman on his beat Vita Ms ann romod,,* Jamp-prsst." j\i Tha Cook: "Yes ma'am; that's & way h*has when he's thinking of me* ma'am." ; ,•.,,- . V-Toa atf» charged with permitting your horse. to stand unattended for ore? an hour/*. ,m& .:&&'; magietatate," '' ■ **Wefi, I defy anybody to teach th» brute to sit down,** protested the prisoner before being dragged aatsfa ■ tAlmey^'STrfl^^ step whoa I waved ?: I*vo noticed yon before on tS(fe/j»mrto--tettts alter time ydurlfcaka?,n>' nottos .of m^^*;;.Tho : ;:l3»riyer:■■*•■ Blett.-me," main* wmM-^ee'like'm«.'to-get 'down' and. lcmvJer H ; ; ia feriwa* ';:£■. :"/,.; '}:"■ "-.•■.:.'' - , Body ef the -Wftut {to* new charwoman) :■■ ■•'Yoa'ra"- ■vmy4h^dyMrsJ- Watts. '■ ; tt'& eleven ; o'dbttk,; ' youll, never i get , the' dimngretMa. - done . in. tim«^»ow.** > r ' ' Char- ■ wiojtnaai ; -*"xhst"a aS right, '.mom, I don'tmihd.'t*a\io,Vm« di«»,..«i ■.&»' kitchen *&«. iamtSl"--,; " - ■ '-: v ■ Although. & bxida 'of -'fetal; throe short' nßontns, she had her troubles, and quits sataralry made a confidante of her mother. yon. twwld. 'havffl : eyes- aar ears whm ; ytKnf.;!msli^d : :«omes: home lato froaa Ms <M^.3m':B^^''-'|«-|| a j S «r' * Pejw 5 ha pa jw"rs ,SE$Av : wia,*»- . answered', the* young wK®. ■*£& -a : soalfinl sigh, *^brA waßfe.apX.ioSoimth'myvtoJrafl?"* i;- .;'-,>■ '::'• • ■-.:-..:r{'S^B^ :: ; .■ '' ;..•-;'*'•-■ The mayor'.hurried into » gathering which ha teas' 'to' address; he was late. He mma pompoualy ftaa,''*- J most aTOtegw.;f<W;my t iat«aera, i hut I have been addiEasamg ft foiari masting." •• "'„ ■ . Voico*ma.tho'.cwjwdsv:«l can' miiteb*. Eev© that ifc-'Waa.** ' ' '-' . " ■'•■'■ ■.s"*■*■s ■ Dibhs ffacalaonEly)t "'This £r « pieter* of my .wigd'fflt.fej* '"'■■"■ % ''''" Bc*&*. M G«st makml Whai, a fe!*> lesatopkiaar idia4l' But X'<BBa*t know yoo» wifo was married bafor© she met youv** "« : X)T>b«t^Si»'i^a^t^ ? TJlsat tf,» »js. tura ■ of. ary^ at-the''ago : of. l entyl* , ; y" ' Seizing ; '"he» by :•- tii* shoulder, ho shook as* 1002^.., .•;* *" Arabefia!" he cried; •* wake npl The house is i*n fire. You sarva the baby." "But the motor-cycle—" she expostulated. ■■ .. r ■': ■ ;'-,, . ;Don*t worry," ho shouted reassurinsiv, " I've-already: earned that out:" ■■; "• --yrsßSt TEE SOU /«Bronraßß&v ; - Walking' ,:ob» day : fis Liverpool, Sir Ellis drifEtba, who 'used' to be an Under-SeCTe-tajyl«f- ;'Etate^'/.waß'- i «cettated'' ; .by' ; a shoe-, black with the usualcSaery,: ** Shine, got T* Bar 33111s consented, end while the operation was' proceeding, got into conversation with tho lad. * What isyomr father PS "A farm labourer, sir."* "Ah, I 6eei,' , said Sit XETlia, quietlyj " he makes hay while tho son shines I" A OTZZKE. Two cautious and eminently stKceasful Scots met the other day is the Caledonian Aayluia—esmetonca called London. One of them had a problem which had been weighing on Ma metaphysical mind for some Uaa. ** Man I** said Bandy to Sanderson, " Can ye be telling me where the de'il the Jews get all tha money that we take from them?"his aioEPnoH. "Was your wife angry when you got home !aat'night?*', asked a clubman of bis friend. "Angry ?" said the other. " Why, my boy, the dear woman pelted me with flowers!"- * " But how did you get that black eye ** Well, you see, .she neglected to take the flowers *out of the pots before she threw them," was the sad reply. ST. GEOEGE. St. George's ■ Bay recalls an amusing story. The country yokels of a village inn were discussing current events when the innkeeper observed that it was April 23, and St. George's Day. "Oh, St. George's Day, be it?" said one old fellow. " Yea, and all Englishmen should know it," replied the innkeeper. " Well, I be English, but blowed if I knowed they'd mado *im one," cackled the old gaffer, raising his glass, " "Ere's to you, David!" HIS CUSTOMARY PBACTIOE. He was a cow-puncher, who had spent hiii whole life with the cattle on his remote ranch. In one of his visits to the n-arest township he married, and took his blushing bride home to his aback, followed by the roaring cheers of the "citizens." Some months later he was again "in U:wn," and inquiries were made as to the welfare of his wife. "Oh,** he said, "she fell from Her horse and broke her leg, so I had to shoot her."

UHIMAaiHATTVE. When Macbeth" was one© being played in a provincial town local workmen were requisitioned as stage carpenters. All wont well until the scene where Macbeth mirders the King. The actor who was playing the part of Macbeth was feigning hesitation, and, holding up the dagger, he said tragically. " Is this a dagger I eee before me?" Imagine his suprise and dis«<rofiture when one of the stage carpenters sticking out his head, answered apologetically : "No, sir, it's the putty knife; we couldn't find the dagger."-