SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17205, 5 July 1919, Page 5 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

'_ teat yr&a enough. * "" {__ The question before the : meeting*, of allotment-holders was -whether sprinkled on the beds was of toy use. •-> On© of them gave his experiences, "1 pat salt round my radish beef to kill grubs; and insects," he said. ; " The next morning 1 found that the worms had comeVto the top, were pulling up the radishes, dipping them in the salt, and eating them.* •? The meeting then adjourned. v--' P

A OSUSHEB,.. J A lady entered & train and took a seal in front of a newly-married couple...' She was hardly seated before' they began making remarks about her. Her last year's hat and cloak were fully criticised, with more or less giggling on the -bride's part, and there is no telling what might have come next if the lady had not put,?a sudden stop to the conversation by a bit of strategy. She turned her head, noticed that the bride was considerably older than the groom, and in the smoothest of tones it said : " Madam, will you please ask your son to close the window behind you?" The " son" dosed the window, • and' the bride no longer giggled. WOT TO BE OUT-VERBED. A boy left the farm on which he was employed and got a job in the city. He wrote a letter to his brother, who had elected to stick to the farm, telling of the joys of city life, in which he said : "Thursday we autoed out to the country club, where we golfed until dark. Then we trolleyed back to town and danced until dawn. Then we motored to the beach and Fridayed there." The brother on the farm wrote back :— " Yesterday we buggied to town and baseballed all afternoon. Then we went vto Ned's and pokered till morning- To-day we muled out to the cornfield and geehawed till sundown. Then we suppered, and then we piped for a while. After that we staircased up to our room and bedsteaded until the clock fived." THE 00NHOISSETJBS. Our friend the pianist dropped in on us yesterday. " Did yon go to- the symphony concert!" we asked him. " Yes." "Enjoy it?" - No." "Why, I heard it was very good." ' It may have been the best ever, for all I know." "What was the matter?" " Two women who sat behind me kept up a constant line of chatter during the whole affair." , , "What did they talk about-th© ending of the war?" * *' No; they were telling each other how much they loved music."

HOW WOULD HE PUT IT? Sir Henry Ponsonby was in attendance on Queen Victoria one day at Windsor, and Her Majesty had strolled but-on the terrace to listen to the admirable and spirited music then bemg played by one of the Guards' bands. One tone in particular caught her attention and secured her special regard,, and she sent a message to the bandmaster, saying she would like the J?- 606 *° ' be '' played over again. And the thing -was done. Ever mindful of little courtesies the Queen then asked Sir Henry to express her satisfaction tq the bandmaster and to inquire , the title of the m ffife which had so won her approval. ! What Sir Henry told the Queen on returning, from his little errand Ca not recorded, bat it must have been $»%«% difficult for even the most diplomatic courtier to explain that, the air was that of a very popular music hall song of the penod, bearing the classic title, " Com Where the Booze is Cheaper."

'- HIS - SSORST. ' Mart: Twain met : Chauncey Denew at dinner one evening, while the former's Joi n of Arc" was being published serially. Mark thought he would like to fir. i out what people thought of it, so h« said to Mr. Depew: "I don't suppose you ever read novels, do you, Depew?" " Oh, yes. I love them," answered Depew. " I don't suppose you are following that anonymous novel 'Joan of Arc' in Harper's, are yon?" asked Twain. " I certainly am. Reading every line of it, ' answered Depew. ">S?ell, what do you think of it? Think it is any good?" asked Twain. " Well," answered Depew, who, unknown to Mark, knew the authorship, " that's hardly a fair question to ask me " " Why?" asked Twain. "You see, Mark," answered Depew i n a whisper, " I wrote the old thing myself and am trying to keep it quiet." STAETHHG REVELATIONS. When there happened to be visitors the small boy was often turned out of his room into one in the attic, and, although he did not object to this, he felt that it endangered certain cherished , possessions. One night an uncle who tjras a clergyman, arrived unexpectedly, and the boy was transferred to his attic quarters with such scant ceremony that in the hustle he forgot to take any precautions to guard his treasures. The next morning at breakfast the clergyman said : " I have to thank the very thoughtful person who placed a glass of water on the table near the bed last night. I awoke in the night and found it refreshing—most refreshing." " Oh," ©ailed the small boy, " you've drinked tp my nice new 'quarium, and all—" But here further revelations, were fort- j nately suppressed by his mother.

SEEIHG'S believitfs.. Two Irishmen were walking dot i one of the main stieets in Dublin, talkii.g peace-fully*-when another Irishman, ail on his own, came towards them on the other aide of the road. Directly one of the two Irishmen saw this third man he stopped talking to his friend, bolted across the road, and if ever a man got a sound hiding that lonely Irishman got it then! A crowd gathered, and the other Irishman went over to join his pal. When the combatants were separated eventually the one Irishman said to his pal: " For the love o' Mike, whatever did you want to set about the craythur like that for ? What has he done to you, will yon tell me?'' " Sure an' I will !" replied his pal, breathing hard. " That son of a sea cook called me a ' rhinerosceros' twelve months ago, so he did :" ''Well, and what of it?" persisted the other man. " Twelve months ago he called you a 'rhinerosceros,' and you don't lay a finger on him till to-day. Why did you wait so long, I ask you?" " Because I only saw one of the craythurs yesterday !" was the reply. RESOURCE. A young couple h, Ireland went to a priest to be married, but, as they were destitute of financial resources and the marriage fee was not forthcoming, the i priest declined to marry them. " Give me ! Tare, your riverence," said the bride, " to go and get the money." This was given, and she quickly set out on her mission. After a short space of time she returned with the money, and the ceremony was completed to the satisfaction of all. Just as the married couple were about to leave the newly-made bride seemed a trifle uneasy. "Anything on your mind, Bridget?" asked the priest. "Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage could not be spoiled now." " Certainly not," was the reply ; "nc man can put you asunder." " Could you not do it yourself, father asked the bride, anxiously. " No, no," answered the priest ; " you are past me now. I have nothing more to do with your marriage." " That aises me mind," said Bridget, with a sigh of content, " and Heaven bless your riverence. There's the ticket for your coat. I picked it up in the lobby and Jjwraai far