ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVI, Issue 17145, 26 April 1919, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

... ... ... .- ■, .... i f-V;: .-' HWhat does » press censor hive to do. j-. ■anyway?" "Ob) joist incense;evorybody.' '*' » • ' - . Bid you hear abort Oh Bill a-beggW - jtatt» 'em not todemoHlisVhidi?" ' " That's odd. I never'lmewhaiiwoßmarrisd/V > Dear Old Lady (visiting prison): "You say tnat a loto of books brought you here, ,- ''my'poor man?" Prisoner: "Yes, mum; pocket-books." 5 ; ":• £§£■ # *~;< . ■ * |; • ■■> &a?/L Hook at that soldier and hisgirl, both ;tr; 'with different ambitions."" "How so?" '■;:■■•; ;f " One loves to face the powder while the Mjt other loves to powder tho face;" | ..'■-- . pT' Lady: "Do yon want employment?" I Tramp: "Lady, yer means well, but yer m\ '■■ can't make work sound any more invitin' |||i byiusin' a word of three syllables." ■ .- ; Speaker (to persistent heckler): "I look pi?; upon you as a confounded rascal." Heck- , W ler: ■ 'Ton may loot upon me in any charptf, acter you choose to assume." p- ; yirst'Medicil' Student: " Are you going U] toithat appendicitis lecture this after£f>"' noon?" Second'-Medical Student: "NoI'm tired of those organ recitals." £.;; - -A- % '■ Then our engagement, is .broken'.!" "ft % ■' is." Shall I send back vour letters?'' "No. ; \ I've improved a lot. I can do much bet- */' ter in Writing to the next girl I meet,',' i] Davis: "Everything' I have in this ■world I owe to my wife." Henpeck: ■I "I'm almost like you, too. Everything * . I owe for in this world my wifo bought." " How did you get the reputation of be« || ing so wise?" "I talk with a man till I discover something he doesn't know anyh thing about. Then! pretend -to explain it :V to him." !,. " Herbert," said an anxious mother to U her boy, "your uncle will be here to din- % ner to-day, and you mud have your face I". washed." "Yes, ma* but s'postn he S don't come? What then?" . k ? Miss Primrose: "Don't you ever give '$' your dog any exercise!" Miss Hollyhock V; (fondling a fat pug dog): Of course; I I feed huri with, chocolates every few minutes, just to make him wag his taiL, |V-' Hub: "Who is that letter from?" t Wife: " What do you want to know for?" w Hub: "There you go! ■' What do I want fe to ksow for?' J declare t if \ you aren't I? We most inquisitive woman I ever met. If Edith (at tobacconist's): ."I want a, box r ol nice cigars for a Christmas present.' V; . Tobacconist: "What kind would you like, § miss?" Edith: "Oh, lam not particuffr lnf! Have you any flavoured with vioH le>?" __ ?C~ ?A hen-pecked man being told thai to If «Id acquaintance was married, exclaimed, p$ "I am glad to hear it." But reflecting m a-moment, he added, in » tone of CompasIki sion and forgiveness, " And "yet I dent ': I'. know why I should be 5' he never did me '■. any harm." ' ... '/. ■' '/ - -vV mP- N"Why f this is a funny telephone; isn't m- : finished", is it?" "Yes, that is a comfe- plete ; telephone." "But there is nothing m to it but the receiver.- Where is, the Mt mouthpiece?" " Doesn't need one, Thai |# -> ; is the instrument over which I converse with my wife." 'M- . He had decided to torn oyer new leaf, K arid he couldn't help letting everybody pt?' know; "I hav«. resolved lor the New §*fi Year,"' lie said, feeling if his halo. was on ftfe- straicht,* 1 that I shall not drink any more." &?- ""But mv "dear Jelldw," protested "a r Eoubting Thomas, '?you coulden't drink |5 - any more. The point is have you resolved Wi to'drijik any less?"* U- WE'VE ALL DONE 1T. ...%■■

|- WE'VE ALL DONE IT. Not. so very long ago £ chauffeur was %h, brought up after having .run down a mac. l K '\~ . " You' ? struck this pedestrian,', and he sras seriously injured V. the judge- asked.. -■ "Yes, sir," replied the chauffeur. ||f£.,': '<Why didn't you zigzag,.your car and ?:■''■' naro him?" •; •■* - v !; ' - ; •"."■"-•-- " He • was zigzagging; himself, "-said < the chauffeur; '■" and •he happened to zag at sS;'>s the same time. 'is X did.' :. •' - ,' MOST UNUSUAL^' An M.P. ma visiting' a reformatory in .; ' lis constißienqr.'i ?>£ \ -'" Ji]:- ;'■, 'v "'»' suppose you could tell some queer MMvjaJes?"' he-said to the'superintendent. ' • "Yes," said-tie.latter. ."A most nnniual thing happened, to one of the occu- ;- pants of 'A' ward iit 1910." : • "What happened to him?" the M.P. ''"-,. said anxiously. . ; - - y \ . The- superintendent; ofi the 'ifeformaery '-'■-' gave him a solemn look.'; '.vV C V E" He reformed," said he. . .=,. •. §§■'• -'• •'■ ''■'•' ' ""*Tv ~-'■ /'.■ , ■ i| DEAR LITTLE SOUL. sj- *■ ' -J A o'y man hurried into a post office to sV find ru address in a telephone directory. f. He f>und a woman had got hold of the f- only one in sight, and he waited impaf; tiently till she should have finished. She ! s: was such a long time, however, that he ■ventured to ask her when he could have U the book. t ■■ She glanced up in charming surprise and '(■■'■' cooed i-'- * ■'•'■ ✓ "Oh, are you wanting it? I was just 'i glancing through it to see if I could find |- a nice name for baby I"" . - • BOW AND ROW. ,The couple were married, ard travelled to the lakes for their honeymoon. As soon as they arrived they had a meal, and £' then took'a.boat out upon the lake. -' ■ The 'following morning the bride's ;v " mother got a postcard which read: '.< '-'Arrived safely. Grand row before 'bed." v " She read-it, .and sighed. , "Good jjracioufl!" she muttered. "I | 'didn't think'they'd be;pn to quarrel so i soon ***i HO ..EVIDENCE. .Jackie and : ..Johnnie, next-door neigh.hours, were .comparing notes m Boxing Day about the (-presents they had received the day before and the things they had eaten. " Uraph !" said Johnny, at last. " I bet you didn't have a good time yesterday." Jackie was indignant. " T bet I' did!" he cried. "Then why ain't you sick to-day?" cried Johnny triumphantly. WOKSE THAN DISEASED. ' The old lady was looking for something to. grumble about. She entered tli6 butcher's with the light of battle in her eyes. i : '" I believe you sell diseased meat here?" "Worse!" replied the batcher bland'y. What do you mean, worse?" demanded the astonished patron. "The meat we sell is dead!" confided the batcher in a stage whisper. > A LIGHT BURDEN. Tlia driver of the jaunting car of Ireland is always .ready to. excuse himself if he is reproached for the condition of his 1 rse. "I say, Paddy," said a tourist one day, " that is the worst-looking horse you drive T ever saw! Why don't you fatten, him ?''■" "Fatten him up, is it?" queried the driver, as it he could ml believe his ears. " l'aix the poor baste can hardly carry the little mate that's on him now!" UNRUFFLED. Ethelbert Cholmondeley never allowed himself to 1030 his temper. His courtesy, i- • too, was proverbial. Therefore, when he [| was interrupted at the Spitz in the middle eg- of his iced pudding bv a bounder trying to steal his overcoat, his action was char- ; acteristic. He allowed the thief to get to • ' ■ the dcx r. ami then touched him on the *•? ...._■ arm'apologetically. ;>£ "■',:•■ v.*'.Stwry to'-troitlVio \-ou,"'he said; "but you'd -sou nllow me "to get a cigar out of F'{-V> ROC MWi». case .I, don't see yon 3 ; ;■