ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIV, Issue 16657, 29 September 1917, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

"She-is an enthusiastic! church worker, isn't she?" "No," replied J. Fuller Gloom. "Not since iihe discovered that the church people were not easily ; worked." "Doctor," said Mrs. Blank. "My insomnia is much worse now than it was before." " Indeed," replied the M.D. " Yes sir, it is. Why, I can't even sleep when*it's time to get up." Jack (bitterly) : " I suppose you coneider it quite a triumph to make a fool of a man?" Edith: "Why, no. A triumph means something accomplished that was very difficult." '■ Mrs. Jones: " I met Johnny Fuller today. He says I am getting fat."Jones : "it's natural he should say so." Mrs. Jones: "Why?" Jones: "You were looking Fuller in the face." Willis: " What system do these military aeroplanes work on?" Gillis : "One person runs tho machine, and the other is just an observer, but both of them fight," Willis: "I see; just like being married." " Of course, a wife-beater has my most profound contempt," said skimpy little Mr. Meek, " and I would not under any circumstances associate with one longer than to ask him how in the world he managed to work it?" Ho: "Do you know, there is a great difference in' the taste of tho British sailor and the German sailor as regards liquor?" She: "No, what's the difference?" He: "Why, our bluejackets are very fond of their tot. of rum, but tho German navy sticks to port." Farmer Waybark (starting home from the station) :* "Please, ma'am, do you wear false teeth':" Fair Boarder (for the summer) : " Sir!" Farmer Wayback • Oh, I don't mean to be curious. Only this road is a leetle rough, and ef your teeth ain't good and fast, you'd better put 'em in your pocket." A man remarked that he came from a very large family. " How ma.ny are there of you?" he was asked. "Well, there were ten of us bovs." he said. " and each of us had a sister." "Good gracious!' exclaimed the other, "then there were twenty of you?" "No," said the boastful man; "eleven." Supposing I decide to lei, you have- the monev, how do I know that I shall get it back at the time yon mention?" said Spiffklns. "1 promise it, my boy, on thp word of a gentleman." replied Biffkins. " Ah, in that case I mav think better of it. Come around this evening and bring him with you." , : "Although he overcharged me, the cab-driver who took me over Paris -was - roost polite," s:iid our friend, who had . made holiday abroad. "All Frenchmen ; are." we observed. "Yes; but this one lgot( off his box and help me to find the necessary -words in my French-English dictionary, so that I might say what I - thought of him."

TAKING OHANOES. , There was a man who fancied that by driving good and fast He'd get his car across the track before the train came past; Pe'd miss the engine by an inch, and make the train-hands sore. There was a man who fancied thi3; thsre isn't any more. HIS PREFERENCE. The class had been studying about the house-fly and' how dangerous he is to ' health. The lesson sank deep into the ; tnind of little George, who, when asked ..:to .write., a composition on the subject, turned in the following:— •---* The fly is an insec, he has six legs, he is more dangerous than a lion, hnt 1 had rather a fly would bits me thai) a : Jion.?i- :: I X -. MICROBES IN BROOMS. : .-Mrs.- Finnicky (entering the kitchen jwiii..newspaper) "Norah, a celebrated '-doctor says that brooms are full of microbes, so, hereafter von'll have to give vour broom an antiseptic- bath every day." Norah i "Share Oi'll sot! Next thing ye'll be askin' me to give ft massage thratemenfcj' and hippydermio injictions, &a! Oi'm no thrained nurse." THE RIGHT PLACE. " Really, Kate," said the young man, in considerable agitation. ,r am very fiorrj I lost my head kissed you. I 'didn't think what I was doing." It is a sort of temporary insanity in your ~ familv." , "Well. Roy," replied the young woman, "if you ever feel any more such /attacks coming on, you had better come fright here where your infirmity is known, 'and we will take care of you." GIVEN AWAY. Mr. Wilkerson, the architect, had been invited down to the darks' to display the plans of Clark's new house to some guests. *\ "Here is the front elevation," explained the architect, as he laid the plans on the library table for the inspection of the visitors, "with the outside window and the circular gallery; this is the east elevation, showing the tower." After various comments had been made t>y the pests, little Arthur, aged seven, jwho was enormously interested in the new house, cried: And where are the 'two mortgages father said he was going to put on?" HE^UNDERSTOOD. The pale-faced passenger looked out of the car-window with exceeding interest. Finally he turned to his eeat-mate. ... "You likely think I never rode in the cars before," he said, " but the fact is, pardner, I just got out of prison this mornin', and it does mi, good to look /around. It is goin' to be mighty tough, though, facin' my old-time friends. 1 B'pose though, you ain't got much idea how a man feels in a case like that." "Perhaps I have a better idea of your feelings than you think," said the other gentleman, with a Bad smile. "I am just getting home from Congress,"HARDiLY CREDIBLE. Little Mabelle went with her mother to spend the summer at a resort by the sea where mosquitoes abounded. .When she returned to her home in the city and attended Sunday-school, her teacher told the story of Noah ana the ark. When 6he had finished the story, she glanced around at her little pupila and asked if any child would like to ask any question. " I would please, ma'am," said Mabelle, timid iy. "Very well," said the teacher, "what [would you like to* know V "I'd like ':o know, ma'am," said Mabelle, "if you aro quite sure that Noah only took two 'skeeters into the ark!" THE GOOD IDEA. The serious-looking man was trying hard to listen to the speaker's eloquence, Ibut the squalling of an infant in the row of seats _ directly ahead gave him little opportunity. Annoyance gave way to irsritatiOT, and irritation in turn was super- ... seded jy nioive. He leaned forward, ° touched the mother on the shoulder, and ' n * dispassionate tone asked : ] " :,,«*» your baby been christened vet?" Ji hv 'J°. m- Why. do you ask?" w fSW?""?" l vas Bb to suggest that if he had not been, christened you might name him ' Good Idea.' " • - "Beqrao/ijito man struggled hard to • :■"*&■'■ f>J ■ ~~\ . I