ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIV, Issue 16431, 6 January 1917, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

Omca Nufc: "If oao clgavr \riU ?r£' IliaT* 1 ill, wJI two cagaws make ai' : 'ttaa-'j Sfe ?' "Co you .think your father would con. ifer®?"*. to our v marriage ?'i "He might, I®te- Fathers so eccentric.' '' H«. §&-»: > ' ■' _s. \:v ; -' N'kf"l ■ V' ■ : pffil She—" I want you to understand I reife fused lote ,® £ t offers before ;I; married you. Her- I believe it. I never had .* any luck. - • fejr She—"When we * are married I will we you coming home at two in the mornIff ' n ?> will I !'! He—" Not if you are a [ t' y heavy sleeper, dear." If- He—' 1 Do yon think I ought to see your Hp husband about ray /marrying your daughir: ter?" , "Dear me, » no. He will sr, read all about it in the papers." ' Mrs. W.— Now, Just look at those flannels. If anything will' shrink more from washing I'd like to know what it is! Mr. U.—"Our youngest son will, my dear. 4 Mistress—" Would you care to* have this last season's hat of mine, Sarah?" 'Sarah—" Oh, thank you bo much, ma'am; ■; '' 8 the one ray young man likes ma in best." The Lady of the House" Mary, it ■'c teems to mo that the crankiest mistresses S' get the best cooks." The Genius of the (; Kitchen— Ah, gaw on now, mum, with I? • your flattery I"- ■ 1 Second-floor Lady—" Go in and wash your dirty face I" First-floor Lady—" If you. was to wash yours, yer 'usband— '« is yer 'usband— know yer— snd a good job for 'im, too !", Landlady—"Understand this—you shall not leave this house until you have paid for your board." * Lodger—That's 'jolly. At my last place they wouldn't let me stay unless I paid." Schoolmasters" What are the products of the West Indies" Boy—" Dunno, sir." Schoolmaster—" Come, come! Where do you get the sugar you use!" Boy—"We borrow it ii-om next door, k sir!"' •/" - " Look here, my friend, what on earth are you waiting fori ; You've'been standin? her for an hour in the pouring rain.""I am waiting .for a car." "But at least • fire have just gone by." . "Yes, but not the one with the pretty conductor!" V " ; ,y\. ■- >■ /\' . \V ;>..J J Mrs. - Flannigan: ; "Sure l i just got a '.•letter from . Barney, savin' he would be let out of gaol to-morrow ,• he got a month off for good behaviour." Mrs. Murphy: - "A. month off fer good behaviour, is it? Faith, and that's a lad to be proud of." . The statement that Sir-Douglas, Haig # said in a communique to Hindenburg, " I'll , tank you very much 'to retire," lacks offi- < cial confirmation. It is indeed only one or, the many unofficial statements , made si • - about; these queer but 'excellent machines. He: M Often when I look up"at , the stars a' in the firmament, I cannot hcly thinking | ,how small, how insignificant I am after I all." She: "Gracious! Doesn't that'thought , ever strike you except -when you look .at the stars in the firmament?" 1 ' '■ ■ "Here, here, gents!", admonished the - landlord of the Petunia tavern," addressing , the prominent citizens : assembled ; around the.stove. " You'll have to' cut that - out! I don't : mind ,a ' little war-talk occasionilly, but I draw the line at peace-discus- . I jiors—they break up the furniture so.'!. h . -i" " ONE OP THEM. vA a gentleman '• on a visit to : a lunatic asylum before leaving chanced to look /at a clock, which, according to his own watch,• was about an hour fast. 1 ' . "Is that clock right?" he. asked one,of ~ „..the.inTriate«.-h —« . — — . "iN o, sir," {epH.ed„t!}eJunatic. _ " Had it l\i wen right it would not have been ■ here." 5> . - ; i A PUZZLE JOB THE VICAR. ; ;■ - A Welsh vicar, who has recently bean ■ :|f! advertising for an organist, , was very much j| bewildered on receiving the following ' amongst his replies:—"Dear Sir, notice j. you ' have a vacancy for an . organist : and -- •; i music-teacher, either , lady or gentleman. >J 5 Having been both for several years, I beg M'-lo.offer' you my service." '• , ' -i/vv — . ' <7 V- < f . ■:' . ; V ft •'? OBEYED ; INSTRUCTIONS. ; U; 1 '■' -■' zrtmiW; . V,X J ( :i " Did yoa deliver my message to' Mr. h's y Stamps!" asked the i merchant. New $ ; ? Office Boy :" No sir. He was out and the ! • >?:bfflce was locked np" "Well, why. didn't *>u wV.ifc for him,'. A.i I told you?" " :" There -was: a notice on the door, sir, eavine.'. ' Return' at once,' So I came back as.quick as I could!" ' ■ : I" ■' • . _ -- A REFLECTION. - ' ; Mr." Jones arrived home' late the other •: evening ■ after dining- well but not wisely. ' He took lip his hairbrush on the back of " - ; which .was,& mirror, -in order to see if his - ; face was; veiy flushed., By mistake .he ; ' held tho bristle side : towards :': himself. ; " Great : Scott !'?i he ?; cried, "no wonder -everyone stared 'at . me. Don't' I want a . shave!"" " r "" ' EjiSYTO f ACCOUNT JOB, "James!" she said severely, v • ' The butler looked up with a gnilty flush. "James,'' she asked, "how--is it that whenever' I come into the" pantry I find your work at sixes and sevens, and ytm sprawled out. reading the .war news?" ' "Well, ma'am," the butler answered, "I should say it was on account of them old rubber-sole shoes you're always wearing about the house."-, " f »' j 'ir. i "■ LONO WINDED... ; ; The prosy old barrister was arguing * technical case in the High ' Court. He > ' was drifting 1 along in*& monotonous voice when the judge yawned with - hardly any t attempt at concealment. ; y,-, ; "I sincerely trust that I am not unduly trespassing on the time of. court?" sail the barrister with just the slightest tinge of sarcasm in his voice. > _ There is some difference," replied the judge, " between trespassing on time and encroaching on eternity." VICARIOUS PUNISHMENT. A lawyer was defending a man accused of iiolsebreaking, and fcaid to the court — "Your worship, I submit that my client did not break into the house at all. He found the parlour window • open, ' and merely inserted his right arm and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's right arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by. one only of his limbs." "That argument," said his worship, "is very well put. Following it logically, I sentence the- defendant's arm to six months' imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled, and with \ his 'lawyer's assistance unscrewed his cork arm, and, leaving the dock, walked out. _ \< ' '' f ••' ' ' ■ THE OFFICE BOY. The office hoy 'sat in the corner, busily' engaged in leading a book. .5 Strange to say, it was not a book of hair-raising adventure. He waa reading Shakespere. •■ An expression of peace and joy was on his face that caused those who knew him to wonder if he had at last experienced a change of heart. His eye? sparkled and hi* whole expression wag one of happiness, Finally he turned to 'a worker at another desk. .. '.. .• ■»i'i. '■■■ .••./\ ' ."Sav, Jim," he said. "I've got a question for you. i - Did you ever read Shake- - spere?". ' : ' ~t : "Yes," was the reply.. /.:. v ; • " And ; d'yer know what he talks about?" - "Yes." •! 4 % V s "' •?' *'' J k ' "Then, mavbe, you - cm : help me." ■: W /!,» What is it?" v ? L r .KWi' "Well, I want ;to : know which .7?? e the I fMi man. Romeo or Juliet!" i §5, r