ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIII, Issue 16408, 9 December 1916, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

A irnKD to otherwise is generally wasted.

The Russian victories are very pronounced. but they are also' very "unpronounceable.

If everybody went to b»d at nine and got- up at six. there would ! e fearer nursing hemes doing cor bnsine -.

" Can •- •■•■u 'end rr-~ five l>cnin.lr- or a, ironth. oi •»:'v *" " 'Vhu de-ice ~*>es a n'h-ci i no-.- % •»».! . r ;vo . «»*»

,i«> i'••>' t... »• :,x • |-ow vii(i yen, come ii .u- tn- -I'-w-ep V Jk* Fathead: • I diuT i com? to fall on the doorstep J came to call."

Teacher : "Now, child: en, what is it we want most in the world to make us perfectly ha pry?" Bright Youngster: "The thing., we ain't got."

The old fashioned man who used to get up at 4 a.m. and milk the cows, now lias a son who swears at the milkman for rattling the cans at 6.30.

Wife: " There is absolutely no esprit de corps in the kitchen." Husband (rich, but ignorant): "Well, order some, my dear. Tt is not a man's business to look after the supplies."

He: "I can trace ray ancestry back through nine generations." She: "What els* can you do?" Then he blinked and looked at her as if he wondered how far he iind dropped.

'Hit aht. yer miserable, crawling little worm. If yer was half a man yer-d come an' turn the mancie for yer poor, slavin' wile." "I may be a worm. Sarah, but 1 ain't one wot turns'."

"\W don 1 have any grass growing in cur streets. boasted a fresh young New York salesman in an Ohio town. " No, I suppose not. remarked the storekeeper. " our street-ear lueses nibble it off as they browse along.'"

Jenkins : "It was business that detained me la.-t nisrht." Mrs. Jenkins : *' Oh, indeed. Mr. Jenkins: "Certainly : you know I wouldn't deceive you. - ' Mrs. Jenkins : " No. William, yon wouldn't deieive me. no matter what you said!"

Timid outli : "\\ h,-it flo I have to pay for ■- marriage license ?"' Facetious Clerk: '"Well, yon get it on the instalment plan." Timid \ outh : "How's that?" Facetious Clerk : "A small sum down and most of your •wages each week for the rest of your life."

At a party Mis.* Drown had sung " It's a Long Way to Tipperary." and for days after she was sinking or humming it to herself. "Tt seems \o haunt me." she said to a friend, who nad also been at the party. "No wonder." said the friend. " 00k at the wav you murdered it!"

An Australian soldier on Salisbury Plain went into the .M.C.A. hut and ordered ten boiled eggs. When the attendant had cooked them she brought tive plates each holding two eggs and set them on the table. "Oh," said the Australian, " you needn't have done that. 1 am not expecting anyone else!" MUSINGS OF A MODERN MAID. There are very tew all-silk marriage ties, "warranted not to shrink, stretch, run or fade nowadays. A canoe is something like a confirmed bachelor; it looks so simple and romantic and easy to manipulate until you try it. In these days of hole-proof aocks, bachelor s buttons, and neai-love, 110 man appears to see any reason for exchanging the delightful variety oi freedom for the doubtful joy of spending all his evening and all his money on one gill.

A POST OFFICE COMEDY. j A young woman went into a post office to send a telegram to her sweetheart. Alter writing it on the usual form she brought it to the counter to be checked. The attendant gave her a stamp to affix. Being occupied for the moment, he failed to i.otice her later proceedings, but presumably, after stamping the form, she placed iv in her pocket, and went home. Nexn, day she again turned up at the office and poured abuse on our postal service because the telegram had not reached its destination. AN ODD GAME. Old man .Jones had never seen a football •fray before, and when he returned from witnessing that between the two local Rugby teams his criticism was far from complimentary. ' Bah he exclaimed. " All a lot o' nonsense .' 1 .rst there comes a lot o' big fellows, dressed in little knickers, aud then there's a funny shaped bail. Somebody kicks the ball, and then they all run after it. an' one o' the fellers cops hold on it. an' run down the field wi' the others after him. When he gits past the post he falls on the ball, an the feller behind hint falls on him. Then all the spectators shout. 'Try—try!' But try as they i:>:.'i. t! . ■■• i o'lidnl bust it!" TEMPTING. [ had always heard that New Englai.iers were smart," a young physician remarked the other day. "bat I hardly thought »' <io elopt'd hi such an early ;'Jge." He smiled reminisce, tly, then con- ■'-! °d : " Just after I in Dobbs * ■ •vers a twelve-year-old boy called on me One evening. ' S.- Doc.. I guess I got mtasles.' lie rern.a. tred. ' but nobody knows it 'cept tin* folks at home, an' they ain't the kind that talks, if there'.; any good reason to keep quiet.' I was puzzled, and I suppose 1 looked it. ' Aw, get wise. D 0... niv small visitor suggested. ' ..hat will you give me to go to school an' spread it amonjr all the kids in the village?' - ' THE LAW'S LIMIT. I lie frov.n on 'lie face of the magistrate waft tearful t-'> behold as he gazed down upon lie three ragamuffins who stood before him charged with having broken the shop window of Messrs. Sand and Sugar, grocers, with a football (produced). " Boys," he said sternly, " 1 understand that this is not the first time yr-i have been here for damaging property ' ' Six feet shi-ffl. d uneasily. "A sire.-t," he continued, beetling his brows. " i.. not a football ground, please understand, and I order that you be each sent to prisi/'i for seven days!" "Oh. but you can't do that!" said the spokesman . aimlv. .And the court looker for some rpv; p: int of law. '' r an't I?" said tin magistrate. "Anrf why •■•ln't IT' "Why. ' replied the spokesman, "because we're all picked to play against Bob .!■ ■=. -'-m on Saturday!"' A TERRIBLE PARENT. It is related ol the Queen of Denmark that she once pafd a visit- to the Danish Colony of Iceland, where the good old bishop exerted himself to the utmost in'ner entertainment. His most successful effort in that direction, it is stated, followed upon the explanation of a mistake which hud at 1" - st greatly scandalised his roval nv.stiess. ihe Queen paid many compliments to her host and having learned that he was a family man. graciously inquired how many children he had. It happens that the Danish word for "children" is almost identical in sound ■with the Icelandic word for "sheep," and the worthy bishop promptly answered. 1 wo hundred." "Two hundred children!" cried the queen. "How can you possibly maintain such a number?" "' Easily enough, please Your Majesty," replied the prelate, with a cheerful smile. 'In the summer I turn them out upon the hills to grass, and when the winter comes I till and eat them."