Page 7 Advertisements Column 1

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIII, Issue 16234, 20 May 1916, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS. Fond Mother: "Isn't the. war dreadful? |' r? And so awkward ii when poor : dear Wylvia ipi is just coming out." '...-' Mrs. S. Kensington: "We have such t ' good news from the front! Dear Charles ' is safely wounded at last I" ' She's a very intellectual-looking girl." " Yes. Her father didn't make his money until after sho had received her education." "I'd rather play golf than eat."' "But what does your wife say to that?" "Oh, she doesn't care. She'd rather play bridge than cook." " I see tho Turks spread mines in the path of tho Queen Elizabeth." " Quite a departure from Sir Walter Raleigh's politeness years ago." Village Pacifist (as the Salvation Army passes) : *' Oh, it's 'all right. I ain't Bavin' 'tain't.. But it's fosterin' th' martial spcerit jes' th' same." " The spelling-hook's all wrong, mamma! Tt don't look right for a little thins like a kitten to have six letters, mid a. big eat to only have three." Badly wounded Tommy (invalided home) : " I never remember such a quiet bank holiday, muni. Somehow nothing's brought the wax homo to me more." " And when you ©loped with the girl," risked a friend, " did her father follow you?" "Did he?" said the young man. '• Bather ! He's living with us yet!" Tho Inexperienced : "He Bays he can hardly restrain himself from falling down and worshipping her." The Rejected : " Tell him not to get nervous; she'll throw him down booh enough." Her Father : " You've been calling on my daughter for some time, young man. Why don't you come down to business?" Suitor : " Very well. How much are you going to leave her?" A lady as proud as old Lucifer Is tired of her husband's abucifer; , She says she will see If she ever gets free ' Love doesn't again make a gucifer. Touching on the subject of how Noah spent his time in the Ark, a lady teacher ventured the opinion that he did some fishing. Tho bright child joined in the con- ! versation, saying, "He couldn't do much fishing with only two worms." A woman once said to a popular novelist ; " Have you ever written anything that will . live after you have gone? "Madam," said the author, " what I am trying to do is to write something that will enable mo to live while I am here!" Country Minister : " My dear brethren, I do wish you would bring your children to churchbring even the very youngest ones. If they are too young to understand the service, they will at least cry and keep the older peonle awake." Pit had an appointment with Mike. Usually Mike was late, but this time Pat ; found his friend waiting for him. " Sure, Moike," he said genially, " it's myself that's surprised at ye. Oi'm glad to see ye first at last, because, begorra, ye were always behind before, but I see you've taken to being early of late." — i PROFESSIONAL CANDOUR. Artist (to model he has just picked up in the street) : "A man I had up here the other day stole two pounds when my back was turned. Would you do a thing like that?" Model: "Oh, no, air; you see, I haven't tho speed." CRUSHED. - «; Mr. Slimpursa (feeling his . ... way) : " Your charming daughter "tells me v ' that she is an excellent cook and housekeeper." Old Lady (calmly) : Yes, I have had ' her carefully taught, for I have always held that no lady who does not under- . stand housekeeping can properly direct a retinue of servants." A POOR SUBSTITUTE. Robert, the four-year-old son of a scientific man, had lived in the country most' of his short life. One day a caller, wishing to make friends with the little fellow, took him on his knee and asked : "Are there any fairies in your woods here, Robert?" "No,'' responded Robert promptly; "bat there are plenty of edible fungi." I. A GRUEL BLOW. "I see you have your "arm in a sling," said the inquisitive passenger. "Broken, . 'isn't it?" "Yes, sir," responded the other passenger. "Meet with an accident?" "No; broke it while trying to pat myself on the back." "Great Scott What for?" "For minding my own business." WELL INSTRUCTED. Yells from the nursery brought the mother, who found the baby gleefully pulling small Billy's curls. "Never mind, darling," she comforted. f'y "Baby doesn't know how it hurts." Half an hour later wild shrieks from the baby made her run again to the nursery. "Why, Billy," she cried, "what is the matter with baby?" "Nothing, muzzer," said Billy, calmly; "only now he knows." !THE KINDER WAY. A small special constable when on top of a tram-car was requested by the conj ductor to come down to deal with a man | ' who was inclined to be abusive. Reluc- - '.., tantly the special costable complied with the request, but found himself confronted | by a huge navvy about 6ft 6in high and /4ft broad. ' > * "There ho is," said the conductor; "he Won't pay his fare." The small special constable reflected, and then remarked sadly : " Well, I suppose I must pay it for him." CRASS CARELESSNESS. ! The holiday traffic was at its height, I and there were the usual piles of passenI gers' luggage on the platform of a great London terminus. In the usual way thu j porters were banging it about, while the j. owners mournfully looked on. | Suddenly the station-master appeared, , , and, approaching one of the most vigorous baggage-bashing porters, shouted in stem tones : , "Here, what do you mean by throwing those trunks about like that?" The passengers pinched themselves to "lake sure that they were not dreaming, mit they returned to earth when the official added : V I . Can't you see you're making big dents In tho concrete platform?" I SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OP. I Anxious to establish a family tree, a SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF. Anxious to establish a family tree, a | , . millionaire commissioned a genealogical I ■•'* 'Xpert to trace his ancestry back as far as * ', Possible. $s'k{fiJu Ve done mv best, sir," said the exI ' i '«*? *i when, he came to report progress, !'.. but I'm afraid you will not be pleased i ■ ?ith '*• Your great-great-grandfather was f'Wged for murder; your great-grand , M lather was transported for robbery; your ■; . Kraadfatlier was tarred and feathered for :- , gating his wife. It's not a very good >*m, » it?" -"'.!';' ', *■«& millionaire nat in gloomy thought 1 >'V''itiL a few momenta. Then his face "Sjjtened. '~'.,' < Ah, I should think it is!" he said, , jn«n emphatically, "it shows tho family :, ..improving with each generation. I'm I . ..,|"*. oeafc 0 the bunch. I've never been 1 »► S 4o ' yot. Let me have those records. ( - f ** proud .of them!'* ' ' 'B:.'