ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LII, Issue 16098, 11 December 1915, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

ii ■■" » ; ■ ■ - «Wks did yon quit your last place? - ' - w&sa' fe war',-work congenial?" _ I • ' ? "Lady, no work is congenial." - - - "As I understand it, yon lecture on the subject of peace at any price?" ".«JSfo: j-'v/'mv. rates are £5 per lecture." I ". " ■ . —-— ; .-'-■'''. f '■ '• . A Tommy at the front writes home that' I He in the trencher wouldn't be so- bad-' if it wasn't for the people opposite. "She says lam dull." " You. should''' I crack a few jokes occasionally. Ask lies' to marry you, or something like that/ , j . Auctioneer (at art. sale, reproachfully) • j "What! No advance on.tiiree shillings?' ■ Why, the picture by itself is worth/that."-' ~~* .'■■■'■■.. "Well, I made £300 this month enough, to pay all - my; debts." " What I kind of car are you going to buy -with f it!" :| ~~ '. - ' :: \ Willie "Dad, what do the lawyers' call a man that's been sued? " Dad:*" A** pseudonym, William. Can't -yon: see I'm - i My?" . ■ - ,- -v..- .'■_•.- j it "': ■ •■•■' ■"'' ; ■ ;|. Sunday Golfer: " Something has put i lo.off my game this morning, caddie." •'lt's them church bells, mister, they : [. ■ hadn't ought to be allowed." • & -ii\\ [■':"•-- : "- „ T . — ■ II Tom: Is it true that you proposed I to Alice and were rejected?" Jack: 1 "i£ot- exactly rejected; she said when' she felt lik*' making a fool of herself she'd let me know." . . . ■ \

I Customer: "Gee, this is a rotten | , agar." Shopkeeper: "Well, don't com- j plain. You've only "got one of them;. I've ';i get ten thousand of the darn things." ;;i Ladv (in London garden): "We al- v ways "keep the hose ready in case of a"1 Zeppelin raid." Visitor: :.= "But surely," my dear, it would never reach them at •"•' the height they fly! "■ - .- ,'- - * "Father," said the minister's son,' "my teacher says that 'collect* and 'congregate' mean the same thing." Do they? " "perhaps they do, my. son," said the<venerable clergyman, ;«*but you may tell > your teacher, that there is a vast difference between a congregation and a collection." j -. - "What do you intend i to do now that - you're through college?" asked the young . BA.'s father. , s M I'm thinking of taking- a vast-graduate' course ,in economics," re- * plied-' his son. "'* Economics, hey ?" saidthe latter-,**lf that's got anything to do with economy, I don't see what, makes 1 you think you've got any special aptitude for the study. * . SELF.SXPLAHTSII. .'; For sale—Pair of bronco horses Good ■' weight, sound, ■ broken.. • Owner; in. hos- h *' ~ . .' '■ . ■'•'. •- ■'• TESTOHIG COHSIDE3AIIOar. ''Lance-corporal T. —- (Sod Suffolks), wlk# was fcßre< ? -«,?.,;eaemv;»tsthe --.- of Mens, is happy -in his internBent. He has a -wife and six children." > - • ; l /, -. _ DEEAM COME TSTTE. ' "Did you ever' dream or being a pirate '■:;•> yon were a Boy? " " _ "Oh, yes. Isn't it queer? Now I'm . .'•-.. m ..the prosaic business of ;managing 'an aatomobile repair shop." - * -' - : "UrapM- Yon didn't miss it so fax." I - ,__ , - . . --, „ _ ■ , v . WItHKO vTO ;; LEASH. [ .ell, Dinah, how are you and your I Eew husband getting- alone?" "Firs' ?sfo. Miss Betty. :'I been 'crreeablv 'sprised in daft man." "Does tic treat jsa all right?" "Yessnin. He <p.i I ain't had ter bit 'izn but one time. -Ever seed er. nigger learn as quick as . --■■■■■ ■ sJffSR- : HOT. "•■'-■■".v-'- ■ ; -,>|l .want to see your, beauty editor," g:c the caller at the, sanctum of »' pepu- - lat'.njagazme.' ",-' • , ;':>.'. - ."Are yon. following-her advice!" - I am." ■ • •; .-■-■ Got confidence in It?'" •" ../ : "!>«» '. - . - . "Hen yon don't want to see her." - ' ' - - - ~< ■ TOO EVIDBHT Nervous Old Lady # {on small English ■•..railway: /'Ob, dear - hew we're rock-' im. I'm sure an accident will happen to this train.*'. - ~ * '. ■■ -: -, -J-'.rly Aboriginal: ""It's along ;■■'■<?■'■ -:- i,:p.' short-handed skilled men, era, so my son 'e orfei-ed •to drive her rest to oblige, and (confidentially) I don't; ■ - ••--=. *© knows much about it!.*.-- ■ " J . -r- ; ', PABTIAL SUCCESS. ;•.•:...•• "What's Professor Diggß doing -these : 4sys?" :■ ' : - J" He's trying Woteeipher ''* Babylonian .'. Jahlet." •'. •; ■ - . ,- "Any results "so far?**Sfiffc:' Biggs has nervous prostration, sad the dnldren have been sent to the soae of a relative." J.- - - , ~ r . i - — ; W3IEE TBDB CUBE FAILED. • A; young lady who ;lisped very • badly was treated by a specialist, and learned i ■; : ray ' the sentence::" " Sister Susie's ; Sewing Shirts for Soldiers.". ' -. :' Sh s repeated it to her friends; and "was i "•" .. I ,!* 011 her masterly performance.. ' >i v * but an ectheedingly >- ■ - '«pcalt remark to work into a convettha- -"--:-:— .-thiiUj -when yon cbnthider i - us* Ihave no thither Thuthie."r.-:c , - , *■■;.--■ lin-m- mi..in ■ m HABDEKED. - ■ "f .■^;>lr.'Editor, the Mayor" spoke very -Zy when . welcoming us - here'and ' K I.tnised-with'ns in the hardships we rfeared while prisoners in G.S.W.A., but -- assure yon all-.those' hardships can ?s considered as a pleasure when oomparing them with the magnificent reception taafc was extended :V us/'—tetter from ; a weased prisoner of war in the Capetown - {B.S.A,} Cape Times. - -. '-'~- - • .- A PBACTII3AL APPMOATION. ~..- When Joshgot home from his educaws!,' said Farmer Comtossel, ' "he sorted right in instructin' me about agri- : .-..--- So I didn't lose no time, to try ■' «m out," ■ * | P What did you do?" ,::;;' : '-.'-' - - . Sent him out to round up a swarm ft bses. ]■ Was the experiment successful? - \ Some. It didn't hurt the bees none, I sa kep' Josh from gettin' in the way fur >-•::'- two weans." _...._ . —i—.in..— ■-..-- x- - . ■-.-■ .

.: C? THE IHTEENATIOITAL LEAGUE. I Japan Can. play any position and. ' ' S-akes all tie 'managers nervous. - Sussia: -V. big fellow, but so slow lie |as to mafcj •*, comer in order to get .>W **• . ' . - Belgium: Tie innocent -spectator who ,v;<* Irt with a foul ball. ,*°%: A pitcher who looked? easy, ■• •■ OTtpwho is making a x lot of trouble. " - 1 > -J^ Uncle Sam: The man who owns the '" ?< peanut, and refreshment privilege. - War Correspondents The men 'wb-> cant jet into *fce press stand because the - ' Managers have given all the seats to their ■. f ' DESPEBATE. !. u *?k disliked being kissed. One- day --.-■ Z*' had been kissed a lot. Then, to make ."' V : '" rs .' worse, on going to the 'picture Pwace in the evening, instead of his fav- .**£»« cowboy and Indian : pictures there - Ip, nothing but a lot* more hugging "and "_""-■ He returned home completely '- -: patience with the J whole tribe- o£ , j V : he had tucked into bed mother . «ms 'i to kiss him good-night. . : . , ; ,- r i -fused. . ' " -'j ' : :;^fS' c^Br beggedfand;■ begged, till in dis- - : Jft^^ --turned to his father, who was k : :: .■'•'?* l 3ißg at the doorway, looking on, and - "'•:• -'- , • , " ,;. r , -'••;'. _ for heaven's sake, give this ■ -•v- a <Usv . ..• -. j