SHORT WAR STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LII, Issue 16050, 16 October 1915, Page 5 (Supplement)

SHORT WAR STORIES.

SPLINTERED. Sergeant : " Now, then, don't you know how to hold your rifle?" Recruit: "I've run a splinter in my finger. Sergeant (exasperated):" Oh, you 'are, 'ave you? Been scratchin" your 'ead, I suppose TO LET. An officer in England on leave very graphically and very simply described his experiences at " Beach W— the Gallipoli landing. "If I came into possession of Beach W &nd Hell," he observed, " I should let Beach \\ to a tenant." DIDN'T WANT TO BE TORPEDOED. A policeman, talking to an old lady in Newcastle, said : " Wey, thoo knaas whaat te de. Mistress Broon, if yen o' them Zeppelins comes alang. Thoo must gan doon into yor cellar." " -ly, hinnev, Aa knaa aall aboot gannin' doon into the cellar aall reet, but whaat aboot them submarines that's knockin' aboot?" YOUNGEST NAVAL STRATEGIST. Tn the Harrow train a small nine-year- ' old boy in a sailor suit was commenting | eagerly on the good news from the Gulf of Riga. " But why don't they build the | Dreadnoughts of pumice stone, mother?" he asked. "It's awfully light and strong, and it can't sink: it simply can't. And it's quite cheap, so it wouldn't matter if Jellicoe did lose a few." TRICK DRILL. Two countrymen were among the rerruits mustered 011 the drill ground, and J one of them, remarkably raw. asked his companion what tc/ do when he got the order. "Halt." "Well, was the reply, " when he says ! I' Halt!' ye bring the fut that's 011 the ground to the soide of the fut that's in the air. and thin remain quite motion- | less !" j KULTUR DEFINED AT LAST. A few weeks ago at a sale not far from Sunderland some farmers were discussing the war, and one of them approached a local farmer, who was noted for his knowledge of foreign affairs, with the query: Can ye tell me, Thomas, whaat this German Kultur is? There's a lot or talk aboot it. just noo." "Wey. hinnie," exclaimed Thomas, " Aa'm * not se varry shoor, but Aa th'nk it's some malignant sort of swine fever!" SIGNOR MARCONI'S STORY. Slgnor Marconi, who is undoubtedlyone of the most popular men in Italy just .■now, has been'telling a good story about a certain celebrated admiral who was a countryman of his. "The admiral," he says, " had won many battles and great renown, and at a ball given in his honour one lady said to another, ' How frightfully fat our dear admiral is getting.' ' Yes,' replied the second lady. Isn't it fortunate ? Otherwise he wouldn't be able to wear all his medals.' " * QUACK! QUACK One of Reuter's special correspondents at the Dardanelles : —" Apropos of the threat which had been delivered from aeroplanes to drive us into the sea, the authorities in Constantinople have seriously claimed that their gallant troops have actually effected this on several occasions, but that owing to their aquatic propensities the British are invariably able to swim ashore again and regatn their positions." ENCOURAGING RECRUITS. A recruiting meeting was held at a colliery a few miles north of Newcastle. After • a few speeches from some prominent men a local miner, who was very ' anxious to show his desire to do his bit as far as advising is concerned, went to where the speaker had explained the cause they were out for, and solemnly said: "Lads, ye neednt be frightened te gan to the u-ont, b'ecaas the first bullet that hits ye and hits ye in the reet pleyce, 1 ye niwer feel nowt rnair after. I ONE FOR THE SERGEANT-MAJOR. [ At one of the local encampments a kit ' inspection was held, and the different f companies were drawn up in lines, their kits displayed in front of them. The sergeant-major's eagle eye at once spotted the absence of soap in the outfit of Geordie's, and the non-com. asked the reason of this. " Wey, sor, Aa've used her all up," replied Geordie, frankly. " Used !" roared the sergeant-major angrilT\ " You mean to say you've used all your soap, and you not two months in the ranks vet? Why, my man. mv first cake of soap lasted me six months. Geordie's face was quite straight, but his eyes twinkled as he replied : " Aye, by gox, but ! thoo sees Aa washes masel ivvory day." ONE TO THE SCOUTS. A good story is being told at the expense of an Eastern Counties Volunteer Training Corps. On a recent Saturday, the commandant organised some " active service" operations with the local company of boy scouts in opposition. The task assigned the Training Corps was that of keeping the scouts out of some farm buildings which they were supposed to be desirous of capturing. It was arranged that defenders and raiders should, after the engagement was decided, sit down to tea together in a barn made particularly cosy for the occasion. Lnfortunately for the complete success of the afternoon, a rather heavy rain fell incessantly, but, at the risk of spoiling their new uniforms, the volunteers stood hour after hour in ditches and alongside hedgerows vigilantly watching for the invaders. Not a scout was seen, and eventually coming to the conclusion that the youngsters wer? deterred by the weather from making the attempt, the commandant called his men together and marched them to the barn for shelter and refreshment. ! A shrill and somewhat scornful cheer! greeted them as they came in sight of the refectory. " Afraid these hungry boys haven't left much tea or you." said the scoutmaster to the commandant. "You see, it was rather a long time to wait. How did we g.H in 7 Why. in the covered van which brought the refreshments. Packed like! sardines. Pity the weather spoiled it." | The commandant is firmly of opinion | that something else be«ide the weather | v.a= to blame, but as he actually sooke | to the driver of the van when that vehicle | was loaded with the enemy he wisely j hold* his tongue. But he gets positively peevish at the mention of boy scouts nowadays. j