ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LII, Issue 16032, 25 September 1915, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Customer: "Your cream is very good." Clerk: "It ought to be. 1 just whipt it." Bix: "Can I trust you?" Dix: ■i Actions speak louder than words. Try a» with £10."

Officer (severely) : " Is this rifle supposed io have been cleaned?" Recent Recruit: "Well, —yes. But you know what these servant gals are! - '

Cawker: ''I've had another addition to my family since I saw you last." Cumso: Yon don't say! Boy or girl?" Cawker: "Son-in-law."

The Bride: "I hate having to thank those horrid Smiths for that awful teapet. It seems sinful to lie for the sake of people one doesn't like."

"Pa. a man's wife is his better half, isn't she?'' "We are told so, my son."' "Then if a man marries twice there isn't anything left of him. is there?''

Village Storekeeper (as pastor executes a masterly retreat front his store): ■"Dinged (.Id hypocrite.! This is the same lead quarter 1 put in the collection last Sunday!"

"Them -was nice folk you waited on, Mamie, ain't they?" "No, no, dear! Appearances is deceitful. They didn't lave no charge-account. Paid cash for everything."

Gallant Passenger: "Won't you take my seat, madam?" Embarrassed Beneficiary: "Oh, I thank you so much! I'll take the seat with pleasure, but I don't ■want you to stand up."

Papa: "Why. hang it, girl, that fellow only earns two pounds a week!" Pleading Daughter: -Yes: hut. daddy, dear, a week passes so ouickly when you're fond of one another."

"Won't, your mother be mad* when she sees how you -tore your clothes?" •' I guess not so very. " Mali have lots of inn huntin' up cloth to match an" puttin' in a patch so people can hardly notice it.

Manager: "What's the leading lady in such a tantrum about?" " Press Agent: "She only got nine bouquets over the footlights to-night." "Great Scott' Isn't that enough?" "No. She paid for ten."

" I have often stood in a slaughterhouse," observed the man from Chicago. "while the butchers were killing hogs on all sides of me." "Oh." exclaimed the tender-hearted girl, "weren't you dreadfully afraid?"

'■ Why do you object to my marrying your daughter?" " Because" von can't support her in the style to which she has been accustomed all her life." "How do yon knout I can't ? I can start her on bread-and-milk, same as you did

Im awfully sorry that my engagemeats prevent my attending voUr charitv concert, but I shall be with you in spirit." " Splendid! And where would vou like your spirit to sit? I have tickets "here for half a guinea, a guinea, and thirty shillings.

Coasting Skipper (to interviewer!: lus. From your papers vou'd think the sea round the coast was 'full of German submarines. But it ain't so reelv. W'y. sometimes* we goes for as much as a nour without seem' p'raps more than one of em.

BARBARITIES OF WAR. She (viewing the flagship): " What does he blow that bugle for?" He: "Tattoo."

She : " I've often seen it on their arms but I never knew they had a special time for doing it,"

LIFE'S BITTEENESS.

" Hints on courtship abound. Everv magazine tell you. now to win a wife". Anybody:will gladly post you on the etiquette of love-making.'/ " What's on your mind?" " "But after a man marries he has to shirt completely for himself."

NO MOTE IN HIS EYE. " What are you studying now?" asked Sirs. Johnson.

"We have taken up the subject of molecules," answered her son. "' I hope you will be very attentive and practise constantly," said the mother. "I tried to get your father to -wear one, but he could not keep it in his eye." TRUTH. Mrs. Eze: " Here's an invitation from Mrs. Boreleigh to one of her tiresome dinners. I hate them." Exe: " Why not plead that you have a previous engagement?" Mrs. Exe: " That would be a lie Edith, dear, write Mrs. Boreleigh that we accept with pleasure." AWFUL FATE. ' If you are not in khaki by the 20th I shall cut you dead," wrote a patriotic young Englishwoman to her lover. The militancy of it lost nothing in its translation by a German correspondent of the Cologne Gazette: — "If you are not in khaki by the 20th I shall hack you to' death (hacke ich dich urn Tode)." STRATEGIC. "Fore!" shouted the golfer, ready to play. But the woman an the course paid no attention. "Fore!" he repeated, with not a bit more effect than the first time. "Try her with ' Three and eleven.'" suggested his partner. "She may be one of those bargain-counter fiends."

INSTANT BELIEF.

Cholly (to shopman) : " I sav—aw— could you take that yellow tie with the pink spots out of the show-window for me.'"

Shopman : " Certau>ly, sir. Pleased to take anything out of the window any time. sir. '

Cholly: "Thanks, awf'ly. The beastly thing oothaws me every time I pass. Uood mawning."

USEFCTL KNOWLEDGE

Some of the grandest discoveries of the ages," said the great scientist, sonorously, - have been the result of accidents." "I can readily believe that," said the fair lady. "I once made one that wav mysel:." The great man blinked his amazement. i "May I ask what it was?" "Certainly." replied the fair one. "I found that by keeping a bottle of ink handy you can use a fountain pen just like any other pen—without all the trouble of filling it."

"AWN AWNGLAY." A maker of lyddite named Belleville Had a temper remarkably lellevrile. But when jilted for khaki , He cut up quite uarkv. And said. "Well! If" girls aren't the delleville !"

A poor captive Tommy named Bethune Writes: '•The Germans mv temper don't swethune. It makes me see red When they give me 'war-bread'— Its the worst stuff that I've ever ethune."

1 a GRATEFUL PAPA. Hiss Curley kept a private *i-hool. and one morning was interviewing a, new pupil. b " What does your father do to earn his P" '«& the teacher asked the little girl. "' : "I, ] ease - ma'am." was the prompt reply, .* -be doesn't live with us. Mv mama supports .me." " "Well, then," asked the teacher. how 1;' »J"" mother earn her living?'* Why," replied the little girl in an ; , manner, "she gets paid for staying » w *y from father,"