A EULOGY OF WAISTCOATS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LII, Issue 15849, 20 February 1915, Page 1 (Supplement)

A EULOGY OF WAISTCOATS.

MY FRANK MORTON'.

Ihhhk is no more stupid and despicable raiment than a pair of trousers. Trousers icgin to lose their symmetry the moment hey alO first worn, and after that, moment >> moment, they become more unshapely. <o other invention of man's hands is mi liabolically effective in making the uiuwii figure ludicrous. .Not one modern nan in an average hur,died has a solitary -rare of dignity in thai part of him Vna't toes from the waist down. .Not one tailor n fifty can cut the abomination so well md so smartly as to redui e its essential 'ffensix enes.s to the irreducible minimum. I rousers stain I as the hideous symbol of nans degeneracy in the realm of esthetics. W> creatine with a pai tide 01 true taste [Jould nor we.: i troiiM-rs fiom ihoice. 11 miners iiio a disgrace that the corrupted ears .if this modernity have sanctioned, ilut there is wonderfully much to be said II deleiue of waistcoats. ,!M ' li.'st p'acc, win n any man is not 'I a. pleasing p. limpness 01 comfortable otumiity. his wa'stcout hides his libs. I here is 1:0 inure comic spectacle than that >f a thin man stripped. Ihe high gods voop with excess of laughter when they •eo naked a flat chesfed fellow who is so bin tiiat his r'.bs show. Xo shirt is 11; 'self adequate to the task of concealing he r.iis. A passing wind will flatten the -hi:; against the lx>dy. and then the ridges '1 rib shew thioiigii it as plainly as if hey vvei stark. J here is something al in'.-!, i.Oll '.lying in the visible ribs. You ; ee indecently exposed a man still ap■aientiy a ive and making noises—.l puHe t ..it lemiuds you grucsomely of those 'Id woodcuts nt toasting martyrs and other ••id tormented fish that mi p adorned oid Koxe's morbid page. Hut yon will note i: as .i blessed and most singular thing 'hat 110 man .- ribs ever show through li;s ivaistnoat. Then vou may take the other ait — that a waistcoat is always in some •ense a decoration. A man standing in ,I'iiusers and shut, is as unsightly from t!w waist up as lie is ridiculous from the waist down. Rut a waistcoat < overs many queer tilings, and gives a more or less pleasing me to the contour by nature least lnspirng. It is in waistcoats, and in waistoafs only, that our tailors triumph. They .an all make waistcoats well. 1 never yet had a coat that fitted me quite to my liking, and 1 never yet had a waistcoat that didn't. Why is if'.' The trousers bag nt the knees, and in the parts where comlc.it should most prevail they pinch anCi gall one. Coats sag and sit awkwardly. Hut the waistcoat fite when it is new, and fits when it- is old. If you remove {ill the buttons and fasten it with pins or bits of string it will still have somewhat of a jaunty look. Think, too, of what 1 may call the sentimental history of waistcoats. How many fair heads of yielded ladies have rested against them! How often the not-quite-certain dearie has bedewed them with her tears'. This may account in some way for the curious, hut indubitable, fact that women nearly always respect- waistcoats. Your wife may rifle your trousers and your coat, muddle your correspondence and pilfer your loose change, but she seldom or never troubles herself about your waist coat pockets. . This talk is true, and I offer it in gladsome brotherlines-s for the delectation and uplifting of the prudent that experiment. Some meji. of courf-e, habitually carry nothing in their waistcoat pockets—nothing but a watch and hi: It-a-dozen Icoce snatches. If by accident they put anything else theie, they piomptly forget it. I knew a man who took to town a valuable loose pearl belonging to his wife. He was told to take it to a certain goldsmith's place. He forgot all about it till lie returned home. Then he found 11: d' lie had 10-=t the pearl. The gem wis valuable, and had been some time in the lady's family. For a month or more the wail of her woe was a misery in the house, while every newspaper in Queensland offered seductive rewards to whomsoever should retrieve the pearl and bring l'. safely hone. Then a housemaid found it. It was in the right-hand .'•illy wntchpxket of the man's waistcoat. " Who the deuce would ever dream of looking in. such a place!" he said to me at the time. Not so long ago I found ten shillings' worth of twopenny stamps in the pocket of an old waistcoat. Some men. on the other handthough these are a small and curious minority— some men do carry all sorts of tilings in their waist* oat-pockets. Take the men of Karori. I have watched them covertly for years, and they have giver, me great delight. Karori is Wellington's remotest suburb. It is so silent and solitary that the big cemetery in the middle of it is the liveliest spot m the whole place. All lvarori men instinctively lose themselves in wild experiments with incubators and cabbage-plants. Great and intrepid travellers hear of the place, and what they hear of it make them keep away. (Jure Out to Karori. twice off the earth ; 1 dare say you know what 1 mean. Karon is 'a pretty spot, but everyone out there is too tired and dull to notice. It is tile last earthly home or chosen place of retirement of uninspired commercial men, irreclaimable twopenny politicians, and undertakers poets. It is beautiful, hut always somehow bilious. And, as 1 was saving just now, the man of Karori is a very curious bmi. He is in vers case a local politician, ready at any minute to talk himself into a pink frenzy over a proposal to whitewash the milestone first on the right along the road to Makara. If lie sees anything lying about, lie puts it into his waistcoat The other day I saw a Karori man in a tramcar. fumbling in bis waistcoat for a copper. He pulled out an old and wi< ked pipe, several bruised and dirty matches, a tramwaytimetable. a dingy litter of iiewspa pe'r(lipping*, three depressed jujubes, several loos.- buttons, and a piece o{, apple. He held these in his left hand while he groped for the penny with his right, the °waistcoat having yielded no bronze ; he lipid them there in the affronted eye of day. and without shame lie gloated on them. ' 1 had an idea that lie was really a hit sorry I n' 1 ' to find a couple of earth-worms among the lot, and when he < auie upon an old corn plaster that had escaped his notice as wed as mine. I could see the sudden gleam of new contentment in his eve. He plainly fc t that after all his museum was making a rather good show. I knew one man who always stuck lighted mate lies in his waistcoat-pocket when lie had managed to get his pipe going. I knew another, a preacher of the Gospel and a very good man, who used to twist iii" waistcoat butt ins off in the pulpit and stick them into his waistcoatpocket- when they came loose. A man less thrifty would have chicked them at the congregation or lung them u'lHesslv all over the piace. But the queerest of all waistcoated oddities 1 haw- met was a chap in Melbourne who invariably had a couple of white mice in his waistcoat pricket, with a few crumbs of cheese to keep them happy. I met him in th* tram cr-innr; 'cme from his Masonic Lodge one night. He took the mice out of his pocket, .•'ml i lid-!' -1 tlnm in his large moist palm wh:!- he wept bemuse they led such simple innocent little lives. ' Personally I doubted ; t. >e::ily always, since firs' man began to < lapvov.- rings 011 his nelt, ther" Imp b. en waistcoat* of one sort or another. They came in. 1 supp-.#.-, as broad belts iii wkuli our primitive ancestors stuck weapons or l.a 1 f-picked bones. Later there was a waistcoat lue.-e to every suit of armour, and this pi.' v gave a certain air of suppleness to an otherwise stiff and solid sor' of apparel. l-'ven a woman dressed in man's clothing, the strangest sight the ages have produced. looks passably well about the waistcoat part. We no sick if trousers, but we will not for anything give up our waistcoats. Instead, as we became gayer and more civilised! we will make (hem beautiful and sprightly. Of precioii-- fabrics shall they be fashioned, and th" elegance of eost'y lac e shall be upon them. If you look hack to the age when men dressed with decent effect you will agree with me that only a man ran wear la e w't'li distinction, That is a- fact • that all frilled damsels may ponder to [their profit.