ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LII, Issue 15825, 23 January 1915, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

TfgAT German spies are learning : The Remorse Code.

Mistress: "Are you married." Applicant;' " No'm. I bumped into a door!"

"Dodge Brothers Motor-Car," says a gcieniU'C American advertisement. " We certainly will.

Who is this much-mentioned General Staff) ant ' connec tion of Corporal' Punishment 7

Have you any experience with children-" "><>. n ' a am. 1 always worked 1:1 l a 9 bast fani.l:c>.

If the Austrian military does not curb its overbearing manners, it will quickly turn Uelgiadi. into Kebclgrude.

"Is he an apostle of humanity?" "Is he? He has 12 children and won't let cue ci them Uike music-lessons."

She: "Oh. there goes Peggy Brown' Isn't she lowly ': I wish 1 were half as goo<i-l"okin_; ' He : " Oh, but you are !"

c-:r Ceckr ey corre?|--ondent lias bobbed up again with the suggestion that the Ka- : - r IS the finest example of a wrong 'la-

Mrs. Beat : " 1 ell the gentleman I'm notre< e' *' ■ - :l } . N'•!•:»." New Maid: " B'.:t ain't do!i\er;n', mum ; he's collect. .

Patri-'tic Tea. her : •"England expects , . . No"' will you boys finish the senton- e ' Kin; land expects" Bright, Pupil: "To win!"

Mr. Karl H. von \\ legand, the special correspondent of the 1 nited Press, refers t.i the l : own l':;nee as "the future Kaiser." We winder!

M:ss Supheridgp : " I should just like to the. man th.it I'd promise to love, honour. at:,} ithi-v !" Miss Pertiv : "I'm sure V "U would, dear."

Writing mi the capture of De Wet, a journalist refers to the Boer rebel's behaviour as "brut.il.'' A bolder man wcuid have called it revolting.

There is a great revival in tattooing. wp read. But- our men are patronising the native artist, not 'wishing to have any German designs on them.

Old Man : " W hat are you fishing for, sonny'" Sonny: " Snigs." Old ".Man; "What, are snics?" Sonny: "I don't know, I ain't- never caught any yet."

German headquarters suffer from a. strange access of candour. The report says that ermelies was evacuated on account 01" the continuous French artillery fire.

if© : "Everything is getting higher." Husband : " Oh. I don't- know. There's yjur opinion of me and my opinion of you, and the neighbours' opinion of both of us "

"Willie," said the teacher, "give me three proofs that the world is actually round." "Yes'm," said Willie, cheerfully ; " the book says so, you: say so, and; ma says so."

Ex-President Taft's speech in New Jersey has been described as a tonic for Canada. The official American attitude towards belligerents must, however, be strictly Pla-touic.

No man who has read the British Blue Book, the .Russian Orange Book, the Belgian Grey Book, or the French Yellow Book can possibly fail to put Germany in his own Black Book.

'• Fatter, u said a small boy. " what is a demagogus?" "A demagogue my son, is a man yko can rock the boat himself £~'d persuade ' everybody that there's a terrible storm at sea."

In a map of the United Kingdom, printed by the Lokalanzeiper, the Mersey is located in the West of Ireland. But this is nothing to what the Allies will do to the map of Germany.

"I think, William, I'll ask those new people next door to take dinner with us to-night." "What for?" "Well, the butcher, by mistake, left their meat order her?, and it seems only fair."

First. Student (wearily) : "I suppose I'll bfc up all night to-night; I have to make cut. my expense account." {second (mora hopefully) : "Why don't you tell the truth and get a good night's rest?"

"Is Micky in condition?" "He's as fine as silk. Ah ! Micky's a great, boy. He's got something up his sleeve that'll astonish all thim other fighter?." "What is it, Mrs. Doolan ? " "It's his ar-r-m."

It would seem that the Crown Prince's little habits have spread among his soldiers to at. unexpectedly alarming extent. " Every night," says a contemporary, "separate individual Germans Heal from the tranches."

Miss Marie Corelli announces that the coming of the phonograph was foreseen by the Hebrew prophet who wrote : " Declare unto m e the image of a. voice." If Miss Corel!: is correct, this may be acclaimed a record prophecy.

-jim (just leaving for Egypt): "Well, good-bye, mother, take care of yourself. I'll bring you a pyramid' when I come bark home." Mother: " Tha' mun do Jiothin' of the sort. lad. Tha' manna put thy sen to any trouble for me."

First Native: "We're doin' fine at the war, Jarge." Second Native: "Ay, and •so hv they Frenrhies." First Native: "Ay, and so be they Belgians and Rooshians." Second Native: "Ay, and so be they Alleys. I don't know where they come from, but they be devils for fightin."

Here is a recent Parliamentary bull from the Irish section of the House of Commons. A member of the Emerald Isle, speaking of the extension of the Irish franchise, ended his oration as follows : ' Ycj should refrain from throwing open the fioodg.-ites of democracy, lest you pave the way tor a general conflagration."

It was a wet. miserable night, and the ear was crowded. Suddenly a coin was Wrd to drop. An old man stooped and picked it up. "Has anyone lost a sovereign?" he inquired, anxiously. Nine passengers hurriedly searched their pockets and shouted : "I have." "Well. I've found a pennv towards it," said the old mar.

do you insist on trying to sell 'Tie beefsteak an,] beans and buckwheat cakes''' demanded the barber. " I told you ail I wanted was two fried eggs.'" Well. I was m your shop yesterday," retorted the restaurant man. " All I wanted was a shave, but you bulldozed ™e into a shampoo, a foam fizz, and a tone rub."

The proud father had come up from the CO'itry to .--e his sailor son on board his stup. ftp had never seen a battleship .. re, and accordingly marvelled thereat, ost as lie caught hold of the. two ropes Which hung over the side to assist sailors ° the derk. he was somewhat surprised to hear a dancing of hells— eight bells ? amen's time. As he stepped on deck •e met the officer of the watch. He saluted un and said, timidly : " I beg your par°°n, i sir, I've come to see my son Jack. "I. pon my word, I didn't mean to ring so loud."

-'Irs. Simper found herself for the first lrtie without a cook. She had paid the ignest wages and suffered patiently from ei _r carelessness a.nd eanrice. After pre. Paring several meals with her own fair ands and naming confidence in the art. ?/" approached her hu=band with a brilla proposition. "What do vou say, J*. s^e began. "if we do without a «°ln aT keep the. money for my very J~..' t® u P nnse 1 cook for one month, what 4.J Set"Well," said the husband, of fL °' ie mc>n th you will get one - those long crepe veils for widows."