ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LII, Issue 15807, 2 January 1915, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Fire : " Have you heard of my engagement?" Minn: "No—er— the plucky man? "

Doctor : " Your son has a complication of diseases." Father : ; ' Well, what'll you charge tc cure the lot?"

Algy: " You say she only partially returned your affection." Clarence : "Yes; alio returned all the love-letters, hut but retained all the jewellery."

The Old 'Un : " How is it you ain"fc gone for a soldier? " The Young 'TJn : "Ov? could I? I'm on piecework."

Mrs. Flubdub : "My husband goes out every evening for a little constitutional. Docs yours? ' Mrs. Rubup: "No; my husband always keeps it in the bouse." "

Preacher : "We never realise the full value of anything until we lose it." Bereaved Widow : " That's so ; especially if the last thing is insured."

" Please, sir, can Billie go in for' freeapenco cos 'es got a bad eye?" He'll hare to pay double. It'll take him twice as long to see the show."

New Par. c on : "And what is your husband, Mrs Brown?" Mrs. Brown - "Well, sir, 'e ain't exactly a policeman, but '« goes with 'em a good deal."

Sergeant (in charge of the firing party) : " You've hit a bull this time." Raw Recruit : "Good!" Sergeant (sarcastically) : "It's in a field to the right of •hhe target."

Cholly : "When I was a boy, you know, the doctor said if I didn't stop smoking cigarettes I would become -feeble-minded." Miss Keen:' Well, why didn't you stop ? "

He : "I am sorry that I am married." She :"Soam I: very, very sorry. He : "Really if I were free, would you— She: "I mean that lam sorry fer your wife."

Wag (who thought he'd have a joke at the expense of provision dealer) : " Can you supply me with a yard of pork?" Shopman (to boy) : " Mac, give this gentleman three pigs' feet."

- Rustic (after discussion on airships) : " Well, all Oi can say is, Oi 'ope them Zeppelins don't come throw-in' bombs 'ereabonts. 'cos Oi've jest 'ad a brand new roof on me fowl 'ouse'."

"Miss Agnes," he whispered, "will you take me for better or worse!" "If I were sick, doctor, I might take you for better," answered she. '"But, being quite well, I'll let well alone."

" No, Willie," said his mother, "no more to eat to-night. Don't' yon know you can't sleep on a full, stomach ?" "' That's all right, mamma," said Willie; "I can sleep on my back, can't I?"

It's too bad." said Lawyer Graball, " the way old Squigging's fortune has been squandered in litigation." "It is, indeed.'' "Why, fully nine-tenths of it has gone to his heirs in witness fees." " Do yon believe in the transmigration of souls?" inquired the new boarder. " I certainly do," replied the boardinghouse mistress, most emphatically; "I have often known men to become pigs on my hands." " A couple." said Mrs. Simpkins, • " got married a few days ago after a courtship which had lasted fifty vears." "I suppose," replied:, Mr. Simpkins,. ** the poor old man. had become too feeble to hold out any longer.' "Johnston has inherited a wonderful collection of art works, antiques, and bric-a-brac." "From an ancestor who was a connoisseur, I presume"?" "Not exactly. From an uncle % who "was a pawnbroker." "I gave Waller a beautiful necktie of my own make for a Christmas present," said Mabel "Was he pleased? "Oh, yes; he said its- beauty will be for no other* eyes than his own. Wasn't that lovely "of him?" - --'- - English Friend (to Frenchman) : " It's all right; no cause for alarm. Don't you know the proverb, 'Barking dogs don't bite'?" Frenchman: "Ah, yes, I know ze proverbe, you know ze proverbe; bat ze dog— be know ze proverbe ? '*

. Master of the House : " I've been waiting for yon just one hour." Mistress of the House: "Before we were married you said that you would be willing, like. Jacob* to wait for me twice seven years." Master {five years married) : " I only wish I had."

Alice, an enthusiastic motorist, was speaking to her friend Maude, in relation to the slowness of a certain young man at proposing. " Charley seems to start easy," she remarked, " and he speeds up well; but just at the critical moment he always skids." " •' _

Tourist : " Yon have an unusually large acreage of corn under cultivation. Don't the crows annoy you a great deal." Farmer: "Ob,, not to a*y • extent. ''■ Tourist: "That's peculiar, considering you have no scarecrows." Farmer:'"Oh, well, you see. I'm out here a good partof the time myself."

** That was a great scheme old Shrewdly worked." "I didn't hear of it." He gave it out that the first one of his eleven daughters to be married should have his entire fortgne." " What was the result ?" " Eleven elopements* in one night They can't determine which one was the first, so Shrewdly gels' rid of the girls and keeps the' fortune." - ** 5

First Stranger (on railway train) : " So you are selling Professor Blank's new book, are you f Strange coincidence. I am Professor Blank." Second Stranger : "That so? Then you wrote the very book I am agent for ? " " Yes. The hardest work. l ever did was -writing that book." " Well, well! That's strange. The hardest work I ever did was trying to sell it."

A party of young ladies visited an observatory to have a peep through the monster telescope at the new. comet. The astronomer conducted them to the instrument, and they looked through in turns. "Oh, isn't it charming, heavenly, enchanting, wonderful !" ami so fd libitum. After a while the =ly astronomer observed : 'Nov, ladies, I shall remove the i cover and place the instrument in position if you will allow me."

A sturdy Scot, six feet five inches in height, is a gamekeeper near Stafford. One hot day last summer he was* accompanying a bumptious sportsman of a very small stature when he was greatly troubled by midges. The other said ■to him : "My good man, why is it that the midges do not trouble me?" "I Jaursay," replied the gamekeeper, with a comprehensive gl.vnce at the other's small proportions, *' it w ill be because they hevna seen ye yet."

A tradesman in a certain town put a box outside his shop one day. labelled, " For the Blind.'' Most of his customers dropped in . pennies and complimented him on his charity. A tew weeks after the box disappeared. " Halloa- ! what's happened to your box for the 'blind' ?" he was asked. " OL, I got enough money," he replied. "And,'' pointing upwards to the new canvas blind that sheltered his shop window, "there's the blind. Not bad, is it? "

" I understand you were punished in school yesterday, ' Thomas ? " said Mr. Bacon to his twelve-year-old boy. "Yes, sir," promptly replied the truthful Thomas. "It was for telling the truth, sir." " Your teacher said it was for some reflection you made on her age." "That's the way she took it, father. You see, she drew a picture of a basket of eggs on the blackboard, and wiiile she was out of the room I just wrote under them : " The hen that made these eggs isn't any ■ chicken."