ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LI, Issue 15718, 19 September 1914, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

♦—- <<t uo™ ou or a " *' m wor^1 "" r °- '(Vstecl'the young man. "I rather think it's for all I'm worth," replied the girl. '«' 3,11," said a sweet Kerry maid to her ■' lover "i* 3 0U wel ° me ' P;tlsv . a' 1 0" ! ffere'yOU, I wud be married long a ß° : --" "That's a fine dog you have there. Wfiat breed is it?" Little Girl: "Sh! Piwsff loud'. He thinks he's a bulldog." Visitor: "Can you tell me. if this tree ''belongs to the acanthus family?" Parkteener: "It do not; it belongs to the ;toffn council." -; «jjv rose'' he whispered, pressing bet 'fail.'"cheek against his own. "My cactus," lambed the pretty girl, noticing that he needed a shave. Dentist: "The teeth in this glass ease -ere. all taken from prominent literary 'men" Visitor: "Extracts from popular authors, so to speak." •"I believe in the kiss-andmake-up theorv.' ' 1P said " And ' find things that "way." he replied. "Whenever I kiss, I notice the make-up." "Yes, smoking is an expensive habitWhen a man gives his trie ids cigars all [lid year round, look what a lot he loses'.' "Do vou mean cigars or friends?" , Sea Captain : "Waiter, what do you call this" Waiter: "Soup, sir." Sea Captain: "Well, well, I must have sailed on sour all my life and didn't know it." Admiral (to bishop) : " How many couples have you spliced on occasion?" "Oh. ** manv as tweutv m wo hours." "Jfa! a speed of ten knots an hour'" Curate: "What arc you running for, Tommv'" Tommy: "I'm tryin' to keep tvro fellers from fightin'." "Who are the fellows ?" "Bill Perkins over there and me'" "When you look at me. my dear, youi eves always have a stupid expression." '•That is, without doubt, my dear, because they always reflect your adorable kage." , "I was sorry to see you standing outtide that inn "he other morning, James," »id the vicar. "It was no fault 0' mine, sir,-" said James, "that I was standin' 'outside!" Mrs. Crabshaw: " You seem to have become resigned to Freddie's going in swimming.'' ~ Mis. Cobwigger: "You see, dear, it's about the only way I can ■ get him to wash his face." "Oh. Bobbie, Bobbie," said his aunt ■ reproachfully, " why is it you never remember to say 'Thank you''" "I expect it's 'cause I don't get things given to me often enough to practice!" Bobbie answered. 1A little boy, sitting opposite to a-pen-f sioner whose breast was covered with ; medals, said to his mothers "Mamma, why does that man wear his money on his coat? Won't they let him have pockets? " : -American Tourist: " 1 see there are the relics of an ancient Roman bath here. Do you know anything of its history?" Native: "Well, I can just remember seeing them build it; but the consarn soon ■busted, an' they went broke!" Mother (after relating pathetic story) : "Now, Reggie, wouldn't you like to give your bunnv to that poor little boy you gaw to-day who hasn't any father? Reggie (clutching the rabbit): "Couldn't we give him father instead?" ■ " I see one of our big concerns is going to do something for its old clerks.'' " Good luck! What form will it take? "Well, after a man has been with them twentv'-five years they're going to give .Him-a: gold stripe on his sleeve." " Recently," writes a correspondent, "I purchased a cat. Previously I had purchased a canary. Later I purchased a , 'large dog. Now I have only the dog. In 1 view of his diet, don't you think the dog I should now be able to sing and catch mice?" • "And you say that Brownlcy was cured of a bad attack of insomnia by suggestion''" "Yes—purely by suggestion. :• His wife suggested that since he could not sleep he might as well sit- up and j amuse the baby. It worked like a ; charai." ' "John." she said, as he settled down for his afternoon smoke, I've got a- lot of things I want to talk to you about—' ■"Good," said her husband: "I'm glad ;* to hear it. Usually you want to talk to me about a. lot o*f things you haven't got." . | Baxter had put his feet on the mantel- ; piece and balanced the chair on which he was seated on one of its four legs. Thompson: "You're using one of your chair's legs, Baxter. Now, what are tho other three for?" Baxter: "To support the chair when nobody's Bitting on it." 'f; An Irish girl dismissed her sweetheart with a promise to marry him when he had saved £1000- About three months later she met him, and asked how much ; be had- "About two pounds ten,"_ he replied., "Well," she said, blushing; ?v I reckon that's near enough." -' ' A landlady, whose reputation for overfeeding her boarders was not great, asked her solitary boarder before he commenced Vis supper: "Shall I light the gas?" The lone one looked at the scanty meal, find replied : " Well, no, it isn't necessary— supper is light enough." s I A benevolent old gentleman, seeing a .'little tot weeping, went up to it and said: "Now, he a good hoy and stop crying." "I can't!" sobbed the child. " But why • can't you?" "I can't!" "Well, here's a penny; tell me why you can't be a good boy and stop crying!" "'Cause I'm a girl!" ■'\ Mr- Shoddy: "Yas, that's the armah used by my anceftah who came ovah with the* Conquerah." Young Lady (aftet examinintr the armour carefully): "It ,'*»ys 'Made in Germany' "on the gauntlet." Mr- Shoddy: "Oh, yes: my anceslah—er—started from there, don't you know." "Get away from here or I'll call my husband." threatened the hard-faced woman who had just refused the tramp some food. " Oh. no, you won't," replied the tramp, "because he ain't home." "How do vou know' " asked the woman. "Because," answered the man, "a man who marries » woman like you is only tome at meal times." Sam's friends were reasoning with him patiently at the street comer. " Now, Ram, it's time von went 'onw. That's the best place for vou," " It's this way," objected the erring one. "if I go 'ome 1 now, she'll gay I'm drunk; if I don't go W she'll sav I'm drunk. It's this 'ere suffragette movement that's set 'em "arguing. I've a good mind to go home and. break the winders-" A fond mother had bored a tea-partv for something over twenty minutes by expatiating upon the many and incom- . parable virtues of her son. aged six. At : last she took his hand and rose. " I must he off now," she explained, "I am taking »y dear boy to the zoo." Oh, are ' you?" said one of her hearers who had suffered too long. "We are sending ours to. Eton!" :;. "Ah. yes," murmured Miss Screecher. after the first selection at the musical evening, "I have had some exciting experiences. Coming over here from New York a terrible storm arose, and I had . to sing to quiet the passengers. 'You should have seen the heavy seas running. i; ; And the big, rude man in the pink neckItie .gazed out of the window, " I 0011 t Mama.the seas," he muttered.