A MATRIMONIAL ASSIZE.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LI, Issue 15664, 18 July 1914, Page 2 (Supplement)

A MATRIMONIAL ASSIZE.

CLAIMS FOR FLITCH OF BACON.

COUPLES WHO NEVER .QUARREL.

Dimtow is no more! Its fame has passed! Notiblc for immoinorial years as the ancient and blissful haunt of perfect matrimonial felicity— what more could any village, or town, wish to be famous for?— has this year made known to the world that there are no claimants for tho historic flitch of bacon with which it had been wont to reward the happy participators in conjugal beatitude. Its special celebrity seems to have descended upon, that populous suburb of London, Ilford. Ilford, if ono can believe oven half of what one heard recently at the second annual assizo for awarding tho flitch to married couples "who can swear that for a year and a day they have never had a quarrel, or even a tiff, and never once wished themsolvca unwed "—llford, on.co more, would appear to bo a matrimonial Elysium and a domestic Arcady. Apparently the word "quarrel," or even " tiff " is unknown to- the married inhabitants. Cross words are never heard at tho Ilford hearth, cross looks never seen. Grumbling by husbands, or petulance on the part of wives has become unthinkable. Seemingly collar studs never get lost of a morning, and ■ tete-a-teto dinners never are late at night. The matrimonial harmony of tho place, indeed, hasn't a anglo discord. This, at least, is the Impression one brought away from this matrimonial assize, at which three morrily wedded couples came scathless through the most searching and sceptical inquisition into their domestic affairs ono could reasonably oxpect to hear in a public court; with tho pleasant result and prospect of having enough matutinal bacon for months and months to come. The Proceedings. Counsel for the applicants (Mr. Charles Quick, with him Mme. O'Mahony) contended that his clients had succeeded, and, anticipating a judicial quandary, asked what there was to prevent tho pair of flitches being cut into three equal portions. " Aha," said Judge Ryan cautiously, "can you quote me a precedent?" " Certainly," said Mr. Quick, " the precedent of Solomon." And he dilated upon 'hat Biblical wiseacre's solution of the )..(rentage of a child. ''What do you say to that, Mr. Grigsby?" inquired the judge of the counsel for tho flitches (with him Miss Seabourne). But counsel for tho flitches was unaccommodating. Settling his wig pugnaciously, ho said he declined to be bound bv the case of a child who 6pmo thousands of years ago might havo been cut in halves but wasn't. "I'm afraid I must rulo against you, Mr. Quick," decided tho judge in a buzz of approval which indicated the public relief that the beautiful symmetry of the flitches was not to be ruthlessly destroyed, and in the silence fiercely secured bv' the usher his lordship's clerk, Mr. McOulloch, announced his intention of presenting a gammon by way of consolation to the unsuccessful couple. The Claimants. Tho claimants were Mr. and Mrs. E. A. Smith, of Enfold; Mr. and Mrs. L. Verbruggan, of Ilford; and Mr. and Mrs. Einhauser, of Manor Park; and of the first couple counsel said they -mot at a party, "that happy hunting-ground of courtship, where ho lost his heart and captured here." In tho witness-box Mr. Smith shyly confess! that he originally paid court to'the future Mrs. Smith because she made goo-goo eyes at him. Mrs. Smith admitted that if Mr. Smith said it was so then it must bo so.

" Does your wife say ' chestnuts' when you tell her tales she has heard before?" asked counsel.

Mr. Smith (firmly) : No. His hobby, he said, was gardening, and he declared that ho knew a variety of plants which counsel suggested to him, but which nobod v olso in court recognised. "Do you know the ich dicn?" said Mr. Grigsby, cunningly. "Ah, that I do," 6ald Mr. Smith, promptly. "It used to be called variega,ted carrots!" The usher having calmed tho hilarity, Mr. Grigsby turned to Mrs. Smith with this hypothetical situation : Supposing hubby wants to garden and you want to go for a walk ? He took off his pince-nez, and smiled distantly in a manner which plainly said ho rather fancied ho had got Mrs- Smith this time. Tho lady, however, was undismayed. "We go "after he has done gardening," she sweetly spondedCounsel collapsed in his seat and left tho field to counselle; she questioned the applicants severely as to " a place called Short's." She wanted to know if Mr. Smith went there to seo a football match, and ha said not exactly, no. If he hadn't enough money to go to Short's, he explained, he went to Dirty Dick's.

Tram Romance. And what do you do when he goes to these establishments ?" queried counselle of Mrs. Smith, who answered : "I go with him." (Uproar; usher eventually predominant.) Mr. and Mrs. Verbruggan literally fell into each other's arms, according to Mr. Quick. They collided while hurrying to catch a tramcar, and the judge observed that Ilford residents ought not to grumble about the tram rate when the system was responsible for such a romance. They produced a testimonial which stated that the dictionary in their house did not contain tho word "quarrel," and upon Mr. Grigsby very innocently asking Mrs. Verbruggan how she spelt it she as innocently said she didn't know. Mr. Einhausen stated that his recreation was playing the fiddle; he failed to subscribe to counsel's suggestion that Music has charms to soothe tho savage, To rend a rock and split a cabbage. "It all depends upon the instrument," ho pointed out. Despite Mr. Grigsby's impassioned exhortation to tho jury of spinsters and bachelors not to be gammoned by applications rasher than which he had never heard(" To believe that these couples have lived —er—without a 'chimozerle,'" he cried, "is a strain which the human imagination should not bo asked to undergo ")—the jury awarded a flitch each to the Smiths and the Yerbruggans.