ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LI, Issue 15646, 27 June 1914, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Okcb a genia] comedian consulted an oculist about his eyes. His nose was small &nd lie couldn't keep on the glasses with which the oculist was trying to fit him. " You are not used to glasses, Mr. Blank, eaid the oculist. "Ob, yes, I am," replied the comedian, " but not so high up."

"Dear Clara," wrote- the young man, »' pa-rJori mo, but Cm getting so lorgetiul. I propo&ed to you last night but really forget whether you said 'yes' or 'no.' "Dear Will," she replied by note, "so glad to bear from you. 1 know 1 said •yet to someone last night, but I had forgo!lan just who it was.'

" D d Brown have a good time on bis excursion!;" "On the contrary, ho expaner.cd one ol the greatest disappointments of hit life.' '\\ iiat wa& it*" "He wa« figged out, and then he started rjnning :o a bui.ding where he saw 'Bar' on * w,cdoff, and when he reached the spot he found ii was a barber's sign with one pi the pines knocked out.'

He had held forth {or 50 long ou the (wbj'-'i of liis adventures that the entire sin'-l."g'rot)ui was distinctly bored. Finally he readied India. "It was here that \ first saw a maneatinc tiger," he an-r.ojn>-«-J boastfully. "I'oou! that's noLhJig,' said a mild-looking little man, edg;in towards the door. ''1 out* &aw a man eating raboit.' And he sauntered gractfjily out.

Here's tart for you. "I was calling at a boi:."e in the avenue There was a Little, boy about seven years old, I should judge. He surod at mo a long time, then went and wh'spered to his mother. This was embarrassing, fo 1 giggled and said: "'lt's rude 10 whisper in company!' The kid looked puzzled for a moment. Then he' ftnewtred : ' It would 'a been a lot ruder to i wy it out loud.'" I

Jod-p : " What \t your occupation, my man ?" Prisoner : " 1 am a 'bus-driver, my lord ' Judge : " You mean you are a driver of horses attached thereto?" Prifcfrer: "You. sir." Judge: "You are marked with hitting this man on the face. Did you do it?" Prisoner: "Certainly nut!" Judge ; " What did you do, then?' Prisoner : " I hit him on tjie nasal organ attached thereto

"Clarence,'' said tho American heiress hesitatingly, " I think that you should be told at once how my father made his money. Our business men in this country have methods which to one of your pure tool, whose motto is ' Noblesse oblige, cannot but—" " Cease, Mamie, cease, 6aid the young lord reassuringly, tell mo no more. However he made his mllions I can forgive, for your sake. But—er— ha he still got them all right?"

The maiden lady of uncertain age became very indignant when the censustaker asked her age. " Did yon see the girls next door," she asked— '* the Hill twins?' "Certainly," replied the census man. " And did they tell you their age?" "Ye*." "Well," she snapped as she shut the door in his face, " I'm just as old as they are." "Oh, very well," said the census man to himself, and be wrote down in his book : " Jane Johnson— old as the Etlis.'

Two girls were sipping coffee and smok,iag cigarettes through long tubes of gold and amber. The first girl said pensively, 6vajing her pretty foot in and out of her slashed skirt ; " Do you believe, dear, that we Should work for our husbands?" "You bet I do!" the second girl answered. You just bet I do "I mean alter we're married," said the first girl. " Oh," said the other, "alter wo'ro married--certainly cot!"

An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young woman with a determined air. She addressed the first salesman 6he saw. "1 want to look at a. pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra magnifying power." "Yes, ma'am," replied the talesman; " something very strong ':" " Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful blunder which I never want to repeat.' "Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an' acquaintance?" " No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumble bee for a blackoerry."

A well-known suigeon was imparting tome clinical instruction to half-a-dozen students who accompanied him in. his rounds. Pausing at the bedside of a doabiiuj case, he said : " Now, gentlemen, do you think this is or is not a caeo for operation?" One by one the students roade their diagnosis,' and all of them ■:ziuf) to the conclusion that it was not. * Well, gentlemen, you are all wrong, eaid U*e fielder of the scalpel, "and I shall operate to-morrow." ".No, you won't!" exclaimed the patient, as Tie rose in bis bed. "Six to one is a good majority. Gimme my clothes."

Smith bad invited several of his friends »nd neighbours to tea the other night, and the conversation veered round to whist. "I have seen some remarkable whist hands," said one of the guests. "I remember not long ago I saw one man hold all thirteen trumps." "That's not very unusual," remarked another. "Not at all; but the curious part of it was that he only took one trick.' "How's that?" •' Why, he trumped bis partner's ace first time round, and His partner was so furious that be gal up and threw him out of the .window. 1 '

"I thill refuse to pay for attendance," said the irate tourist who had been staying at an old-fashioned country hotel, and who had just been presented with his bill. " Why, the bells in the rooms are a perfeet disgrace i not one of them would ring. Everything I wanted I had to fetch myself. I must have spent some hours tugging at those bell-pulls." "It's true we; have charged for attendance,'' said the smiliag proprietor, but gee, wo have charged you nothing for your physical cullure coarse." ■'Physical-culture course!" exclaimed the tourist, in surprise. "I don't know what you mean." '' The daily use of our dumb bells, ' was the cool retort.

v "So you've got an accident to report, have you?" said the head clerk to the foreman of the works. "Yes, sir," said the foreman ; then ha paused a while, gnawlag his pen reflectively, before handing over his report. The latter read as follows :—" Date : March 31. Name of accident :' Toe badly crushed. How caused : Accidental blow from a fellow workman's hammer. Remarks —." " li.i,'ht," 6aid the clerk. '' But why no 'Remarks?' ''Well, sir," refilled the foicman, slowly, "eeein' as 'ow you know what Bill ;s, and eeein' as 'ow you knew that it was 'is big too what was hurt, I—well, I didn't liks to put 'em down."

A new preacher had been called to one of tbe (hurclws. and while on his way to the service one Sabbath evening he met a young man whom he had seen on one or two previous occasions. "Isn't this Mr. Harkins? asked the. preacher, stopping the young man and extending his hand. '"I am the new preacher who ha? just come to town.'' " Yes. sir," replied the young man. returning the handshake, " I am Mr. Harkins." "I have seen you teveral times," pleasantly continued the pastor, "but until now 1 haven't had the pleasure ni making your acquaintance. I presume that you are ac-ufitomed to rlivino worsh'p every Sunuav evening." "Oh, yes, sir." was the smiling response of the youn? man. "I am on my way to see her now."

- Jack Podver was the most obliging man *- that ever lired. His sen-ices were given ■ r gratis to all applicants. He could mend '; a clock, repair a puncture, drown a ; kitten, paper a wall, and. in fact, perform V any operation known to mortal man. In fe consequence. Jack's service? were, in conp s'ant demand. A week or two ajro. after p: cobbling a neighbour's boots, sweepinc the %:, vicar's chimney, and writing a testimonial :,. for his charwoman's nephew, he retired ir'j To rest. Ho was awakened by a terrific g"-.-' bane at his front door, a"d immediately Pi TOibcd to th« window. " What's the matIgl. tei?" he bawled irritably. " You'll excuse !i& me for troubling you at this time of jp> Wght." cam* the reply. "bat the fact is, cjr baby is to very cross, and we wonld „ Ike yon to come and pacify, him. He . ■:- ataay* laughs when ho s«6 your funny ml