ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LI, Issue 15551, 7 March 1914, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

BP* (*V?bat's a diplomat'.'" " A diplomat is ; k man who remembers a woman's birthday Ifcut forgets her age." St'l suppose that your son is developft.. a pace"' "Yes; and a pace that is much too fast for onu of his years.' 1 Hit w»« Svdncy Smith who, on being told that » certain Dr. Vowell was dead, revolted: "l' rt us lie thankful it was neither % nor I " | Dorcas: "Vim say the hero was disappoint .» love':" Dorothy: "Yes. Re ijought th.it after his marriage his father in-law W< lld support him. g,|iv tiivii.: 'Don't you think man is jttfluoiv n! I"' hi.' environment?" Tommy White v> " t alw.i\>. I our knew a man ho drove ■« watering-cart for nine years jnd did f: a. lito alcoholism." '• Ho'« - i- 'hi-- tor gallantry? Ferdinand Btvcr adiliT''srs me without beginning, Fair mi.-s or something like that.' 1 •"Force of halm. hit dear. He acquired it when hi 'i-f'l i" be a tramcar conductor." 'The H'-at (a resident of the sea-girt isle): "I ttn't unite understand. What in civilisation. " The Castaway (from the U.S.A.): ' I i\ilisation, my benighted friend, is merely another name for work ing for a living.

When .lndge Dowse was practising at the Bar a Judge asked:—"For whom are you concerned in this case, Mr. Dowse?" "I am concerned, mv lord, for the plaintiff; bit I am engaged for the det'en dant," whs his reply.

The bishop was playing golf, and whenever Ik* foozled ho greatly exclaimed : "Assouan !" His companion was much interested, and said : " What docs that mean, bishop?" "That's the largest, dam that I <An think of now,'' said the bishop.

"Oh. father," said the young woman enthusiastically. "wo suffragettes arc eager t'"> sweep the country!" "Humph!" replied her parent, looking at her over bis spectacles. " Then suppose you start your share of it in our parlour and diningroom !"

Small Hr.v : "Please, doctor, will you tome and <**> father at once?" Doctor: "What is the matter with father?" Small Boy: "Hp can't stop laughing, sir." Doctor- "Whatever is he laughing at?" Small Boy •. " Mother's caught her tongue in the mangle."

A lady of recent widowhood encountered much difficulty in framing an inscription for her dear husband's tombstone After endless consultations with her friends and neighbours this was the one she seloci-ed :— 1 Rest in Peace —until we meet, again."

"Do moind yez don't git hunt, Pat," | said Bridget, as her liege lord started to ■work. It's so dangerous a-workin' in that quarry." "Tbot's aahl roight, Biddy," said Pat. "Oi've borryed foive shillings frim th' foreman, and he don't led me 3o any dangerous work anny more." Wife (pleadingly): "I'm afraid. George, you do not love me any moreanyway," not as as you used to!" Husband: "Why?" Wife: "Because you always let me get up to light the fire now." Husband : "Nonsense, my love! -Your getting up to light the fire makes me love Jou all the more "

The gentleman with the red, red nose got aboard the trolley car, which by some mischance, had stopped for a moment. The silence was intense. The little boy looked at the man with the nope. And the little boy didn't ask his father anything. " Merciful heaven muttered th© fond parent, "I am the father of a freak

Hp bad been around from church to church trying to find a congenial congregation, and finally ho stopped in a little church just as the eongrecatioin read with the minister : " We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, and we have done those tilings which we ought not to have done.'' The man dropped into « pew with a sigh of relief. " Thank goodnqsi," he said, " I've found my crowd at last.'

Patrick was visiting the office with a view to emigrating to a farm. " How many in the- family asked the clerk. " Three," said Pat. "The. old. woman, the kid, and meself." "Profession?" "I'm a driver." "Sex of child?" - "He's a boy—eight months old." "Profession?" Pat's eyes opened. "Of the boy?" he exclaimed. "lea," said the clerk unconsciously, attending to other documents. '"Bachelor," said Pat.,

, As the farmer's wife laid down the magazine that she had been reading and soulfully sighed, her husband glanled up from his newspaper. " What s the matter. Maria? asked the old mail. "'Have ye finished that story?" " Yes, Henry," answered Maria, " just this very minute." "I spoee/' said Henry, resuming his paper, "that it ended happy? 1 ' "Yes," answered .Maria. " The beautiful heroine got over a long spell of sickness, .'in', what's more, the story given the name an' the price of the medicine what cured her."

.' In the soft twilight of the sultry summer day, his mother came upon Young Hopeful standing in a brown study by the greenhouse door. His hands were clasped JioioH' him, his lips dejectedly parted. 'Why, what's the matter, lambs? asked mother, bending over him. " I'm finkin', ■Burner." "What about, little man?" " Have gooseberries any legs, muvver ?" "Why, no; of course not, dearie. - ' A deeper :hade fell athwart Young Hopeful's face as he i.lined his eves to hers " Then. muvver, I find I've swallowed a. caterpillar !"

The railway ticket-collector put his head in at the carriage door and addressed the jolly individual inside. "Ticket, please," lie said. The smiling one looked at him with alcoholic sadness. ''Got no ticket Don't- bother me." he said. settling down again. The collector at once produced his receipt book, and after consulting a table of fares exclaimed : "Five-and-six please." 'What's that?" queried the merry on". "Five-arid six. please." lepeated the collector. The other thought for a moment, and, looking up, said, "Eleven."

The school concert had begun. Four little girls were dressed to represent the "word " Star." and each had one letter of that word pinned on to her snowy white 3ress. Each letter began the verse of a touching little son;;. " Now," said the tocher. " form yourselves in position, and "wait iji.til the curtain goes up." The little girls Hid as they were told, and while the piano played the accompaniment the curt.tin went up. Instead of applause to jrre't the little girls, howls from tho awdienre met them. The word they spelled was "Rats."

A sweet young thing went into the village .seller's shop and asked to be shown the latest novels. After making her selection she hesitated for a moment. "Do you make any reduction to clergymen?" she inquired. "yes." replied the bookseller. promptly. "Are you a clergyman's wife?'' ''X o-o." she answered. "A clergyman's daughter, probably." said the man, as he tied up the package. "No," was the voting woman's hesitating answer: —and she leaned over the counter and spoke ;n a confidential whisper—"if nothing binders 1 shall be. engaged to a theological etndent as soon as he tomes back from college next term."

1. "Be observant. niv son." f-airl Willie's ||, father. "Cultivate tin; habit of seeing, |! and you will be a successful man." ' Yes," § "added his uncle. "Don't go thiough the g "worirt blimllv. Learn to we your eyes." |jf- 'Little hoys who are observing know a 1 great deal more than tlnwe who are not," I , his aunt put in. Willie look this advice to I? heart. Next fifty he informed his mother if#. til 8 * he had boen observing things. ||. . Uncle's gat, a bottle of whisky bidden $ In V lB trunk,'' he said; " Aunt Jane's got pi M extra set of teeth in her drawer, and Iff. father's got a pack of: cards behind the 111 ***!** in his desk. " The little sneak," Ifc ,esela>pied the member:; of tho family iodim tews* . '•" ' ' " •