ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume L, Issue 15269, 5 April 1913, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

».-' ''•■■'.:, ..' ■■■' - - ■ — t s>" .'■;!■'"'■''■«■ | : : 'fSoAicitY'"i{'l : w^ I' and wash the kids." SuJffragisfc "My 1 good many if X were voir- To. Begin on, |.;,"- tajwli first 1" I:' : First Traveller: liai ptliaV W teoua fellow strutting nhout so absurdly?;.'*■ p tlopwad Traveller; ' 4 He;iouod BOtive^^wi a In Ms railway sandwich."Hewitt; "Gruet haa lost all his {■*. snoney." Jewott: Y*'But I taught ho ■was a Napoleon of fiiianco,*' Hewitt; waa, but he meva WeUrngton.' 1 lady: " How much are these chickiensJ" Market Man: V Four shillings each." "Do you raise them yourself? i | "Oh, yes. They -were three shillings and j eilpence yetterday." ■■;';. Family Physician: .'■'." lam afraid yon hare been aating too much cake and aweetstuff. .Let me seo your tongue." i Little Girl: "Oh, you can look at it, bat it won't teU." * Nervous Lady Passenger (in the train, after passing a temporary bridge); "Taaßkgoodnesa, we are now on torra firmai" JFunny Man: " Yes, ma'am-— less terror and more .firmer." Wife: "John, what is-the difference t*twoen direct taxation and indiiroct taxation!" Husband: 1 Why. .the .differ•cn.ce between your asking mo :for money and going through my trousers while I'm asleep." Two Bohemians at a cafe: * r What happened to you, old chap? Did you get a situation?" "Oh, Tve left journalism and gone into trade. I'm now in the furniture business." "And have you said any? " "Yes. my, own." . < "Only a lock of golden hair," 1 the layet sighed. "Perchance to-night iit formeth on her pillow fair a halo brighti" .■.■<' Only j a lock of golden hair," the maiden, smuv I. ing sweetly, said, as she laid it over the 1 jb&ck of a chair and went to bed. fi "You must remember," said a teacher ||| to his clasa in ancient history, *'that f#; these events happened more 'than three 1 thousand years ago." etdaimed p ym idle boy, ■ 4 too true, too true! Bless I; me, hew the time does: slip away I" =?• |: Irate Taft>r; "2^ f Scrihb j this has gone: on long ■ enough. 1 demand a cheque tight now.'* Impot canious Author : Snip, old man, b*& my physician has ordered met to give C jap writing altogether for three months." "Mr. Brown's complimenta to Mr. *f. Smith, and thinks it quite> tumecessary that his pigga should go through hia I Beply f : ~m£Smith's compliawnts to < Mtv Brown, and thinks itSi::: ■„ equallyunnecessary to spell 'pigs' with pro *gV f ': r t •;:■;■, ■::]■,■■-■ _, He puinhased his sweetheart a pan* of ,i ffn-hutton kid gloves, and handed thenv fe';':|i m at the door JBervant-girl m • took them and, going to the foot of the | ! tteixs, bawled wtt miss, 'ore's • young man ess brought you a pair of I ■ ■■. "Now, Bobert v v*lttt-:doi;i'soii^aitend''-:'tb I\ =*, v#' when,. yo»':;;-beei^>i»J.',iinaiii!!''; asked % :'-,•' l&xnii Ellon, lookihg apprxrringly at her' | stmall nephew.:,. w l'nt ;; gping.to ;be a (-, replied the stnafi promptly, f . I« fight whenever I wipnt t ]fco without being epanked for it." | ■-"■- ■*- ' mosmiug,; Mrs.'.; Mc<!Jarfey," ■' said ! i : .-. ■■:• %; ' 'naarketJ- ;,^'^HowV v I, ■' *B&uttr, ., <?X&Ss W :all doin'V welE^/ire.'.j j, jpHed Mrs. MbCarty, | •■ - ;:.r-3a^;b<Bea : .eh^^ ■ toime, but this momin v he complained of: * . r , • ";■,;;: , % was walk- : ' %cg in the Johannesburg 200 not so very iago^■'•^■■■iii^i-,«hevnot4^/-::« , Birds--nesting', is rt Hoir are in jlfriea.:" iie,said:to his ■K;■:■/- evm;'tho. ; hiirds':arß/;Yhot-. udlowed to make tlieie h«ts pub« lie 200 and gardens." V , .•-."' itde«»Bt^:^sighed: ! tt,;|ifbung. ■ man,Imaelini* *fe the of his dearest own, w of; iaill things is n«areßt ;^xay^s;h»aTtt.'^-: ':.f''fi say," she- sweetly replied^!"hut in this cold Weather I should tfiinlt it was, a .i&ftnel shirtv" She was .too practicaJ, suad it broke the engagemetitJ .»-'•; **yott may cackle as much sbyou please <;&%*mV\paf--}fy ::: M&)9to&] our rcisuorces; but you must, withal, admit w* are milos Itehind in regard to aerial machines. |;.... :^;Jljß««ic%^Kran»^' : all before tw» ,fn the; ; tbef should be/, ■ waa;:th9^i«b6^;:-^ i yPve : rxaver known England■ :ffy : hefcire a foreijm ' Poweryetl: Whatf , ; ; ' ;. ■ Mr-i'Pett Ridge relates a conversation •;■;.■"-l«Bt*ii&i an old & '.<■»» On* dagr the driver, evidently sick f' ) and tired of his Mie, said his wished h© '§-[ • Twere' in fj~ ■■■- that/* ;; said: th» but I >i?ish 1 It -™«* : M ia puhlic^ouse;*'i" :■'That's just If jbkw ;youy' repU^ •wishing the best of overytliing. , j ' •„ |f. He/d been /walfcang>,with: his..;host's W elder daughter, and was' in a corner !p repairing damages.; Here he was espied 1 ihv his, wotdd-ibe papa>in-law. 4l Sbe is |; ihe flower }i>f .,-. ray family,: siir," said i the I fathfir. "Uo it seems," ajoswered ■; the young man. '"-Pity-slie::Coinie4r;offt'so,;'.'iim't t it?'* he continued,: "as he another f: :i - vigoirous ruh at th*tiwhitei on his |; ; ; • ccat sleeve.^':.'" v:'' ■ : ',t : -''- :, -^. : . : ' ;:■'t' =1 An Irishman and an Englishman once U joined their funds to buy ». dog, and the Englishman was very inaignattt some time after to find that Pat had sold the dog and spent all the money. "You know," said Pat. "I also paid half the cost i and so I owned half the dog. I only called my naif to sell, and surely it wai!n!tmy fault that your half followed and couldn't be got back by any means." A young wife recently went into a grocers shop and addressed the grocer thus;— r I. bought three or four hams here ,':;,•'". « month or bo ago, and they were fine. 'MWslsls^ r 0&:-:-iBxiii*.& them?" "Yes, 1 , w»'aia?*?rephed-2&e grocer. "There" are teh'of those hams hanging up there now." ?'WsJif\ if you're sure they're off the same pijg -'i'll take three of them,'' replied ithe yotaog wife, meekly. I Railway Guard; ''The doctor eays I'm gO;ttin|f;| sir./ 1 ' Suerintendent: "i'm;|»orry to hear'that. What causes itf""Why, «ir,> under the rules, I've got to? take my meals while on duty in W the teain, ■ and the doctor jsays eatin • so P last will kill me." "I see. You have V; to ewatbw your meals at the rate of forty W miles &n hour. Well, I'll order the driver || to reduce the speed at meal times." On New Year's Eve in a Yorkshire town I:-' two men wero carried hospital— P victims of an explosion. One :had had the i P misfortune.-to have.'his'.'nasal'organ blown/ off; the other had lost one of his ears, j The two were placed; in jidjacent beds, Wi end in the morning the one minus his ' I note shouted to his; neighbour t— a Happy ? : New Year to thee, mate !" " Happy new :|> nose to thee, and mind tW own business," it: growled the other. ; m Tramp (recognising friencl): "Is that |, yeraelf, Tooley? An' whali are ye dom &%■■'. %n that hole?" Friend : "Don't say a Sf? •fforrud. 'Tis a foine job I have. The fK.'- feller what runs the hotel jußt below here E ' pays me fifteen, shillings a week to live Je£<-: here, an' he calls me 'The Hermit of 1 ■ Fill.' The people, come .up ¥:■■:■■ «ere be tJie dozen to luk at me, an its t : * «ood cigarrs I'm' whole day t-t, -fcogl" . ..."'-;• ]i4So?Mzis'i A candidato-for Parliament at.aiv alec- > . t?on, instead of giving the old adage, ••Truth is mighty and will provaal,. ; jn Ip: English, resorted to liatain, • andvea^: ** SJagno est Veritas et prevalehit. ■ His opponent got the laugh of bun by saying ;-Veritaa r < (»nd ■ otbcr foraigners, on whom the gentleman depended lor success, might "prevail a , - it axmld bo a mighty small bit, as-the. ■ b i*»ai,wfLuld .snow* Which, ihey ■.'-.. IBSfIRSv -}■-'■'.. : '\ >."-■ '■ ,' J''.:;' '•."':■«■'. '.• ■> : .*V."' ■''. '■'' '•' ' ~i I■ . . :-i ■-: :■.-,;■. /■ ■ ■ ■. - ■ ' ■.- : . .'.',■. ■ .iv,, .......