ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume L, Issue 15234, 22 February 1913, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

p-S'v- 0 —' ("I'M afraid your wife will lose her "-**- i„;ce." " I wish I could share your HI fears, doctor." Musician (to his bride, who kisses him ! - in*the dark on. the point of the nose): : tf An octave lower, my darling.'-" ••'■■• Cashleigh: "You wouldn't marry Miss 'fr Rosy for her money., would you, "Upson?" : i: Upson Downes : " Bow else can I get it?" "If ve plazc," said the raw recruit, •V- I've got a- splinter in my hand."* Ser&i jeant: "Wot yer been doing? Stroking yer 'cad:" £•'"'. Wise: "Tins is certainly a good cigar •'■•■ vou've given me, old chap." Guy : "Great ~ 'Turnbo! i tot l'vo gone and given you «;" the wrong one." Mr. Hen peck: "Are you the man who & cave my wife a lot °* impudence?" Mr. i"- Scraper: "I am." Mr. Henpeck : "Shake ! m you're a hero!" ' • "Mrs. Decern always speaks of her '•'"■ husband as the 'dear doctor.'" "Yes. I'' That's the kind of doctor he is, judging - from his charges." &{■ Hadsura: "What side do you generally ■•.'-take when your wife gets into an a.rgu- - nient with somebody else?" Wiseacre: ■\' "Outside. It's safer." lit'-- " Pawkins is better dressed than any ■I'i man in the club." '* Yaas; ho deserves '&■ •■ Teat credit for his taste in dress." "Well, U ho gets it from his tailor." '" "Do you really mean that you like ' : -P- Blinks's'last book?" "Yes; I enjoyed it '--v more than anv of the others." "How ■■ could you?" ""I didn't read it." "Poor old Henpeck leads a dog's life -"■'" with his wife." "Well, why on earth 'doesn't he apply for a divorce?" "He •,''. fjvvs he wanted to. but she wouldn't let Sim." ~;" "Would you die for me?" she asked, ;; ■ sentimentally. " Now, look here," he re- ; , 'turned, in Ids matter-of-fact way, " are we ■S supposed to be planning a cheap novel or 'Ina wedding?" J', ■ GoodfelloW: " I'm sorry to say my wife '• Wan aggravating habit of interrupting ■ : ':fejne"in the "middle of a sentence." Bums: ■ ',: ■ "Humph! You are fortunate to bo able l " r to get so far." • Vv She (relenting): "And you will admit ,-•' * you were wrong?" He (a young lawyer): ••'No, but I'll admit that an unintentional v 4 error'might have unknowingly crept into .; v my assertion." • >•'•• Jones: "Do yon believe there is safety "■'"''""in numbers?" * Skorcher: "I'm certain. "Whenever I'm exceeding the speed limit, I hang some other chap's number on the , back of my motor." ki;? Tillage Grocer: " What • are you ran.'ning for, sonnv?" Boy: "I'm tryin' to '-•:-;% keep two fellers from fightro'." Village rj-- Grocer: "Who are the fellows!" Boy: "Bill Perkins and me!" Patient: "But, doctor, you are not ask- ?■■% ing a sovereign for merely taking a cinder '•' out of my eye?" Specialist: "Er—no. My charge is for removing a foreign subi'i. stance from the cornea." '■":.■ A mathematician, being asked by a f, •' wag, "If a pig weighs two hundred • ; pounds, how much will a great boar (bore) ' weigh?" he replied: "Jump into the : scales, and I will tell you immediately." 'M . ,'\. New Maid: "Please, ma'am, when I Turing the dinner in should I say ' Din- ," der's ready,' or 4 Dinner's served?' " Mis''tress: "Well, if it's like it was yester- ■ day, you'd better say ' Dinner is spoilt.' " u r ' A Scotch weekly paper is credited with ; the following:—"Autumn .Fashions: The . ■ Welder bridesmaids wore drasses of amethyst j . ' silk taffeta and black picture _ hats to ; match, and wore breeches the gift of the K M\i Lridegrooin." -'"■ .*.' "How is it that you are a'lways-in debt? You should be aihamed of yourself." ■• "Come, don't be too hard on a fellow. - Yon would be in debt if you were in my ■ place." "What place?" "Abie to get .. ' credit." -' Mrs. Strong: "Yes, we passed a resolu- ; tion to-night, Charles, pledging ourselves to help to ameliorate the crying evils of today." Mr. Strong: "Then, for goodI •'v'ness sake, Clara, go upstairs to the '". twins!'' • Ella: "To think that, it is two years f- since we met, and you knew me at once. ■Then I haven't changed much, after all?" & Bella: "Oh! I knew you by your bonnet. t Who would have thought there was so much vear in it?" "Yes," he said. "I love the sublime &:Vand beautiful. "Oh! Mr. Bumbleton," '.. . die replied, through her blushes, " I had '"- : " no idea when we started that you wished r, i to get me out here for the purpose of makjV ;-;■ _ ing a confession." Wtl Wife: " I suppose there will be a crowd : &i; at our silver wedding nest week, and it ■'.., might, not be a bad idea to have a police- ■"- * man in th© house." Husband; " No, my I dear. It would never do to have a cop- ,■■';.. per at a silver wedding." , f: Newitt: "They say _ that the person *-' with a strong imagination has absolutely ,v no head for figures"" Marryat: "Don't |H you believe it. When my wife gets her W;? imagination at work upon her age she jY can make arithmetic look silly." m. Excited Boy : " Come on, quick! The If: odd man is bat in' the ould woman again." £/ Policeman: 'Why don't she come herself, !& if she wants to make a complaint, or have ;;.- him arrested?" " She's too busy. She's ;], got him down ar dis bumpin' his head on '•"•• the fliire." Father: "Come, my son, I cannot allow ;,,'• you to stay out so late at night. When I %.~.y was your age, my father had me in every PS night at seven o'clock." Boy: "Very >v.. : queer father you must have had, then." j.. 'Father: "A idly sight better father than ;■•' ; you've got. you young rascal." I: 4 De Garry : "As. you intend to marry her, why did you consent to her riding a :; ; hicvcle. when" vou are so opposed to !'-' them':" Merritt*: "Well, .' knew she fx '-"would have her wav in the end, and I |" : - : :. calculated that by giving in now her Mi lather would have to pay for tin* bicycle." !. Pat: "Waiter. I car't drink thi;: P roup." The waiter brought a fresh plate&C--; ful. "I can't drink this, either," said Wr;- Pat, so the waiter summoned the chef, •„" who asked ".vhat was the matter with the ;•.,; . soup. " 'i'Ker-.> it uothJr'g the matter with ■*&; . it," was the answer, "but I have no V'./- ' spoon." .'... Two men who were dining at a table '0 d'hote ordered a bottle of Burgundy, a'U which was brought in a wicker basket. 3 "Why is this wine served in a c-adle, i-iip'-'do you know?" said one of the diners. •c,l\ The' other took a sip of the Burgundy, ::., '■'■■{ '.■ Fhvddere'l slightly, and answered, " Be- ™ '' ' wise it ir so you-"!' "'When do-.-. .-...ng take. } ...<K|uired a 'jtati •«.-. jokingly. ' V-.iv. l^r, you don't thiriK—" :■' "hlt'J.hpd una ',i i hesitated. "*' ' "i...5. wl-- younrr •'■ kl<*s buy • '.- i cd sh.ts of -■* .--.-■•'. "i/- ~ only *»•*».'■ e.n\i>V,x,. ,; }< . ■"-' .litre mm is al.vav soi:i<?thi"if '*Mn<. '■'■" , ['/■ -V iv -tor sr,-.'!!<i;"f : - . arc- -i : ' fome.v't,"t m dull -.--Li, . ' his f.. . -.'..- u-ei -d the fo?_II : lowing men 1 e iron three fellow-prac'ii-J- ..' tinners :'" >' ; -,s step over to the club and >: join »s a.-, - rubber of bridge." "Jt.fi''. ,-' dear," he .-.i to his wi.'< "I am called ',': ' away attain. It appeals ' or a difficvi; \ case—there are three oth.ri doctors on the • | . ; .'.. already." '" «,.., mm ' ';lrra: " Whv d r eop!e 'i'-i.-.t- th-» length l r the honevrhoon to cr.e ■! onth? Its I'lpfefth '■ depends wholly en 'he parties. imak ?tfil, I don't know how any no would tell ?'l','i«°.i when it did rea?!.v 'end." Uncle f|Mlpafrley: "Well, Millie', the honeymoon [\ % = \' ?'"^ p r ends when the husband rnVi watch fflK«e .-.tv -..'N ; trying her that he is '<0 ; big brute.'•