ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLIX, Issue 15175, 14 December 1912, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"What yon want in business, my eon, is 'push 1' - • Yes j I got it this morning, dad." "Why do you put tho hair of another woman on your head?" ho asked, severely. " Why tic you," she replied, sweetly, "put tho skin of another calf on your feet?" " Your tickets were complimentary, were they not?" "We 11,." replied the man who had yccn a painfully amateur entertainment, "I thought they were until I saw the chow."

"Do you understand me now?" thundered nil angry schoolmaster to an urchin at. whoso head he threw an inkstand. " I've £.>t an inkling of what you mean," replied the boy-

"Yes, my memory is getting very bad. By this time to-morrow I shall have forgotten every tiling I have don© to-day." •' ji'm ! Could you oblige me with the Joan of a fiver, old chap?"

"Harold, when we aro married, you must stay at home whilst I sing and play to you, instead of going to your club. " Yes, darling. You know I never eared much for pleasure, anyway."

First Duke: "Well, do you think Miss Van Bullion intends to buy you?" Second Duke : " dear boy, I .don't. know; sometimes 1 think she does, at other times I fear she is v merely shopping."

Father (impressively): " Suppose I should bo taken away suddenly, what would become of you, my boy?" Irreverent Son : " I'd stay here. The question is, What would become of you?"

"A ferret finds 12 cars of corn in a

basket, and carries off threa ears every night; how long will it take to empty tho basket?" "Twelve nights. Ho carries off one ear of corn and his own two ears."

Doctor (to small boy, aged four) : " Pat your tongue out., please." The juvenile protruded the tip of his tongue. " No, no; put it right out." "I can't,> doctor," was the distressed reply; it's listened on to me."

The lecturer arose and said impressively : " Every time I see a young man coming • cut of a saloon I want to go right up to that young man and say, ' Turn, right around, young man; you're going" the vrxong way.'

. Farmer (on one aide of the hedge to boy on; tho other side) : "Now, then, my lad, didn't I tell you not to let me catch you here again." Boy (preparing to run) : "All ; right, don't mako a fuss. You ain't ' , caught me yet!"

The manager of a large lace factory in $ ' Nottingham said to one of the foremen : cj V' ( "That new man of yours seems to be a hard •worker." " Yes," answered tlio fore- >. J man, "that's his speciality."' "What working?" " No, seeming to."

[£-■; "f The office boy had been discovered in a lie. It was not. one of the ordinary pre- . varications of our everv-day world, but ' '■ 'quite a serious and deliberately mendacious effort. "Do you know, my lad," asked a p grimly clerk, in kind tones, " what becomes . . of boys who trifle with the truth?" " Av," was the confident reply, " the boss sends ," ■ them out travelling when they grow up."

/ 1 Brown: "Young Smart, of the Grand Hotel, has- got the Laugh turned against "him in his little joke against the Blazes Fire Insurance Company." Robinson : p - u How!" Brown: "He insured five hundred cigars, smoked them, and then sent " (i i ' l V ;' in a" claim on the ground that they were destroyed by fire." Robinson: "And • they laughed at him, I, suppose?" Brown : "No; they had him arrested on a charge , , " of setting fire to his own property !" %

Once, in travelling, Dr. Bledso was exceedingly annoyed by a. pedantic bore who f ' forced himself upon his) and made a" great of ' bis learning. The doctor core I V §1$ Movie. a%he could, 'and at length, look- ' "" 'hiril- gnrvclr. laid : "My friend?. \jou ai d. I know; nil that is to be known." y How .. is that':" .said the man. pleased ''5W,r/.with what 1::; thought a complimentary 'If' association. V Why." said the doctor, »'*v p}-" you know everything except that yon are fool, and I know that." .

C*« ' A small hoy was seated in the parlour ,I / with his sifter's young man. Being of an ;V|f; {"quiring turn' of mind, he aslwd .Mr. Gay(Mi; -M'th. "Do you weigh very much?" iJllllltfiAboat: 1501b, my littfe man," the hopeful fjfX"" lover ■ responded. "Do you think sister • I I, would lift yon ?" the boy continued. "Oh, > t K9odncE», no," said the young man, blushing at the mere thought, "but why do you ||| jij4c?" ■ "I don't believe' she can, either ; I'~"" - hut I heard her tell ma this morning that J *6 was going to throw you over as soon \ ,ay she could." ' '