ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLIX, Issue 15056, 27 July 1912, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

v«Tta*s he teow lus own idlings?" « KgW to. His wife keeps the tat.' Tie "Doctor : " Your wife *»?* yoaWk . 'Sfnr Sip." The Patient: "Well; *_& J*- chance I get » - Congratulations, old man. I hear you . .^t speculating successfully;. Sft, I S moW" " Well, you ought to know better than to gamble. New Boarder : " How's the faro here?" *ij nunfar* "Well, wo have chicken SySffii.- No.'Boarder :; : That'i gyrate. How » served! Old Boarder : " In the shell < A dealer was explaining to a prospective voroan purchaser the propelling mechanism fTbicvele, "I understand that perfectly," "she said at last. " Now what makes the front wheel go round "A young woman has been charged with -imlodjDff sun-powder." "Well, what of ,V P Mo?t° powder is of the. exploding variety, or it would be of little use. "But if she was charged with it did the magistrate let her off V

Her Ladyship : "Have yon given Fido his soup?" Buttons : "Yes, inn. And g omelette?" "Yes, 'urn." "And his cutlet "Yes, 'um.' Her Ladyship: "Then you may have soma bread and cheese and go to bed."

A little girl was playing at the table with her cup of wate.\ Her father took the cup from her and in so doing accidentally spilt some of the water on her. "There," she cried, as she left the table indignantly, "you wet m«» clear to my .feelings!"

"Why should I be placed under tho ]*sh like this because my name is fairly ■well known ?" asked a prominent man who was undergoing a stiff cross -examination. "Because," retorted tho counsel, " a man who is in the public cyo must always be under tho lash."

A man calling on his butcher to-order something for dinner was asked if ho would like to have a saddle of mutton. "Why," said he t " would it not be better to have a bridle, as I should then certainly stand a bettor chance of getting a bit in my month?"

Bessie : " It- is a secret that will amaze yon." Jessie : " Yes; we will bo surprised that we hadn't heard it. before." That old financier's last words were characteristic of him." Bessie: "What wore they?" Jessie: "He died at the age of 80, and said he bated to go at so far below par."

A popular clergyman recently delivered a' lecture to his parishioners assembled upon the interesting subject of "Fools." There was a large audience, and the rush for. seats was very much augmented by the form in which the admission tickets were printed. The inscription ran thus : " Lecture on ' Fools.' Admit one."

A cyclist was riding through a town at a rapid "rate, when he was stopped by a policeman, who asked for his nam© and address. The cyclist presented his card and rode on. The vigilant policeman chuckled at the thought of the catch he had made, but his dismay may be imagined when on looking at the card, he read : "U. R. Requested, 2, Mind Your Own Business."

A tramp slowly extracted a match from his pocket and placed the tip of it against th« iron tire of a dog-cart which was standing beside the kerbstone. Then he waited. 1 "My man" asked the driver of the dog-cart, " what are yon waiting for?" " I'm waiting till you move on," replied the tramp, calmly, "so as to strike this match and give mo a light."

Robert was about to have another birthday. In the past the fun-making . had always been so hard and prolonged that it left him fatigued at night. So this year, before he went to bed the night before, when ho had said his prayers he began over again. His mother, surprised, asked him: " "Why are you saying your prayers twice, Bobext?" "Oh, replied Robert, " to-morrow night I'll bj too tired to say 'era at all."

A new and delightful Whistler story, told in a book on Americans in Paris, concerns a very dirty newsboy who tried one day to sell a paper to the painter. " How old are yon '!" said Whistler. " Seven, sir," said the grimy urchin. " Oh, you must bo more than that," said Whistler. " No, sir, I ain't," said the boy. 7£'heu, turning to a friend, Whistler remarked : "I dont think he could get as dirty as that in seven years, do you?"

A professor rebuked the hidebound grammarian at a dinner with a story. " A lady," he said, "had a rather dissipated husband, and one evening she said to a friend: 'I wish I knew where George was!' The friend. of professor's wife said primly : ' I presume, dear, you mean you wish you knew where he is!' * No, I don't,' said the lady. ' I know where he is. He 13 upstairs in bed with bloodshot eyes and a terrific headache. I want to know where he was!'"

Sir John Bandies tells a story of a barrister who was a candidate in a Parliamentary election. Calling on a woman to solicit her husband's vote, he was gratified to hear that the elector certainly intended voting for him. " Yer see," explained the good ladv, "it was you who got him off for stealing a gun.!" "Ah!" you mean the alleged stealing." "Alleged stealing be hanged!" retorted the man's wife. " The gun's upstairs."

A certain lady, when writing to a popular dean, was anxious to let him see that she was in the habit of corresponding with persons of high degree. She accordingly began her letter, Dear Duchess," then draw her pen through the " duchess" and substituted " dean,' The dean, a hater of snobbery, but possessing a keen sense of humour, replied in a brief note beginning, " Dear queen," but with " queen" scratched out and his correspondent's own name put in.

Tho quark doctor took his usual stand in tho public market place, and, after giving a lengthy lecture on the benefits of his famous cure-all, he vainly tried to effect a sale. No one seeming to need his cure-all, he decided to sell something cheaper. " Will you buy a box of cough lozenges," ha &aid, addressing one of the bystanders. " I haven't got a cough," replied the bystander. " Then buy a bottle of soothing syrup for the baby?" "But I haven't any children," said the bystander. "Well, come round to the back of my stall and fight rne, an' then buy some bloomin' stuff for black eyes 1" said the quack, losing his temper.

An old country couple spending a day in London to "see tile sights" suddenly came across a long line of people on the pavement waiting for admission to one of the newest theatres. The old lady stepped up to the policeman who was controlling the crowd and asked him what it meant. The constable, who was a bit of a wag, and seeing his chance, whispered : " These are the unemployed.' " Well, I never," declared the astonished old lady, a moment later, to her spouse. " On'y to think that these bo the unemployed that ve'vo bin a-readuV about i' the papers, wi all their foine things on. And they doan't look a bit half-starved either, do 'em Willam?"

A -weary angler stole furtively into a fishmonger's shop and with a sigh threw his empty creel on the counter. " Put a few fish in that," he said. " Put 'em up as if they had been caught to-day." "Certainly, sir. How. many?" "H'ra. Better make it three or four trout. It's best not to take home too many. People get so confoundedly incredulous." '•'Quito so, sir," agreed the fishmonger. " But— wouldn't you rather have- salmon?" "Salmon? Why salmon?" "Well, sir— —your wife called this evening, and I way' to try and make you take homo salmon because she likes" it better than, any ether fish."-