ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLIX, Issue 14972, 20 April 1912, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

- , . —.— —■ 9 jjapE ; "Has your n.-ifo made her will peck ' " No, she's merely developed it. ■ *<4* «Do vou think vour mistress -will be at -; . home tliia evening 7 " " She's got to be- ;; it's my .night out! 'i ( p ' Judge : "I see villain in your face." "VwPrisoner : " May it pleas© vour Honor, that is » personal reflection." ' "Does vonr husband ever lose his tern--but'!" -fCot any more. Ho lost it penmantntly about two' years after our marriage. "Did that voung man kiss you last v' r night'" •'Mother, do you suppose that • V be carao all the way up here just to hear / me sing?" ' Wife: '"The doctor lias advised me to «> south for a month's Teat. The question . no is. where Husband: "Go to another doctor." i " When 1 was a, tiny boy with ringlets, * »aid the man with little# hair, "they used to call mo Archie." " I suppose now they call you Archibald." "Saw two famous bad men come together during mv trip West." Both , - tilled "Nobody killed. You can't talk d man to death." . You are working men— " Hooray "And because you are working men * Hooray!" "You must work." "Put him out ! Tut hint out "JBixby should be arrested for cruelty to mechanism." "Eh! What did ho do? ' 41 Hid a dictograph in that meeting-place of an afternoon bridge club." * I just saw vour wife in your neigh' tour's auto. Wliv don't you take her out m yours?" "Oh, we've just made our wills in favour of each other." "You must not talk ail th* time, Ethel." said the mother who had been interrupted. "When will I be old enough to, mamma ?" asked tho little girl. Tho Father: " I told you not to go on Che stage." The Son: "But my ambition egged me on." The Father: "Yes And the audience egged you off ■" . The Passer-by: "You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve a Carnegie medal. What" prompted you to doit.? Tho Hero : "He haa-my skates on 1". . '. • "Mamma, our governess can -see in th» dark." "How do you 'know that?" "Last night out in the hall ' I heard he* tell Uncle Jack that he hadn't had a shave." ■ •« Bobby : " This sailor must have been a bib of an acrobat." Mamma: "Why, dear?" Bobby : •'Because tho book says, " Having lit his pipe, ho sat dowa on bis xhest.'' ".. ' ." ". ' , . The Judge : " The evidence shows, Mr. Mulcahy, that you threw a brick at Policeman Bafferty." Mr. Mulcaliv : "Itshows more than that, your Lordship. It shows that I hit him." Hostess (pairing off ; the guests): " Mr. .Parvenu, you will please take Miss Gumweal " out to dinner " Parvenu: Eh! ■Why I thought you were havin' the dinner here in tho house." '. ' "Which of these clocks is right?" "I don't know. We've five clocks. When .wo want to know the time we add 'em together and divide by five, and even then We're not certain." Rev. Silvester Home once heard a Tory member of Parliament say in praise of bishops: " Bishops are not really stiff and starchy. There's a. good heart' beating , ' . , "below their gaiters," y f -r -• ~ v . •. ... v 'V... Mr. Flubdub : "You women are mighty •low. During the time it took you to select that hat I went out and nude two hundred dollars." Mrs. Flubdub: "I'm . bo glad, dear. You'll need it I" , Scribbler : "It -book me, nearly,' ten years to learn that I couldn't write poetry." Friend: "Gave it up then, did you Scribbler " Oh, no. By that time I had a reputation." Witness: " He's a dirty, mean little wretch, your Honour , a low—" Magistrate (sternly) : " Silence !" Witness : •"Well," your Honor, it's the truth." Magistrate: "It doesn't matter. We want nono of it here." • Magistrate: "What is the charge against this old man'/" Officer: "Stealing some brimstone, your .Honor. He was caught in the act." Magistrate (to prisoner)) : * "My aged friend, couldn't you have waited "a few years longer?" 41 I let my house furnished, and they've bad measles there. Of course, we've had the* : place disinfected, *o I suppose it's quite safe. What do you think?" " I fancy it would be all right, dear; but I ♦JVinb-j perhaps, it would be safer to lend it to a friend first." - .. " Your Honor," said - the . arrested ] " chauffeur, "I tried to warn the man, but .the-horn would not work." ."Then why did you not slacken speed rather than run Km down?" A light seemed to dawn upon the prisoner. " That's one on me. I never thought of that," "Mabel, you're wasting your time with Chat young "Mr. Poonkley. I don't . think be has any idea of becoming' serious.'' "Oh, mother, you're mistaken. Ho told me last night that his hat was in the ring. All" I've got to do now is show him that somebody else wants me." When an Irish County Court was about to ■ open Ho session recently, tho discovery _ was mad© that its court cricr was absent ■ , A substitute was provided, and the court - hid hardly '.taken up a. case when a breathless messenger-boy- dashed in with a telegram from the absent official. The missive was handed to the judge, who read :— • " Wife's mother died last night. .Will not be able to cry to-day." His companions bent over him with pitiful earnestness, and stared beseechingly into his waxen features. Again came the flutter of the eyelids, but this iirae bis will mastered approaching death. ' His lips struggled weakly to execute his commands, and his friends bent closer to -hear the faltering whisper. "I amgone? Yes—— know. Go to Milly. Tell her —or —l died with—her name onmy lips; that. I—have loved—her—her alone always. And Bessie—tell——tell Bessie the same thing." A certain prominent lawyer of Toronto is in the habit of lecturing his office staff from the junior partner down, and Tommy, the office-boy, comes in for his full share of the admonition. That his words were appreciated was made evident to the ■ lawyer by a conversation between - Tommy and another office-boy on the Fame floor which he recently overX beard. "Wotcher wages?" asked the other boy. "Ten thousand a year," replied Tommy. "Aw, g'wn!" "Sure,", , insisted. Tommy, unabashed. " Four doli ' lars a week in cash and de rest in legal ■ advice." if, An American and a Scotsman were walking one day near the foot of a mountain in the Highlands. The Scot, wishing to impress the visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud native, turning to the Yankee,, exclaimed, "There, mail, jp canna show anything like that in your :v country." "Oh, I don't know," said • the American, "I guess we can better ; that. Why, in my camp in the Rockies, • when I go to bed, I just lean out of my window and call out, 'Time to get up"; • '^wake up!' and eig u K afterward* lis® echo comes back ai.-l ■*». *',no. . :», »' , /• . s . 1 . -' -3,:!,:^