ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLVIII, Issue 14853, 2 December 1911, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

. n - ■!*,- — " RwSr has a hew attachment on hrt airship." f;'o»* for?" "'For debt. "i'it'brueh the cobwebs from my brain." "Then you ought- to .'get a vacuum cleaner." .' v ' ,1;.... Y-L'-Mr. Clarence: "Sister in, Georgie?'' Qeotgie : " She's either in or indisposed, I forget which." "I don't see why he wants to marry her. he has only known her ,a_..week.". "That's the answer." :>. \£ .. ; .> Jones: "Do you think the "horse will' survive the automobile." Brown: "Not if it gets in its way." "I should think you'd be afraid to let your boys run your automobile?'' "Oh, lit-; 1 have it insured." She. : " Oh. professor '. I saw such a funny old fossil in the museum to-day. 1 thought of you at once." The dove-returned to the ark. "We shall have peace-." it cried: "there is no land "to fight about and nobody to fight." " Does your husband ever lose his temper:" "Not any more. He lost it permanently about two yearn alter our marljage." -■■ ■ ■;: - ■

Marks: "So your Italian barber re- jfused to "shave you? Why was that?" Parks : "1 told him I'd just had a Tinkish bath." Howell: Edison cays that we sleep ; too much." Powell : ' Well, it isn't his fault; he has invented enough things to ; keep us awake." " "Ma's lust crazy to serve on a jury." " That so!" "Yes; she fays she want'. I to be.one of the first to tell the secrets i of the jury room." " Was your daughter's musical educa- j tion a profitable venture?" "Yon bet! 1 boticlit the houses on either side of us j at half their value." A little boy who had often heard his father talk about the Civil War finally asked : "Father, did any one help you put down the Rebellion?" Marks: "Speaking of aviators, who j is it holds the endurance record?" Parks : I "Elijah, I guess. He'certainly holds | the record for staying up." i Householder: Here, -drop that coat, i and" clear out!" Burglar: "You be j quiet, or I'll wake your wife and prive • her this letter I found in your pocket." " Why do you wear that costume? It looks like half-mourning." " Well, every j evening when you l come home from the j office yon complain of being half dead." Mother : " Tommy always eats more i pie when wo have friends at dinner." Visitor: " Why is that. Tommy?" Tommy : "."Cos we don't have no pie no ~ other time." '".-*"' $: % : ■.'■ ' '■:'..' ''*&'"''•?'•'■?, ,y""~- r ', ; ' :?* Wife :*'!'• I tee you're putting on your j ngjfc coSt. ;*lt makes . u>y .old bat "look 1 aw shabby." ' Husband i "Is that | so? Well, that's soon mended. I'll put ] on my old coat." "When I visit the Grand Canon of the r '-Yellowstone I : roalifte the insignificance of .man. Ever been there?" "Never. Too .._£W.get the same sensation by going to a , suffragette meeting." u«. .. ;,,..,,...! , "I wouldn't marry you if you were tho only man in the world." " Well, conIgSg'sidering the opportunities P would J hare '-,'..#■ for selection under;the circumstances. I ■ quite agree with" you,'*'"'." j;j> The Stranger : ." Are, you quite sure *;> /, s that was a f marriage license you gave me *:- ■(. last month?" The Official : "Of course! , ( " What's the' matter?" 'Hie Stranger : X-' 'I've lived a dog's life ever since." - - ; 3,-i';~ r ■ ' - •■'.■: ' '•' •:-*£■%..'..* ~ --"r.. '\- '-■*~: ."-.i■'• . l"* "Mary." said the «ick man to his **..;■'" wife, after the doctor had pronounced : it i * a case of "if any of-inv r credi- i -.tor;, call, tell them* that 1 am at'last in '■>'. a condition to -give theni Something*'" J ' A,,.-; "I envy the man who believes that' 1 about Friday," said Mr. Grovscher. "I consider it depressing." •,i I ,' »"N"ot at, all. A man ought to be might\ comfortable who can feel sure there's only |,?;one unlucky day in the week." ;;> "I suppose you find living less expen- ' sive since you took to gathering your own ..„;, mushrooms?" "A little," replied Mr. (Jrowcher. '"We don't hj|ve aJU'thing on; i.l the mushrooms, but all oar -friends have " . quit awepting invitations to dinner." ;

££j. Surgeon at a : 'JfyMZ ' YftrW Hospital: : "What brought you" to this dreadful con* i j£*«> dition ? Were yon .run over by a : street-. i ;t:H'" Patient": '.' No 4 -^ sir; 1 fainted. ..and wan brought to" you'by a member of ; '.'the Society of First Aid to the Injured." .*-• t V' i -■■. ■ ./?> ~; -J.% "What's', the -matter here?" asked the -caller, noticing the barren appearance oi -, the house,, "Sent your* goods awav-to ...{be stored*" • '.'No,"".;replied tbj hostess. i~?« " Not at? all. My daughter wait' married la.st week and she ha* nierelv taken^awav 332* thin that she thought belonged a ■■* to tier. ! - - CIl" , Boy: 'Mr. Q"sta"n,: n can 1 get off this ~,,,. afternoon.' My . grandfather -is dead.". .£„/, Mr. Quinn : " I don't see how with your ! likir small salary you can afford to go to see *no many ball games." Bov : "That's | ... ', right. I can't either. I ought to haw '< ->■■-. more i salary." v',vj-■-«::-—«;■, ■..,,. ,wv*. K ■ '' t y ' r " ~,'*%,. "Papa says if I give up* my ."ingiri" ">d" lessons ho will present me with a pair ' .of diamond earrings." - ". Vou iiavc never ";f worn . earrings, nave you?"" "No; 1 should have to have my ears pierced." ■ "Ah! yes," I see his idea. He wants to. j pay-you back in-your own coin." ', " The bluff, cherry optimism of the late Senator Frye," said a Lewiston divine, * "could not brook a whiner. "Once at a "dinner here in Lcwiston, a' whiher seated Wopposite Senator Fn'e said dolefully. 'I ' have only one friend on earth —my dog' Why don't yon get another dog?' said- * Senator Frve." ■ym ■ ' . * ,'■■•.•.'■■.,' J; The freckle-faced boy who was about to ' be emancipated from high-school thraldom 3 was; writing his graduating essay. 'I support I ought. to wind it up," he re- ! ' -^fleeted^ '"with something touching am! 'rfßentimentaLabout the leather-headed snub"'nosed, .'-^squeaky":voiced,' conceited*; old •.'*■•, j. I anooeetrthat run* the shebang;"" There- ' * upon he wrote And now, our dear and honoured principal, we turn to you," etc. ■ :, -:% There one first-rate story of an Oscar ,:,.' ."Wilde- retojtt, in Mr. -H. M. .Hyndman's; 'newly published' and" entertaining auto-, I bioifraphy. The late * Sir Lewis ; Morris, 1 I author of "The Epic of.;• Hades." war '. complaining bittarJy of the attitude of th« press in tie: matter of his claim* to the poetf*lauite4tesbip. "It is ,'■ all'*" complete' conspiracy' of uflence against mo," he do dared, . ""a, conspiracy ; of ,t silence. What .'Might J to y,doT- "Join it," replied^