ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLVIII, Issue 14751, 5 August 1911, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

. r —■ 1 or—-r j '-;.';akickbr : "What is a swimming hole?" Jv, Bocker: " A body of water entirely sur- • "rounded by boys." > "Pardon me, madam." "For what?" " I inadvertently jabbed my eye into your jewelled hatpin!" "Why docs the audience encoro that wretched singer? " " The audience wants to finish its private conversation." ,l I called at two houses last night, and lest an umbrella at. the last. " It's a wonder you didn't lose it at the first house." "That's where 1 got it." When Father Healy was asked years ago what Mr. Healy would be in the first Irish Cabinet the reply was, "Faith, 1' think he'll be a very old man! " . ''What do you think ought to be done with tho persons who givo short weights in. trade? " "I think they ought to" be given long waits in gaol," "As a birthday present," Tommy said, "This drum is hard to beat." • "It doesn't sound that way at all," Replied his sister neat. "My good man, how did you happen to be thrown out of work?" "i got out," replied Weary Willie, with dignity. '■ I didn't have to be thrown out." Someone has given £100 worth of mustard to the new Antarctic expedition. The gallant fellows will never want for a mustard plaster on a. frost-bitten nose. "Jack, Dolly told mo the most exciting secret, and made mo vow never to breatheit to a living soul." "Well, hurry up with it. I'm late for the office now." "Nature knows what she was doing when »he deprived fishes of a voice." "How do you make that out? " "What if ft fish had to cackle over every egg it laid ! " • "Had to let my stenographer go,'' re-, marked Mr. Cumrox. " Inefficient? " " No; too accurate. She put the grammar into my letters exactly as I dictated it," "Your son is a specialist in diseases of the liver, isn't he? Is that a good branch of the profession ? "Why, it must be. Everybody has a liver, you know 1" - Some half a century ago an elector of a corrupt borough interrupted the orator, who ■was denouncing bribery as the deadliest of poisons, with the cry, "We likes poison." ! Tramp:- "Mister, would you give me a nickel for a meal?" c Pedestrian: " For a glass of beer more likely." Tramp: Wotever you says,'boss; you're paj-in' for it." " The Garden of Eden was beautiful and complete when Adam and Eve dwelt in it." "Not quito complete. There should have "been some signs warning people not to pick anything off the trees." < "Fine old inn, sir," commented the host. "Everything in this house has its story." "I don't doubt it," remarked th© touchy tourist. "And is 'there'any hoary legend connected with this old piece of cheese? " Old Gent.:" 'Pon my word, madam, I should hardly have known you, you have altered so much." Lady "For the .'better .or for the worse?" Old Gent. "Ah, madam, you could only change for the better." * * . * • » V ' "Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long delirium of fever and feeling the comfort that, loving hands had supplied. ' "Where* am lin heaven?" "No, dear," cooed his wife; "I am still with you." • .-».<■* j - - - « Professor (to young man) : " How would you punctuate the following: ' The beautiful girl, for such she was, was. passing down; the street'.?" Student: "I think, professor, I would make a dash; after the beautiful girl." V:• < ; ' *4.;,! ' ■ . " Can you give .'me a little ' breakfast, ma'am? I'm hungry and cold. I slept out of doors last night, . and tho rain came down in sheets." "Faith, me mon, you should have got in between the sheets, then." . < " You had to refuse the request of, those men?" "Yes," replied the town councillor. Were they angry?" "Not at all. I showed so much sorrow at not being able to oblige them that they .went away sympathising with me." ' }f "Editors demand . stories . that ' end happily. Perhaps that accounts for your lack of success." "Possibly," replied the • young author, with . a rather.sickly smile. " All mine have a' sad ending go : into the waste-paper basket." "What made our pirate chief compel the prisoner to walk the plank so hastily?" asked the pirate. "He was one of: those cheery and familiar ready-made humorists. The first thing he said when he saw the chief was, " Oh, you Capt. Kid! " ' u "You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for a quid a month right in this establishment, and • now.l'm owner of it." "Well, you see what happened to your boss. No man who treats his help like that can hang 011 to his business." "What is woman?" asked a speaker at ft public meeting. "Woman," replied a man in the audience— married man—"is an animate being,with the power of speech abnormally developed, and entirely surrounded by a dress that buttons up the back." _ ' • ' Speaker Joe Cannon, at a dinner, said soothingly to a young suffragette: "After all, you know there is room for both men and women in this world. Men have their work to do and women theirs. It is the woman's work to provide for the inner man, and it is the man's to provide for the outer woman." "It isn't at all safe to judge by appearances," orated the restless boy's father. "Yes," replied the mother, "appearances are awfully deceptive." " And so are inanimate objects. You would never think, merely , judging from external indications, that the heavy pair of shoes I bought for that kid was only goin' to last for six weeks, while the fragile-looking Latin gram- ■ mar I got him a month ago will probably last a lifetime !" ' The. young man was calling on the girl. He didn't know her very well, but she looked good to him. He wanted to call again the next night, but hardly had the nerve to ask permission to do so. " I'd like , to come up again," he said,; when he was ready to go home. " How about next week some time?" A look of disappointment came over her face. " Next week? " she said. "Why, isn't that —well, I'll tell you what to do; you come up to-morrow night, and we'll decidc which night next week you may call." How . eminently Scotch in its brusque, unconscious humour is that story told in Mr. Murray Gibbon's "Scots in Canada,' of an ancient Highland settler in Canada who hrtd led a band of pilgrims safely through an Indian-infested country. Admiration of the thing was expressed by somebody, who said, "The only instance I know that I can at all compare it to is that of Mosee leading the Children of Israel into their promised land." Up jumped old John. "Moses," said he, "compare me to Moses. Moses bo —! He lost half his army in the ,Ited Sea, and I brought my party through without losing one man." Felix Downey had been intended/for a ■ profession, but his health' giving way, he adopted the calling of farmer. , When in the fair one day, an acquaintance,-during : the process of " thryin till sthrike a /bargain,'' lost his temper" and beeam'c abu- . sive. " Ach, go 'long wid ye _ an' yer larnin'," he exclaimed, then pointing to a. stack of turf in the distance he continued : "Oi'll bet yez a crown ye cudn't f. tell me how minv peats ire there, clivir an' all as yez ire." Felix : " Yis I can, : mo bowld fellah, jist the same as their's • hairs in yer head; now count an' see fur v.jirsilL"- " ; f *. '' l '' t * -J, i " ■ •v i * •• ••' ; Ifc 7 '