ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLVIII, Issue 14745, 29 July 1911, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

; A':' pessimist 7is "•'-. '■ he '•. who;/•':' of : two evils chooses both. 'v ~'■;'

"Well, little boy' did you got to the circus tho other day?!' •. " Yes'm, , pa wanted to go, so I had'to go with him."

Phrenologist :" Dear me," your bump of destructiveness is very large. Are you a soldier?"' Customer: "No; I'm a chauffeur."': •■

"John, I listened to you for half an hour last night, while you .were ■ talking in your sleep." "Thanks, dear, for your self-restraint.' -

"We got forty-eight wedding presents." You're lucky." "We are not. Every ne came from friends who arc engaged 3 be married." ■•'

" That's a goo 3 cigar, Thomas.'.'! 'Yes, it I can't smoke more than three a \y." "Why? Too ' strong " No— ift/governor'd notice it."

lulu was watching her mother working aming the flowers. " Mamma, I know whj flowers grow," she said; "they want to jet out of the dirt.'

"to you get out of life all that is in it?" -\" I fear not* I only belong to four bridgi clubs. Two of -my afternoons absolute*' go to waste each week."

" Wl.y do you think he loves you ? Has he said anything?" "Oh, no! But you shoild see the way in which he looks st me when I am not looking at him

"See feat Miss Milyuns ? Before her father became rich they called her long and lanky I" " Well? what do they say now?" " Ihcy say she. is divinely tall.

Gibson : How do you like our new neighbours by this time?" Mrs. Gibson : "First rate. They haven't refused me a single thing Vet 'that I have wanted to borrow."

" Ooh !" exclaimed the visitor from the country, as the name of.; the music hall outlined itself in twinkling electric lights, "is that what : they call anV illuminated address'!" . ." l : ";\ \ -; ; ' ,:.* ?;■.'■

Mrs. Newgold (in the pictine gallery) : This, Aunt Eunice, is a reaV old master." Aunt Eunice: "Well, I shouldn't care if it was; it just as good .75 some of the new ones." ;) J "X

" Can you tell me. my boy," &id • the. prim teacher, '*' why the race is not always to the swift?" "Yes'm," said the. little boy promptly. ' " It's ', because sometimes the tires bust." ' ; \

, "What're ye comin* home with "jour milk pail empty for?" demanded the fritter. "Didn't, the old cow give anything?" " Yes,'' replied his boy ; " nire quarts and one kick." \

"I am here" Mr. Lloyd-George began a speech in the House of 1 Commons. And so am I," an interrupter shouted. Yes, but you are not all there," , was the disconcerting retort.

"What's the good of having friends if you can't ask favours of them?" "That' s right. But I've noticed that the man: who has the most friends .is the one who asks the fewest favours." . . ; v

" And do : you have to by called in the morning?" asked the lady who was about to engage a new girl. "I d'.m't has to be mum," replied the applicant, "unless you happens to need me.' | _ V

Young Doctor :" Why, do you.always ask your patients what they -have for dinner?" Old Doctor;: "It's a most important question, for, according to their menus' I make out my bills."

" True happiness/my boy," said pater; familias, " consists •in finding that your have paid two shilling for an article ax- :. actly like that for -which your friend had : *■ to pay half a crown the day before.". :- y

• /Doctor :" The -increasing deafness ,of , your wife is merely an indication of adv vancing years, and you can tell ~ her that." Husband-.. " Hum I would you mind telling her -that yourself, doctor?'.-

Teacher: " Now, Tommy, suppose' a man. gave i; you £ 100 to keep for him and then died, < what would you do ? Would you | pray for liim ?'':.* Tommy : " No, sir ; But I would pray for another like him."

" Oar whole ■ neighbourhood lias been stirred up," said the regular reader. ■ The editor of the country weekly • seized his ~ ,pen. "Tell me ill about it." he said. : "'.What we want: is"' news. What stirred ifc up '.'"<" Ploughing,' raid the farmer.

Tho- Bridegroom: ' "By jove, old - man, i how little consequence I really am! I don't suppose there is any more insigni- ? Scant thing on earth than myself at the moment." i His Friend : " Wait till you've been manned four, or r five years." • i ' ' ■- J >

The paper on -which the ißank of EngJ land notes are, printed is made of new : linen or cotton, and a note. will support a weight of 361b before it is sized. If , the ' note is of the..right size it will support a man and. his entire family for f • months. ' .'■..•■."■/•

" Out to luncheon —back ,-, in five minutes," read* the sign on the door. "Are you sure ' he will get back that soon?" asked the anxious caller. " Yes'm," said £he wise office boy. "He ain't got the price of a ten-minutes' lunch in his clothes." i V'■'." ' ; • .'

'■■•'"• An excursion steamer plying between . Dufcfc. and ■ some, pleasure resort on the coast -was:rabidly nearing her destination when the captain—who pockets the profits iof the catering department — ; through the tube to the' chief engineer : •'Aise her, Mike, aise her, they're drink.Pjln' 'fine.*'-' ■ ; '■■'■'_■■_-. ■ f - v -„ •-■ - '' -• . . '.•'.

'An American contemporary, referring to : a deceased citizen, said: —" We knew him as old Ten per Cent.—the more, he had the less he spent—the more lie got the less he lent—he's dead —we don't know where lie'"went; but if his soul 'j. to heaVen was sent— own the harps and charge { 'cm rent." " '■ ""■"' ■'.

A ticket-collector on one iof the largest railways is much struck with the ' enormous mortality which seems to take place among children at one particular age. Most', of them seem to enjoy robust ' health up to within a few months of their '.twelfth year, but hardly any, it ; would appear, actually reach that;age. ; ■■;} . _

•i, ,'t Nellie ■■ had " raisons fur : expectin' a let,ther throm her swateheart," and every .1 ■ evening enquired * on coming home , from c "wurrk" if the post had .^called".Mother, v* (annoyed) : - "Ach, J give, us pace wid yer axein ; fur the post'; if yez must hev a. letther all till yirsilf, why nawt sind a stamped- addriss'ed envelope?"

A man once wrote to Sir W. S. Gilbert criticising the use of the word " coyful"" in one of the operas. " How can any one be full of coy?" the critic inquired. "Really I don't know/' Gilbert replied; 41 but, having recently come across the word' 'bashful,' I am trying to discover how any one can bo, fall of bash." " But why does your father object to me?", demanded the humble suitor. "Because,'' explained the haughty beauty 'of proud lineage., " Papa• says his ancestors' have always been 'gentlemen of leisure, and you have to . work for a living." "Well, tell him I don't expect to after we are married," replied the humble suitor., ■ /,*»'. ■' The ,young woman sat before her glass, and gazed long and earnestly at the reflection there. She screwed up her face in many ways. She/ fluffed her hair,, ancl then smoothed it down again. She raised her eyes *; and lowered them; she showed her teeth and : she pressed her lips tightly together. At last she got up, with ; a weary sigh, and said— It's ;no use, I'll • be some kind of a reformer." ; /■, ■f ; ; -v-:;, r : V ; ' v - • ?., .. v ". I