ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLVII, Issue 14375, 21 May 1910, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

i :—', ♦ ——— .•■" Deeeboye : • "Don't 1 you think travel ; broadens the mind?" Miss Sharpe:, "Yes, ; you should take a trip round the world." ;> " "A little, change jof heir" remarked the old man' as he altered his will, cutting off i his nephew in favour of a distant rela- :.; i tive. •'• ; .' : ' •' > Young Medico: "What is the, secret of ' your success?" Old 'Un: "I make it a , •- rule to find out what the patient wants .to do. Then I order him to do it." The: Girl: "If you are thirsty, here is a glass of water." Tramp: " No, miss, • I dare not touch it. I've got an ; iron con- ,- stitution, and water would rust it." :'-■ Pushing young village grocer (to local "[ M.P.): "Ha, good morning, Mr. Kogers! J 1 presume you want my renewed support { "in the coming contest.". M.P. (unexpect- *£ * edly): "No, 1 don't, young man. I want fa tin of sardines, and look sharp about $ it!" - .:■- •■■ '" ; : ■V • J; "What brought you here, my poor felK, low?" the settlement worker asked. "I y married a New Woman, sir," the prisoner yV groaned. "Aha! And she was so domin,7 . eering and extravagant that it drove you . to desperate courses, eh?" "No, the old F/ woman turned up." ~ %'-'■ ''You look sweet enough to kiss," says ■ .the impressed man. "So many gentlemen tell rat* that," coyly answers the fair .ghl., "Ah! That, should make you . - happy." .'.' But they merely say that," ;. . * she repines. They merely tell me the ■facts of the case, and never prove their '•_,' statements." _ Two • farmers of the old ■ school stood ;'.::■,-- upon the platform of a railway station the *•';, other day, when a lady passed in the ; "'V height of fashion. "There, John," said ;k one, "what do you think of that lady?" [f^. ■'-' John eyed her for a minute, and then •said: "Ah, Bill, it is bad ground that ■■ *f. ' takes so much top-dressing." ■■' Theatrical Manager; "Hi, there ! What :','■„;. are you doing with that pistol?" Dis- . * ' couraged Lover: "Going to kill myself." ;: Theatrical Manager: "Hold a minute. If -!. you're bound to do it, won't you be good , [: ... enough to leave a note saying that, you did %' it for love of Miss Starr, our leading K ladv? Its a dull season, and every little I ■ helps." " ■ : '. "I'm sure I have met you before," r- ~ remarked a guest at a; : Radical recep- --; tion. "I haven't any recollection of the meeting," replied the other. "But I'm *"". positive I've spoken to you before," per- ;, sisted the first speaker, " perhaps on a ', . public platform, or in business?" "Ah, k 'f; well, it's not unlikely," was the quiet *'' reply, "I'm a pawnbroker." A friend met a cheerful Irish citizen '. who had plainly suffered some hard knocks. "Well, Pat, how are you getting along now?" he inquired. "Oh, ? • . Oi'm hard up yet but Oi have a fine job I in Honnolulee, and fare paid. Oi sail . j to-morry." . "Sure, man, you'll never be able to" work there. The temperature is . a hundred in the shade." Pat had en- ■• ' dured too much cheerfully to be discour- - aged. "Well," he replied hopefully,; ■■ "Oi'll "not be worrukin* in the shade all - thetoime." ■ feSlSM ■■■:> ■';: . -'■■■"■' ■■■'■■'■■'.• ■."• .