ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLVI, Issue 14145, 21 August 1909, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Musical Tragedy: The pong died on her ;■,:;■ lips. lb had. been cruelly murdered. It's hard to live within one's salary, but (hero's one consolation—it's harder to.live ■without- it. Many a girl thinks she has broken her ;i heart when she has only sprained her ! imagination. "But, Mina, you shouldn't, flirt with aU the men as you are doing! Remember —yon' not married!" " Were you ever surrounded by wolves?" " No: but I used to open the dining-room f* - doors at a summer hotel." "Wife: " Won't you feel very lonely while I Tain away?" Husband: 'Well, mv dear, »' there's the parrot to talk to me.'' t Mistress: "Did the mustard piaster do you any good. Bridget?" Maid: "Yes: but, begorry, mum, ut do bite the tongue!" . "Don't, suspect everything and everybody. There aren't so many hypocrites as -_ . you think, «nd to judge by one's self is radically wrong." -' . "I started out on the theory that the | world had an opening for me, and 1 went : to find it." " Did. you find it?" "Oh, I yes, I'm in a hole." Grace: "Who is that- man they're all • , quarrelling with?' Jack: "Why, he's keeping the. score." Grace: "On!—and \ '■' ■ won't- he give it, tip?" The Husband: " Well, say what you C will, my dear, you'll find worse than 'me in the world." The Wife: "Oh, Tom, how can you be so bitter?" ! The Briton: "As the old "proverb says '..-' y' know, 'He lawfs best who lawfs lahst.'" The Yankee: "If that's so, what good laughers you English must be!" .',.• The- attitude of many toward the suf- •; fragists appears to be the old axiom of our school days, "Them as asks sha'n't ■ havo; them, as don't ask don't want." [<; Jorkins: '" My dear, I wish you wouldn't '-'". sing that song about 'Falling .uew.'" i>irs. ,lorkins: "Why not?" Jorkins: "It reminds me too much of the house rent." "Why is Maude so angry with the ■ photographer "She found "a* label on the ; '| back of her picture saying, "The original ;■'.'■.'„ of this photograph is carefully preserved." ; *I don't understand how one can learn boxing by correspondence as this adver- : tisement states. How can one get any practise?" ,r Oh, you get your practise ["' licking stamps." ~: "This play in its intensity," said the go-out-between-the-acts young* man, " fair- : ly takes my breath away." "I only wish it would !" gloomily remarked the lady in the next seat. •' "Dad, I was simply great in relay events." boasted the boy from college. "'Good enough, son. We'll make use of them talents. Your ma will goon be ready ]-■■ : to re-lay the carpets." j • Someone asked Max Nordau to define i: the difference between genius and insanity. _ " Well," said the author of "Degeneration," " the lunatic is, at least, sure of his board and clothes." The captain was receiving the new | middy. "Well, boy, the old story, I suppose—fool of the family sent to sea?" j "Oh, no, sir," piped the boy, "that's all J altered since your day." ' I : . "Watchman,'' What of the Night?" was m the subject of William J. Bryan's recent M speech at Columbus, ; 0. , And Miss Demo;f:: cracy answers, " The Night is Dark, and I ' v Am Far From Home. You Led Me On.'-, ? ' '.;'_.. They were the little daughters of an ' artist— and Ethel. '" You don't look ; so very much alike," remarked a visitor. /'Oh, no!" answered Ethel, who was the younger, "I'm in mamma's later manner." , "Pa, what do they call a person that '■''.' reads heads?" "A phrenologist, my boy," " Gee! Then ma must be one of those things. She felt of my head this afternoon and said right away: ' You've been swimming." :'"- "Mary, after the week is out I sha'n't i ,'need : your services," the • boardinghouse- ■ . Jkeeper- told her cook; "your cooking »doesn't suit me." " But the boarders seem ito like it, ma'am!" "Yes. That's why »I must get another cook." V • ' ; '; Say, paw," said little Sammy Mr. 'Jeemison told me to-day that I was a' second edition of you." "That was nice of him," rejoined paw. "How did he r come to .say it?" "I asked him for sixpence," answered Sammy. , •. (< Drummer: "And so our friend your hus.band is gone I He dealt with me for 20 ', years." Weeping Widow: "Yes, and if .you had come a fortnight earlier you would have found him still among the living!" Drummer; "Do you think he , left any order for me?" - t ':,:"j* The fond husband was seeing his wife 7 off with the children for their vacation in the country. As she got into the train, She said, "But, my dear, won't you take 'some fiction to read?" "Oh, no!" she rev sponded sweetly, "I shall depend upon ■V 'your letters from home." . '; Mistress (excitedly): " Bridget, you have ■". ' 'roasted the chicken for dinner, and I.wantted to have the mutton to-day." Bridget: \"Ye niver said so." Mistress: "No; but " \1 thought you would have known." Brid- '". \8 e V" "Shure, mum, an' did ye expect a ißioind-reader for foive shillings a wake?" , £• An artist had finished a landscape on ■ .looking up, he beheld an Irish navvy gaz- " : 'ing at his canvas. "Well," said the ■ artist familiarly, "do you suppose j'ou 'could make a picture'like that?" The Uj-ishman mopped his forehead a moment, .. |" Sure, a man c'n do annything if he's 'druv to ut," he replied. "' ,>' "No," drawled the Mayor of'the -far , " Western settlement, " the boys had some 'money tied up in that thar bankrupt tele- ;.. ■ phone company an' they just didn't like way the receiver was handling the business." ''Didn't, eh?" commented the tourdst. "Well, what did they do about it?" ' "Oh, they just hung up the receiver." S. Joaquin Miller was once overtaken bv a s countryman who gave him a long I'lue. 'Tired, at length, of conversation, the poet ;: took a novel from his pocket. "What are ; you reading?" said the countryman. "A 7 novel of Bret Hade's," said Mr. Miller. . r: "Well, now, I don't see how sin immortal I' being wants to be wasting his time with . such stuff." "Are you quite sure," said ■■:.'-■ >tho poet, "that I am an immortal being?" ■ • Of course you are." "If that is the *. icase, responded Miller, "I don't see why ..:; J need be so very economical of my time." •' . A correspondent sends to a Paris con ;,; jtemporaiy an amusing contest of wit which .;..: he recently heard in a railway carriage on ,a journey between Compiegno and Boye. JThero were several passengers. One believed himself to lessees a "void of humour ;•■.;■■■• which he intended to expend on a pr'esfc who got in at one of the intermediate stations Bestowing a patronising look on '; the clergyman, he said: Have you heard the ;.--;ws, Monsieur le cure?" "No, my 'friend, I have not," was the reply; '1 have been out all day, and have not had tune to glance, at the papers." Then said -'. , the traveller, "It is something dreadful ; the devil is dead." "Indeed/ replied the " j : ecclesiastic, without the smallest surprise pr displeasure. - Then, seeming ;'■> deeply touched, he added: "Monsvmr, I have al- : ,vmys, taken the greatest interest in orphans. , Will you accept these two sous?" Sir??'- wit, -we are told, retired as gracefully SflS? as quickly as he was ah l e. - mm»:c- ■ - ■..,■'■'-..■•■■ ..-■•. .. / ■ ■ ■■■ ~.••■