ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLV, Issue 13650, 18 January 1908, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

A woman gets mad with the cards when they are against her, and a man with his wife.

" Ever try an automobile, judge." said a friend. "No," replied the judge; "but I've tried a lot of people who have."

."The Widow: "Did you marry in haste and repent at leisure?" The Divorcee: "No: we married at leisure and repented in haste."

" Let me introduce you to the champion light-weight of Lambeth." "He doesn't look like a fighter." "He isn't. He's a coaldealer."

Molly: "Oh, Pat, I'm surprised at ye proposal' to —yer first wife only dead a month!" Pat: " Sure,. Molly, sire's as dead as iver she'll be."

"I fell overboard," said the sailor, "and the shark grabbed me by the leg." "-And what did you do?" "'Let him have the leg. I never dispute with a shark-"

Mother: "Why did you not ere am when Hans kissed you?" Daughter: "He threatened me." Mother: "How?" Daughter: "He said if I did he'd never kiss me again."

There was a. gay maid of Japan, "Who never could love any man; The. reason for tin's, The heartless young miss Was only a maid on a fan.

Mother (policeman's wife): "Willie, I've been shouting for you this half-hour. How is it • you are never here when you are wanted?" Son: "Well, mother, I 'suppose I take after father."

Though I have not the power to draw an angel from the skies I have pinned one to the earth," remarked the gentleman, who was standing on a lady's train. And the lady excused him.

The Prima Donna : " Why don't you give the part to my daughter? She sings beautifully. She has inherited my voice." Manager: That so? I've often wondered what became of your voice."

" You have got a new servant, I see, Mrs. Youngster?" "Yes; I got her about a. week ago." "How do you like her?"' Very much, indeed. She lets me do almost as I liko about the house."

Grandpa: " Shall I come and play Red Indians with you?'' Bobbie (eyeing him critically): " I'm afraid you won't do." Grandpa: "Why not?" Bobbie: Well, you see, you've been scalped already."

" There is one thing I dread," remarked Johnson, "and : that is a premature burial." " You need not worry about that," replied his . friend; " the thing is impossible; there's no danger of your being buried too soon."

"Why don't you try to drive that horse without profanity?" "It- wouldn't do any good," answered the canal boatman. "It ain't fair to the 'orse to ask it to start at its time o" life to learn a lot o' polite words."

Master of the House: It strikes me I've seen your face before." Stranger: "Yes, you have. I sold you a cook-book a year ago." " What are you selling now?" " A sure cure for dyspepsia. Only one-and-three-halfpence."

Wife: "James, do you know that you are a very small man?" Husband: "How ridiculous! lam nearly six feet in height." Wife: "That makes no difference: whenever I ask you for money to go shopping you are always short."

A judge was questioning an Irishman. " He squeezed you by the throat and choked you, did he?" asked the judge. "He did, sor," said Pat. "Sure, sor, he squazed me throat till he thought he would make cider out of me Adam's apple."

The story is told of a gentleman who, entering a railway .station, met a porter coming out with a dog under his arm. The gentleman asked, "Where's that. dog. going?" The porter savagely .replied, "You don't know where he's going, I don't know here hew? goirw^—ite's ate his label i"