QUACK DOCTORS AND THEIR METHODS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLIV, Issue 13491, 18 May 1907, Page 1 (Supplement)

QUACK DOCTORS AND THEIR METHODS.

No. 11. BT F.E.W. • The French have a proverb which may be translated, " By exercising oneself, one accuses oneself." In fairness to myself, however, it is only right, to explain that when I embarked in the fraudulent business which was the subject of the preceding article, and also of this, I was driven to it by the spur of necessity. The head partner in: the firm which I was representing and I had a difference of opinion, with the | result that I wrote them to send a man [from Australia to take over mv. samples and finish my trip. .This they did; but, | without warning, stopped my remittance land left, me stranded in Christchurch with I nothing but a saloon return ticket to Melj bourne. The "Kaffir Healer" had visited j Christchurch and Ashburton, and upon his | return .to Wellington I met him. He told me that he had done great business; butleft there very hurriedly in response to a telegram from his wife, hence his books and accounts were in such a mess he really did not know how he stood. j "When,' he asked, " are you going down there?" " Thursday," was my reply; " by the Mokoia." - ■ ■' „ i 'Will you, like a good fellow, go into my office, in Hereford-street, and straighten things up for me? Make up some rough sort of balance-sheet." "Yes; all right," I said. "I shall be busy fixing my sample-room, but will go into your place on Saturday afternoon, and Sunday, if necessary." Calling down blessings upon me, lie gave me a letter to his business manager, and when I left he was at the wharf to see me off. That was the last I saw of him and also of some few pounds he had borrowed at various timer in Wellington. On arriving in Christchurch I found my successor had arrived, and also made the discovery that I was left without means in a strange land —a remarkably awkward predicament, which 1 trust none of my readers may ever experience. On ' the Saturday afternoon, however, according to promise, I called at Hereford-street, presented* my credentials, and found that my visit was expected by the staff, which comprised a man and a boy. The man, X' ascertained later, had paid the "Kaffir" the sum of twelve pounds m cash as a bonus, to secure the more than doubtful honour of the appointment, ami had received three poundsone week's salarywhile the boy had received nothing. With every mark of respect I was ushered into the inner room, which formed the consulting-room; the other was the dispensary and clerks' office and then started upon my business. , After about halt' an hour of accounts and pa - tients' book, to my dismay,, the door was carefully: opened and the manager announced, "A lady to .'sec you, doctor Escape was impossible, panic seemed, imminent, and joyfully would I have beaten a retreat had there been any door other than that through which my first patient was introduced. At the psychological moment the excellent advice of Private Mulvaney in, ' Soldiers, Three" occurred to me" Keep a stiff upper lip and' trust to the standing luck o:t the British army"so, taking a tight hold of myself, I placed a chair beside the table and inquired the nature of the trouble. "".V ' -■ ; .-. "It is rather a delicate matter I want to see you about, doctor," was the very disconcerting opening; but 1 replied suavely: . Quite. so; in a consulting-room we have : to listen to confidences oi all torts. .1 would like, . however, to impress upon you" (Oh! how I was •: sparring tor wind "how necessary it is to be us explicit- as possible in describing your symptoms. . You see, except in the case of an operation, when a patient is - "treated in : her own home, we like to dispense with any examination; and so, if you concc-al anything from us, unimportant, perhaps, in your > estimation but -of vital interest to us, we are working in the dark to that extent,- which is not fair play to either our treatment or our patient, is it, now?" Before this little speech was finished • my nerve had returned, and I'actually managed i to raise'-a smile. After the lady's statement, I suggested a course of treatment, to extend over three months, two pounds ten shillings to be paid as a deposit, and • a.: similar sum at the end of three months were a cure effected, or, if not, the deposit would be returned. L knew that these were the lines upon which my illustrious predecessor worked, and I also knew that before these guarantees had matured lie made it his business to be as far away as possible, giving fresh, guarantees to fresh victims. In any case, I assured my first patient, we positively declined to undertake .hex- case without the consent and authority of. her husband. She said she thought he would be in the market, and left me to go in search of him; but, grace a dieu, I never saw her igaiu. ' \ Immediately the young woman had left I rang the bell, and asked the manager what he meant by addressing me as " doctor " :■ ■ "You are ' ze doctaire,' are you not?" , "No! -you fool," was my polite rejoinder. Then came a storm of astonishment, explanation, and appeal in shockingly , bad English. His name he had informed me was Webster; but he was undoubtedly a Jerman, and before engaging in medicine, 1 found, he had been chef at a city hotel. Presently he produced a telegram, and it 'Vas my turn to be astonished, for it read: —"Detained, son seriously ill, my cousin, Doctor —— , arriving per Mokoia.—Kaffir Healer." I dismissed my versatile subordinate, in order to review my position vitliout interruption, and although two or hree came, in the shape of patients, I ar■ived at a decision, persuaded myself that t was inevitable, and accepted it. An extinction of the patients' book disclosed •he fsict that some three hundred and eighty pounds had been secured in Christchurch, md a hundred and eighty in Ashburton— >ne old farmer, a chronic dyspeptic, in the atter place, had paid fifty "pounds in cash, md had not received even a bottle of medicine. Ringing again for Webster, I told :iim that it had not been my intention to practise; but as patients appeared to rejuire attention I would receive them while I was completing my audit-. "And now," [ said, "we had better have a look at the stock." In the dispensary I found some half-gross of two-ounce phials, a drawer full of corks, two Winchester quarts of the famous green liniment, a small quantity of tooth powder and brushes, and about three dozen small wooden boxes of compound liquorice powder, labelled "The Kaffir Herbal Indigestion Powder." After this inspection I took my factotum into the consulting-room and interrogated him. Now, Webster, in a business oi this kind I know there are always some dissatisfied patients. I want to know who they are, and I want to know them when they come in. Now, who is "kicking" the worst?" It appeared that two or three promises to despatch medicines - by rail and post had been neglected.-. The boy was put to work upon that task, and then I iieard that a Mr. had paid Paul tea pounds on the morning of his flitting for Wellington, in consideration for wuich he was to have a course of massage treatment to relieve a severe attack of sciatica. "When is he likely to call?" I inquired somewhat anxiously. "At half-past seven this evening," was the reply; and shortly after I closed tho establishment- and went to mv hotel for dinner. Despite the gloomy prospect of ever being able to pay the bill, my appetite was excellent, and fortified in spirit I walked down to the consulting-rooms, solacing myself with the repetition of two proverbsone was "Forewarned is forearmed," and the other " L'audace, toujours l'audace!" Punctually at half-past seven, Webster, with a warning inflection in his voice, announced "Mi - ——." Rising from my

chair, I held oat my hand and said, "Mr -,:■ I urn truly delighted to meet you, and in spite of our very short : acquaintance I am going to ask a favour of you. l.wanl you," I went on, "to let,us have? yom photograph, for in all the years that nn cousin and I have been practising:■ you art the first of our patients to express hitusel.; , as dissatisfied." *! But—'" my visitor expostulated. . - ' >■ "Pardon me, one moment. .First of al I want to remove oDe part of the trouble. )| Twenty pounds I believe it was that vol s■; paid?" t . ■ -■-■.; ,; . "No! ten," was the reply. ; M "Ah! so much the better;" then, raising 6 my voice, "Webster! bring me the cheque' * I book!" Webster made a most industrious" search » although the outlay of ten shillings just thei , j would have swamped the resources of botl of us. While my visitor protested that he jdid not want his money back, he was per•jfeetly satisfied with the institute's agree i ment, but he wanted the treatment. Finally , I consented to hold to the contract, and _ (dismissing my man from the room proceeded .to massage die afflicted limb. I:knew as much of the science of massage a* I'did 5 of French polishing; but a plentiful ap--1 plication of liniment, with elbow j grease, t brought a certain amount of relief, Avhicii t was hailed with much gratitude, j " Now,'* said I, "of course, if we are tc cure you, you must help lis; but I don't 1 want to give a lot-of instructions to a man of your intelligence. Eat plenty of frail i and vegetables, knock off beer altogether, and if you feel you must have a little stimulant, take gin and lithia water." "Very well," he replied;■"and thank you. 1 feel a lot better; but don't you > think a doctor inspires confidence by taking i his own medicine''" , "Certainly!" reaching for my hat. And I think the Hereford Arms dispensed that prescription several times before we bade ' each' other good night. ; Until the final cur- > tain this gentleman and I remained friends. I He is now a resident of Auckland, and despite my disclaimer, declares that mj i treatment cured him, and expresses himseli i willing to give me a testimonial. . I may mention here that the liniment tc - which reference has been made consisted 1 of methylated spirit, spirits of camphor. 1 and chloroform, with a little oil of winter green to give it colour. Occasionally ] , added a few drops of writing ink to indicate _ cate that 1 was changing the medicine, as ' I explained one night to the manager, " We i are here to make an impression, and we'll . do it, if we have to use ink 5 During the following week business was . so brisk that I wired to Panama-street, Wellington: " Going strong, all serene, send ■medicine," and followed this up with an "urgent.". In reply came a very briei s note from the whilom assistant, in whicl: ihe said.:—"The Kaffii did a bunk last [ Saturday" (the day of my initiation !) " The f place is full of writs and judgments. I'm off to Wanganui to-night!" This was i : "facer," but I kept the guilty knowledge " to myself, bought a gallon of methylated _ spirit, and continued to treat cases, "wlncl 'ranged from stuttering to sciatica, epilepsy '| to necrosis of the jawbone (that was s "Maori girl), deafness, nasal catarrh, floating ; kidney—in fact, nearly all the ills that human flesh is heir to—-with my precious . j liniment and liquorice powder. This last, 1 '■ may say, is simply pulverised senna leaves M flavoured with liquorice, and I remember '■{ my stuttering patient was directed to infuse with a pint of boiling water,-add a quart- ' ern .of gin, • and take* half a wineglassful ' three times a day before meals. This; was ' to build up the nervous system and cerebral | cells before we proceeded to the mechanical : device of speaking with a pebble resting ' upon the tongue,- etc., etc. The gentleman ' afflicted with nasal catarrh happened to be my next patient, and he went away laden ' with hope and a box of liquorice powder, to be used as snuff! Needless to say, the ; labels had been carefully removed.; A lady troubled with deafness came in from Lyttelton; - she was", treated—liniment this time— and told before her next visit .to sit as far , as space would permit from her kitchen ; clock, to concentrate her,attention upon the '( pendulum, and if *be could "not: distinctly hear' the ticking,J not to come in but to continue the ; treatment until the sound became audible. Mind triumphed over matter once, more," and she arrived on the appointed day bringing a s similarly afflicted friend.. with her.. - . >'<..'.. The end came with dramatic suddenness. One morning I strolled down as usual, at; about ten o'clock, and. saw, Webster at the door anxiously looking up and down the| street. I hastened my. progress, and accosted him: "' ~ .- . ._. " Somebody; waiting?" "My word, there is!!" was the startling reply; " a blooming bailiff!" .; j The owners of, the building had "just put a man in for arrears of rent-; /but I did not care to make his acquaintance. By eleven o'clock the last piece of linoleum (hired) was put upon a cart, a blue paper was pasted upon the door, and the Kaffir Institute was no more. In the shades of evening I took a train to Sydenham, a quiet, retired suburb, where I rested until the Moeraki sailed for Australia. If the moral of these articles prove not sufficiently obvious,, let me quote a little anecdote, which will illustrate the esteem in which the patient is held by the "quack," in order that the prospective patient may form a correct estimate of his philanthropic adviser. When business was dull Professor Paul —■ — was in the habit of walking to and fro, and declaiming aloud, "Why won't somebody send me a ,' mug" His little daughter four years of age—was finishing the saying of her prayers one night, and after invoking the usual blessing upon " father, mother, uncles, and aunties, and all kind friends," finished up by adding, " And please send father a ' mug !' " ' .".