ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLIV, Issue 13491, 18 May 1907, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"Ah, love is a dream.' -'Yes, out (matrimony is a pretty good alarm.clock." ■ ] j Teacher: "Wilfred, name some of,the great reformers.'" Wilfred: "Spelling or ; religious, ma'am?" _____ 'She : " That Mr. Scarey is the most I chicken-hearted fellow I ever met!"' He: ! "Possibly he., was an mcubator baby." I Ho talks like a book, his • . i Admirers all say. ! What a pity he doesn't Shut up • the same way. i ! "Woman, as a rule, generally gains her! I point, but in one instance she always fails." j " Wnen :is that?" "When she sharpens a] 'lead ■pencil." : ■ Orchestra Leader: "I never heard the | i prima "donna do that high note as well as j she did last night." Stage Manager: ''Nor. i. i'ou bee, just as she reached it she saw a mouse in the wings!" ' ' ' Scribbleton: " I have a new idea for a | ! realistic play. Manager : " Realism on the! .stage is a btiek number." Scribbleton: I "But this will be a decided novelty. I propose to put real actors on the stage." .Towne: "I had the worst luck with that old umbrella of mine last evening at the concert. I put it in the stand with the others—:"; Browne: "And when you went to get it, it was gone, eh?" Towne: " No; hang it! It was the only one left. I didn't get a shot at the others.";-^. Lawyer: " Now, sir, did you or did you hot, on the date in question or at any other time, say to the defendant or anyone else that the statement imputed to you and denied by the plaintiff was a matter of no moment, or otherwise? Answer me, yes or no." Bewildered Witness: " Yes or no what?" _ Sniit'en (in his own estimation a rising poet): "Ah, do you know, Miss Bracing, that my fancies always, come to me in my .dreams?" Miss Bracing: " Yes . That is perhaps why they make other people so sleepy." Snifi'eu, after a moment's hesitation, concludes that it would be well to retire for while. • Manager: "I can't do •■ a thing with Smith, the new clerk. I've had him in three departments, and he dosses all day long.'" Proprietor: "Put him at the pyjama counter, and fasten this card on 'him: ' Our night-clothes are of such a superior quality that even the clerk whp sells them cannot keep awake.'" ; .-. ■■'■~ '■ A little girl has been allowed' by her mother to visit !!ie minister's family, and stay for dinner. After the preacher ; had finished asking a blessing the child said: " That isn't the way my papa asks a bless- ! ing." " And how does your papa- ask a [blessing?" inquired the minister. "Why, ihe just says: 'Good heaven! what a meal , "' :.;■',' ; ; Mrs. Smith: " I liea. Mrs. Weeds is going to marry a farmer and live in the country." Mrs. Jones': "Well, she ought j jto make a good farmer's wife." Mrs. i 'Smith : "I don't see why. She has always • lived in town. Mrs. Jones :" True ; but as this is her sixth matrimonial venture she evidently knows all about husbandry." y- The proprietor of a pawnshop was one night awakened by his telephone-bell 'ringing furiously at about three o'clock." He rushed ' out of bed, fearing some: calamity, I and on applying the receiver to his car heard a man's voice. "Hallo! Hallo! Are you Mr. A. of the pawnshop?" " Yes," he replied;" what is it?" " "Will you please tell'me the time?" • " The time? And is that, what you have. awakened me up for?" "Yes; so sorry, but I must know what time it is, and I left my watch with you yesterday." ■•..,"