ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLIV, Issue 13414, 16 February 1907, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Mistress (trying to be agreeable) : "What are your favourite dishes, Bridget?" New Cook: "To ate or to break, mum?"

"Pa, what's a philosopherV" "A poor man who is trying to make other people believe he doesn't want to be rich."

Professor (at chemistry examination): "•Under what combination is gold released most quickly?" Student: "Marriage."'

" You have heard that automobiles- have been forbidden in the Orient, I suppose?" "Yes, they arc afraid of the 'Occidents.'"

Peasant (standing near a ruined arch, to his wife): "Work? No, so long as there are tourists and ruins, we sha'n't find it necessary."

Mistress: ■' Tel] me instantly. Mina, did the master kiss you last night'.'" Maid : Yes. ma'am, but don't be upset about it, I didn't mind at all."

"Why is Freshers always boasting that he has 'lost money on the market';" "It's the only way he can ever get anybody to believe that lie ever had any."

Friend : " Who was that funny old party you were speaking to just now?" "That was my wife" (sighing' deeply), "but she isn't at all funny. 1 can tell you."

- But, Tommy," said hie mother, "didn't your conscience tell you you were doing wrong?" " Yes'm," replied Tommy. " but 1 don't believe everything 1 hear."

Mother: "Johnnie, if you are not quiet, I will take the cane to you." .Johnnie: " Pray, desist, mother. This continual threat of the cane makes ma quite nervous."

A dentist inserted the following advertisement in his local paper:—" During the summer months all teeth wiir be extracted outside on the verandah. Exquisite view."

"Oh," said the conceited youth. "I could marry 'most any girl 1 wish." " You've got that "rather twisted," said Wise. "You mean you wish you could many 'most any girl." •

Tailor: "No money again, and just for a beggarly pair of trousers. Must 1 come here nine times?" Student: "Well, then, make me a whole suit and it will be worth the trouble."

Elderly Singer (to conductor after the concert): "Look here, Mr. Conductor, your orchestra, played so loud to-night that the audience could scarcely hear my aria." Conductor: "You should be glad."

A Manhattan woman, when asked how she liked the recent earthquake there, replied: "Fine. It's the iiist tiling that has happened at our house since we were married that John didn't blame me for."

A new Siamese paper has burst out with this:—"The news of English, we tell the latest. Writ in perfectly style and most earliest. Do a murder get commit, we hear of and tell it. Do a mighty chief die. we publish it, and in borders of somber. Staff has each one been colleged and write like Kipling and the Dickens. We circle every town and extortionate not for advertisements."

Father Time had been swinging his scythe for twenty years when they accidentally met again. He was a .bachelor of fortyfive, bald, and slightly disfigured, but still in the ring. She a spinster, fat and forty; but not as fair as she used to be. "Do you remember," she gurgled, " how you proposed to me the last time we met, and I refused you?" "Well, 1 should think I do," he replied. "It is by long odds the happiest recollection of my life." And seeing it was a hopeless case she meandered along on her lonely way.