ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLII, Issue 12955, 26 August 1905, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Tailok: "How many hip pockets?' 1 PaIron: "Two." Tailor: "Pints or quart*?" "Pa, what's a crank?" "A crank, my noli, is it specialist in any lino in which you are not interested." Young Matt: " I would go to the ends of the world for you." Young Woman : " Yes, but would you stay there?" Jack", I heard this morning that dad has just had a, legacy of £1000 a year!" " Grand ! Now we can get married." Richard: "That fellow always has a lot of plausible talk on hand.'' Tom: "Yes; it's his stock-in-trade. He's a palmist." " My dear girl, how could you think for one moment he was in a position, to propose lo you?" "He was on his knees, papa." "Sec that man? lie landed in this country with bare feet, and now lie's got millions." "Well, he must lie a regular centipede." > ;' Minister: "Well, Bobby, what do you want to he when you grow up?" Bobby (suffering from parental discipline): "An orphan," He: "Do you really think it hurts a man. to be hit with one of Cupid's arrows?" She : " No. As a' rule, he merely becomes senseless for a time." Gipsy (.solemnly): "I warn you that an enemy will cross your path!" Scorcher (scornfully): " Oh, if he's going to cross my path you'd better warn him!" Father (of large family): "My dear, isn't it about time you were thinking of getting married'.'"' Daughter: "Heavens! I haven't thought of anything else for years." Judge: "What's the charge, officer?" Officer: "Attempted suicide, yer honor." Judge: "State the particulars." Officer: "Well, he wanted t' foight me, yer honor." Mrs. P.: "And I suppose if wo have another war you'll stay at home like a coward?" Mr. P.: "My dear, no one could call me a coward if I remained at your side." Edith: Didn't I see my brother -lack kissing you on the cliff last night?" Mab: " Yes; but it was only in remembrance of former days." Edith:'"! sec--sort of souvenir spoon!" "I was just telling my daughter," said Mrs. Noosens, " that it's really a shame for her to play the piano on Sunday." " Why did you mention Sunday particularly?" asked "Mrs. .Peppery, "Never sleep on an empty stomach," said the doctor. "I never do," returned the man. " But I thought you said --" —- " Always sleep on my side," he explained. And the consultation proceeded, Scene—Light Lunch, after a Private Function.—Dyspeptic Gent.: "H'm, I'm afraid we shall have to put a curb upon our appetites." The Colonel (jovially): "Well, 1 intend to put a bit in my mouth!" Doctor: "Well, John, how are you today?" John: "Verra bad, verra bad. I wish Providence 'ud 'ave mussy on me an' take me I" Wife: "'Ow can you expect it to if you won't take the doctor's physic?" | " Well, Tommy, did you enjoy the.party | last night?" " Yes, thanks, grandpa—it was ripping!" "I suppose you kissed all the little girls, eh?" "Pooh, no; but me and j Johnny Jones had. three fights, and 1 licked { him every time!"