ODD STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLII, Issue 12833, 5 April 1905, Page 2 (Supplement)

ODD STORIES.

—T~ PRESENCE p MIND. . > A good story, is told -I- a man HIU I his * wife who were in a raiWy accident. ,* ■ She was telling the -ifcident later on to W|| friend, and this is her prsion of it:—"We were suddenly thrown pit oil to the em-K|t bankment. John said to me: 'Are you hurt:' I, said: '.Not- bit.' Then he up with his fist and gave 0 a black eye, and. we. claimed £100 dam ?es. Now,. I call that real presence, of n) \d. ( ONLY ENOUGI POP. ONE. Father Walters, of Ch '-ago, a very strong temperance advocate. . ' lis the following story on '. himself. ..'He mot ona of his parishioners entering a fa-loon. " You aie not going in there, are yiu, Mike?" he asked. = "Your reverence! I am." ~ T 'My ; brother," he said, " do-|ou know that the . devil is going in with- voij?" 1 "Sure, then.' was the reply, " he'll. Into 'to pay for his own drink, for I've only bough for one.". RETURNED WITH THANKS.' /. There a:*t, of course, Various tfavs of returning a- manuscript/, bpt it is probable that the following-iustancete' Unique.YWhile Sir , Alfred Harniswoi tli %s actively en-.' gaged in editorial work ,onejbf his contributors was amazed one day!on opening an. envelope to find the following brief note:-,-., " Dear Sir,—The superscription, to your MMS. seems to best, express) our reason for refusal. —Yours, etc." . 1 On examination.the title>»age was found . to read as follows:—"His GteafcSin, about, fivd thousand' words." f I 1 '•*" ■ t SURE TO BE ELECTED. It is told of an eccentric and eloquent Scottish divine that lie onto met a couple of his parishioners at the house of a lawyer notorious for his sharp practice; • and of whos« honesty the minister had no great- opinion. ; Said the lawyer jocularly, but : ungraciously, "Doctor, these are members of your liock. May I ask, do you look: upon them as white sheep or black sheep?" ' "I don't know," replied, tha • reverend doctor, drily, "whethen they aiv black or white sheep, but I do know that if they are long here they are pretty sure to be fleeced." ERRORS IN COMPLIMENTS. • "It is always a fatal, mistake -to pay a compliment to a woman -at • the expense of her good looks," said Israel Zangvvill. "At a dinner party I attended;in icindon last season. a young English swell, tvas caught in the trap of conscientious compliment. It so happened that he was seated at the table between a distinguished authoress and a famous, beauty. In an effort to be agreeable to both ladies he said,: — ; , - "'Am I not fortunate" in being, thus placed between beauty and talent?' ~i,;; i "'Not so very fortunate,.? replied the authoress with a black look, 'since you.posses neither one nor the other.'"' ... ON HIS BIG TOE. * A young ladv went out to India to join her husband. She was of rather an inquisitive nature, and after a while became curious to see how the cooking was carried on. Her husband, however, told her that natives were best left alone, as their ways were not our ways. A short time after the young wife gave a. tea party, and, thinking-!to herself there could not possibly be -more than one way of cutting bread and butter,' she determined to steal into the kitchen arid watch them. Entering quietly, she saw at the far end of the room a dusky.native employed in cutting bread and butter. 'One dirty arm encircled the loaf of bread, while in his right hand he held a huge, clasp knife. But where was the butter? | Casting her eyes downwards, she beheld. tha missing article reposing on his big toe, to which he frequently applied, his knife. The lady's feelings maybe) better imagined than described! •■ ' *-'• ■ ' :ti- Jj . . ~-i '- ,w. A QUESTION OF' ACCENT. —Q Francis Wilson says that' Maurice anymore once made the rounds of the offices of the theatrical managers -in London, trying to get them to put on a new play that Barrymore himself had written! One of the managers to whom Barrymore had read the play seemed much, impressed. , Before their interview had ended it had been decided to give the piece an early production, and to have Barrymore "do " the leading role. About a week after what Barrymore had supposed, was the definitely agreed-upon arrangement had been) reached, the actor received a. note from! the . manager .asking him to call. . When Barrymore responded to the summons the manager said: " I like the play, old fellow, and I'm going to give it a fine , production; but, really, I don't. see how I can use you in the cast. Your beastly American accent won't do at all, you know. They won't like it here." •., ■ - "That's odd," said Barrymore; "they tell me on the other side. .that I won't do on account of my beastly English accent. What on earth am, I to do— recitations on the Trans-Atlantic steamers?— Harper's Weekly." ' , I. SPONTANEOUS IRISH WIT. American travellers' in- Ireland make a points of extracting spontaneous Irish wit, and often are rewarded. Gyrus W. Field, of Atlantic cable fame, once stopped a peasant to make inquiries about Blarnev Castle. <; Receiving the information, he gave the Irishman the following conundrum: — •'••••» •• "Now, Mike, suppose,that Lucifer was sure of us both: Which, would he take first, do you think?" ' The Irishman looked thoughtfully for a moment, then said: " Yer konor, I think he'd take me." '' • f "Why?" • asked Field." ' "Because he's always.sure' of yon." On another occasion a !wel|-known American writer "for young people, upon landing at Queenstowu, was on the alert to hear an Irish -bull or some witty remark. She took an express train to Dublin direct, which did not stop at any other station oil the way. Several persons mistook the train, and rose to get off wheii nearing one of the way stations. ; 1 ! . "Keep yer. sates!" ' roared the' conductor. "Keep yer sates!! This train niver stops at all." //y ■1 •< NOT A "LIGHT" DRINK. A passenger on a .mail-stage in northern Colorado was amused by »■ dialogue which was sustained upon tho ■ on-: side .by the driver, and upon the other by an, elderly passenger, evidently,a native, of the region.* "I understand you're temperance?" . be* gan the driver. • , : "Yes. I'm pretty strong.against liquor," returned the 0ther..,.." I've been set against i' ; " now for 35 years." "Soared it will ruin your- health?" "Yes; but- that.isn't the'main thing." " Perhap: it don't agree with you?" ventured th: driver. : ' • ; ■■ " Well, it really don't agree with anybody. But that a in'": it; either.'- The thing that sets rue against it is a horrible idea.'■ "A horrible idea! What is it.?" " Wei!, 35 vears igo I was sitting in a hotel in Denve„"with a-friend'-of mine, and I says : ' Let's order a bottle!of •omethiag,' and lie says: 'No, sir.i.'l'ii saving mv money to buy Qovernnien* land 'it one dol- . lar and a-quarter- an acre, Fin going to buy to-morrow, and you'd better le ( mo take the money you would have spent for the liquor and buy a couple of acres along with mine.' '1 says: '.All right.' So w didn't drink, and he bought me two acres." "Well, sir; to-day thpse twr ! acres are light in the middle of a flourishing town ; and if I'l taken tlur drink Fd have swallowed a city block, ; grocery-store, an apothecary's,, four lawyers' offices, and it's hard to-say what else. That's the idea. j Ain't it horrible?"