ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLI, Issue 12698, 29 October 1904, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"Auntie, I want' to ride on a donkey." " Jack, give him a carry on your back."

' Giles (on seeing the sentry on his first visit to the camp) : "Mornin', cipting— goin' shoot in'?" -,-

. ''What is 'unspeakable joy,' pa?"' " A kind of happiness th.it a, woman never knows, my son."

He: ''And you mean to say the. doctor has given you up, and yet.you.are recovering?'' She: "'Yes; he left off calling. yesterday,"; ... ~_.,.'• - ■ _ -'.--,' ...

May: "Do" you think one should marry for love or for money?" Chaperon: "My dear, love is an excuse for marriage, but money is a justification."

• There is something radically wrong about the woman who opens a telegram as calmly as she does an envelope that she knows contains her grocer's bill.

Vicar's Daughter: '.'Well, John, I see you are looking as young as ever." John: •' Yes, miss, thankee.'. .'An they tell me I'll soon be an octogerahium." . '

'-"•What does '.PuS.V.P.' stand for?" "Well, . to judge by .parties : I -have been to I diotild say meant, 'Rush in, Shake " bands, Victual iip, and Proceed home."-' ', ,/'

" Have you read my new book?'' "No; I'm sick and have to be careful." "When do you think you'll be able to read it?" " My dear friend, I'm in the hands of my physician!"

Father (who has been helping a son in his school work) : "What did your master say when you showed him the' translation':" Johnny : " He said I was getting more stupid every day."

"What is there for breakfast this morning? Not ham and eggs again, I hope?" remarked the- hungry boarder' to the servant. " No, sir— not ham and eggs to-day," "Thank goodness! What is It, then?" " Only ham, sir."

Stranger: "Ah, you dc not recognise me!" Podge: "No, I don't!" Stranger: " All, I thought so- I'm the wretched man that eloped with your daughter three months ago. Take her back, sir, and all will be forgiven!''

Johnnie : " I say, papa, what's the meaning of looking out for number one?" Papa: "That's a phrase we apply to selfish, calculating people, Johnny. But in the case of a. widow we say she's looking out for Number two."

Overheard in the conservatory.—The Man: "Is that . your '■ husband? He looks jealous." The Woman: " Ohj, uo, he isn't; I wish he would be sometimes, but I can't. make him." The Man:". 1 " think that if wo put our heads together we might do it."

Dornail : "Do you believe that Professor Tympanum, the car doctoij i« ae clever as they say?" Jopes: "Oh, yes; why, my sister had been stone deaf for months, and she went to him, and the very next week she heard from her husband in India.

Loud-voiced Sergeant: "Now, Macpherson, you long-limbed, raw-boned, fog-fea-tured scarecrow, eyes right! Bo smart, you dunderhead, and if you're not shot you'll be a soldier one day, like me."' Macpherson: "Like yon, sergeant? 'Deed, ye make me long for the risks of battle."

" The Professor: "And is it not a melancholy reflection that the unfortunate genius this gorgeous marble commemorates should have wanted bread?" The Professor's Nephew; "Did he •.•ea,lly?" The Professor: "Yes. He died,' alas! of starvation." The Professor's Nephew (irrelevantly): "H'm! I see, he asked for bread, and they gave him a' stone."- ' '