LOCAL GOSSIP.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLI, Issue 12698, 29 October 1904, Page 1 (Supplement)

LOCAL GOSSIP.

, f Its* me hare audience for a word or two." ' . ' —Shakespere. IKB sensation of the week has been Admiral Vodka's great victory over the herring fleet in the North Sea. When the fishermen armed themselves with bundles of fish and prepared to bombard the ironclads of the nervous Armada, Admiral Vodka quaffed a deep draught, of bis favourite liquor and swore by the great god Deinzekatgutskv and the .Little Father that " these 'ere ships 'ill fly tut of the sea as soon as I," and ordered his delirium tremensian gunners to open lire. After expending all their ammunition in shelling the. fishing boats the nervous Armada sailed away to report the glorious news* to the Tsar and •■the great Russian people," leaving two of "the enemy" dead and others struggling for life in the water. I nope the mighty autocrat of all (lie Russia* felt his manly bosom swell with Muscovite pride at this brilliant achievement of Ids invincible fleet:. As for "the great Russian people," the press censors, fearing that the transports of joy at this* signal success would prove too much for them after their long train oi misfortunes in the Far East, are considerately breaking the news to them in homoeopathic doses. I suppose it is for the same reason that St. Petersburg lias not been illuminated and the great bell of Moscow set a-ringing.

Mr. Seuuou is losing his telephonic ear, y otherwise he would never have brought down his milksop resolution about this un- : speakable outrage, as Lord Roseberv describes it. It was, no doubt, intended"to be diplomatic after the conventional manner, and as a maiden effort at this sort of thing was not more clumsy than was t« be looked for; but it struck with jarring sound an utterly false mote. It failed hopelessly togive expression to public opinion, and was therefore both mischievous and misleading If I might venture to give a word of advice to the Premier I should strongly recommend' him to leave grave international matters to be settled by the Imperial Government I am quite sure that ho could discover a less impolitic way of keeping his name before the British people. Had be, for in- : stance, quietly cabled 50 to the Mayor of Hull for the relief fund which has been opened, it would have done more honour to his heart and head and would have served -=:■! better the purpose he had in view.

•Mr, Garland, the chairman of the Houprtal and Charitable Aid Board, made an interesting confession before the Hospital Commission this week. He admitted that » was no!) able "to keep the ten commandments. " From his success in keeping oa the Board I thought he was able to keen anything. • r

-A visitor from the countrv remarked the other day that the electric traracaxs were making the people of Auckland too lazy to walk. That may be, but we have not yet reached that glorified state of indolence* of the bcotch minister in the North of whom the following s*e*y is told .—His excellent spouse remarked to him. at breakfast, "Minister, there's a. bit of butter on your neckcloth" "Well, wee*, Janet, mv dear," slowly ■ responded the worthy pastor, "when I set 9p it'll fa' off!" 6 '

it is time that, wo had a Board of Health for the city and suburbs, a. real, live, active Board that would see. that nuisances dangerous to the public health were not permitted to exist. At present, it does not appear to, he anybody's business to see to these things. For some days past a horrible smell has . hovered over the region of Mechanic' Bay. Yon can detect it as you rush past in the tramcar. I. am told it castes from an old sewer that has been in some way disturbed by the blasting operations that are going on in the neighbourhood. .So pungent and sickening is it that I have seen Maoris hold their noses as they went past. Yet nothing is clone. ; This is disgraceful. Then there are the sanitary arrangements in some parts of Parnell and Newmarket.' lam assured they ! are scandalous. Nor is it quite certain that the sources of some 01 cur suburbs'.waiter supply is not in danger of becoming polluted owing to the carrying cm of offensive trades, etc., within the catchment area. The irritating part of the whohbusiness is that while everybody agrees | that it is impossible to overrate the import- , ance of the subject it doesn't seem to fee anybody's business to move in the matter.

Labour Day has passed, but two young men will hereafter associate it with an incident which may, perhaps, teach them to mind their own business. .Jogging along in a sulky on the road from Onebunga to Wtahuhu they espied two girls cantering -swards them on the lonely way. In passing the driver gave a stinging cut with ms whip on the flank of the nearest horse, making him wince, but, being a steady animal, he was restrained from bolting under the sudden blow. Taking the cowardly cut as an ; insult to herself, the lady wheeled he horse round, pursued th £ trap' and gave m offender a slash across the face with the switch she carried; being a person of muism and mettle the mark was certain to remain for a day or two. Then she dismounted, and .picking up a, piece of road metal, threw it at one of them, striking him on the KM*. The twain in the vehicle, thinking things were getting sultry, lost no time in Making track?. It is well that some ladies can turn the tables on the larrikin, mounted or otherwise.

Tie Lev. Mr. Robertson sets himself a truly Herculean task when he proposes to weed oat all the "trash" from the lending m ™JJ- He might as well attempt to clear ,» held of nut grass. The library is full of I drive! because the literature of to-dav is for the most part drivel. M. Jules Verne some time ago made the rather startling prophecy taat the novel in 50 or 100 years would bo non-existent. I don't believe it. But I am quite prepared to believe thai; in 50 years everybody will be writing novels, wiule nobody will be reading them. I am poking forward however, to the time when a. 1 iibranes will disappear. In the words of ! le mimit'ible Bangs, it is mv impression that the literature of. that period will be educed by pills taken before retiring and acting immediately thereafter. The man wno wants a poem or a certain kind will Wallow what, foi the lack of a better term, w rmaj call "The fred Austen Pellet," and live the resulting poem in his dreams. Alien there will be " Cable's Capsules for 'Jreepy Creatures," each guaranteed to conjam ten grains of gloom, and absolutely iree from humour, lightness, sunshine, or ■J>thei deleterious substances, and which, taken three times s day, will enable every man to be his own "Manxman." Some ■clever draggis* will meet the literary necessities of the hour, and put un all the litemture thai anybody car possibly want in small doses, in every variety, and a* a price which will bring it* within" the reach of all. It Will oe 0 great boon, and will enable thousands of men who might otherwise have been novelists, poets, or playwright.-, to turn their back on letters and take up some really useful occupation.

A good deal of high falutin' is spoken ?;. about the hardihood 0/ the earlv settlers r *£ New Zealand, bu' the spirit of'brass and the arms of steel are bv no means rare in l:j™°,settlers of North 'Auckland to-day. While n,, Awaroa nilcrnms were journeying H;,pp to the Wairua Falls a distant hill came ; into view, and someone who knew the conntry said there, was a small clearing and a cottage. A vounir Auckland man and his wife lived there, and their nearest neighbour was 20 miles away. The voting fellow -first built the house, came to Auckland for . .ns sweetheart, married her. and look her i'P to her lorielv home. Tin's little story .:« respectfully commended to the girl that t»n't leave avt mother or Queen-street. Mercxjtio.