ODD STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLI, Issue 12602, 17 June 1904, Page 2 (Supplement)

ODD STORIES.

QUITE SIMPLE. I asked a well-known collaborator th« other day, says the theatrical writer in Truth, how dual writing was done, because I wished to know if there was any truth in the old story that the one author merely walks up and down the room smoking expensive cigars, while the other works. ■ He assured me, though, the process was quite simple. "I," he said, " cut out all that he writes, and he cuts out all that I write. What's left then pleases us both." HIS ANIMAL PROGRESS. In babyhood his mother called him » " kitten; " the neighbours called him a "little monkey!" When at- college he was commonly dubbed a calf" the girls sometimes termed him a "puppy!" After he left college he became, according to his friends, a " gay dog;" according to his enemies, a " beast !" In business he war referred to as a " sly fox; "though his competitors labelled him a "wolf!" In Wall-street he was a " bull"— times a " bear." In hi? love affairs he was a "perfect tiger;" *?' soma said, howevei, a "perfect donkey!"

THE RIVAL WIGMAKERS. A London wigmaker named Clarkson had Sir Henry -'Irving as a customer. One of his clerks: used to carry the wigs to Sir Henry, who, taking a fancy' to him, employed him as a dresser. In time he found that the young man was a genius at wigmaking, so Clarkson lost a customer. He could not understand Vhy, until, dropping into the theatre, one afternoon, be found the dressei in on Henry's room, and learned from him that he made Sir Henry's ' wigs. Clarkspn, taking up a new wig from the table, said:—"ls this a specimen pf ;yop|f work?" The dxeper admitted that'•' it was. " And do you really think," continued Clarkson, holding it at arm's length, i "that this thing looks like a wig?" •: "No,; sir;; I don't sir," retorted the dresser; " I think }it|lqoka like |he 'air of the 'uman 'eadi •'"" c - -* ; - '"' \„

LADYLIKE. "Frances," said the little girl's mamma, ■who wai entertaining callers, "you came'; downstairs so noisily that you could be heard all over the house. You know how to do it better than that. Now g& bade and come down the stairs like a lady." ■-'-.n Frances retired, and after a lapse ot a few minutes, re-entered the parlour. __ rt Did you hear ine come downstairs this time,: mamma?" - '*■■* ' " No, dear. -.--I am glad you came down quietly. Now don't let me ever have to fell you again not ,to come down noisily, fpr I Bee that ypu- can coin© down quietly if you will.* Now tell these ladies how yon managed to come down like a lady;; the second time, while the first time, you made such a noise.' ** , ' v f:" Thfj last time I down the banisters," eslaimed Frances. *■ 4- 4

SMART SAYINGS. Sqme smart sayings by men of the Ox« ford Movement 1 ait; reported by Mr. T. H. ;k .PL Escott, in the Lelsai® Hour. Here is one about Bishop Wilberforce, of saponaceous "Bishop," said ? little girl, nestling up to him, " why do they call you Soapy Sam V "Because, my dear" (patting her head*, "I zrti always getting into hot; water, and always come out with my hands clean." " Here is another by Liddon to the first head of Keble College. The then Viceroy of Egypt, Ismail Pasha, had sent his sonHassan to. study at Oxford. Dr. Talbot, a fine scholar but. a bad coachman, took hira out for a drive and upset the. vehicle into a ditch, ensuring a great shaking to its occupants. A few days later Dr. Talbot driving by himself, met Liddon, walking, and offered him a lift. In a moment cam© the witty answer:—« Wilt thou slay me as thou didst the Egyptian yesterday?'' WHISPER OF LOVE. At a certain. seaside resort, where there are theatres on the pier, acting is sometimes carried on with difficulty, owing to the untimely whoppings of the "sirens" of the pleasure steamers as they arrive and depart. One evening a very tender love scene, beig played amid the profound silence of a eply sympathetic audience, : was grossly interrupted, something like the following taking place:-— ' ~ s ' fie: '"I love you. Tell me, could you love me in return?" . . * She (timidly): "Frank, do not ?sk me." lie: But must. My life depends upon your answer. Whisper it in my ear, darling; whisper it sweet and low."' fc ' A siren {outside): WijQ,oo-00-00-hee-he*. poo: And £ great roar of laughter from tb<> audience, in which the lovers joined heart!and turned the remainder of a very agreeable little comedy into » rollicking faYce^^ " ~~~ —- ——— ———— EXHAUSTED HIS PATIENCE. " «i < ?i.i MaM ?A inhia mw edition of hit " Builders of Our Law," tell., an excellS story of Sjr James Bacon. "««• : The Vice-chancellor was addressed hr a very deaf member of the Bar, to whom "his' questions and observation?; were quite inaudible. solicitor instructing the deaf barrister endeavoured to mend matters bv shouting the judge's words into his ear in a strident voice that could be heard in the - corridors. Irritated at the bad English in which his Observations were repeated, the -Vice-iChaa-cellor sought to render the Services of the interpreter unnecessary by addressing the advocate with the full strength of his lungs. # lhe solicitor, failing to appreciate his objetib, repeated his observations in a louder i TO.ice than before, and the proceedings began to asume the complexion of a'shouting match. j. ° : _;"Whp is conducting this case,' asked the Vice-Chancelloi, his patience at last exhausted, "the gentleman whom I cannot hea? ; or the gentleman who cannot heat mitt" ,"■ ' " ; ':

TABLE EMBARRASSMENTS. V/' ; 'l One of the most fertile sources of embar- ' rassment is to be offered a dish with the composition of winch you arc not familiar, or Which you don't 'enow exactly how to manipulate. I shall never forget iho awful experience I went through years ago it .'. very stylish dinner, when J tried to eat the sort of paper box in which porfifOTi ftf pinion were served. On another occasion, in a fit of absent- ■ miindedness, I put a large spoonful of ice 'Wjdling jp|o my jnputh, thinking it was not. Over the sequel 1 'draw a veil. We all of us have done foolish things in the past, : and I only allude to, the episode in order that- ] it may serve as a danger signal to my Ireaders. ■• .■ : '!;",''; :; ',■. ■fi:%. ; y\ ' < i W:, : v '"■ '':"■!.:! \v. ■'.■'>: I It is consoling, however, to know that per- '■> sons of high rani' ana noble birth do not ~ J escape these unpleasantnesses. For instance, ) j there was a foreign Count, 1 think he came from Circassia or some such place, who was , i invited to stay at Lord Highctere's, and ' when they brought him hot water in the morning, not knowing what to do with it, fe< drank itPunch.

—, HE "WAS NOT A MUDDIED OAF. ' There was a -satisfied look on the face of a Huntingdonshire youth alter a football match a Saturday or two ago. He > had ■-'•'';.; pinned a flower in his coat, and an it'll-cost-yqu-threßpence-to-speakjto-miß-now, expression or; } his features. f ■ sto/sk had ' evidently - ,:=if; gone up a point. *' I was tolling a stranger ,', just how I kicked that goal,this afternoon," hq remarked to. two friends, *, "and he inter- %'. v f rupted nie by -7 saying he'd seen the match, and my style reminded him very,: much of -, \ Munchausen."* . "' Qettjng at yqu ft bit," observed one of the listeners. "' . ,' ■: " Not he. Ho was quite serious. Seemed , .; to know yhat ha was. Wising; about, too." 5 '* Did you knock him down?" " Knock him down! What for!" . *'; % \ Why, man alive, the chap ho was speaking about was one of "the 1 biggest Kara that * ■ _.*•; ever stepped. It was your style of ■< tolling a tale that'fellow was referring to, not ypurgf||!J football form." "What!" was the exclamation, as ;a-fighJs||j|||| ing light sprung into the deluded; youth's '"',:!• ;;jl eyes. J; ■* Well, I am a chump! ■?• I stoodjfiat fellow -drinks and a couple of cigars, thinking Munchausen played foe on© of tbo fir ß * i&fcS league clubs l"- , ;■;