ODD STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XLI, Issue 12468, 12 January 1904, Page 3

ODD STORIES.

SATISFIED. 1

diE grey-haired .stranger bent over the desk, j " Are you the society editor?" he question- j id. ' ! " I am. ' 1 " Arc yoi' the person who wrote up the ac- . count of last night's big reception?" : "Yes; anything wrong with it-" i " That's what X want to find out. Look here. You notice that in speaking of my j daughter you use this paragraph: —'She" wept about the room with an inneritcd grace that arrested every one's attention?' Now, what was your purpose in writing that?' j Why, it struck me as a first-class opportunity for a neat compliment to her esteemed parents ; that's all." " You're sure that you didn't mean to insinuate that her father laid the foundation of . Iris fortune by selling brooms?" ; " Certainly not.." " Because I did, you know." " I didn't know it." " Then that's all rijfnt. Good day."—Gassell's Saturday Journal. TWO GOOD STORIES. Some of the stories told at the Colchester oyster feast the other evening were excellent ■ of their hind. Sir C'arne R.aseh, responding to the toast of " Our National Defences," deprecated long speeches, and he recalled the ; speech of the man who asserted, in reply to j interruptions, that he was speaking to pos- ' terity. "Yes," somebody called out. '.'and ; if you go on much longer posterity will soon ' be here." ! Another story recalled the time when a j Duke of Waterfoid interrupted a tedious ] speech of the Bishop of London. The Duke ; pointed his interruption by relating that the previous midnight he passed St. Paul's in company with a. friend who was the worse for refreshment. The friend, hearing the cathedral beil chime twelve, paused, looked up solemnly to the dome, and then remarked, " Hang it all, why couldn't you say that all at once''" HUMOURS OF THE CAB RANK. The late Sir Augustus Harris was once being driven in » hired cab. Upon his bag was printed "Augustus Harris, T.R., D.L." It meant Theatre Royal, Drurv Lane, but cabby took it for some learned degree borne by a. fare who would be readily " bilked." When Sir Augustus handed him his fare he j looked at the amount in disdain. " The," ho said, "call yourself a T.R.D.L. ! Yer no more a bloomin' T.R.D.L. than J am!" Two ladies iD black sat trembling in a, cab in Paris' Past them streamed a shrieking mob, rushing to trie sack of the Tuileries, a.nd to the proclamation of the French Republic at the Hotel de Ville. Did the driver of that cab dream that one of his " fares" was the dethroned Empress Eugenie fleeing for life?'' Cabby knows his ares more often than the faro imagines. Two gentlemen alighted from a nansom in the Blackfriars Road. One of them held out a generous fee to the driver. " No, sir, beggin' your pardon, sir," said the jarvey, " I've had too much pleasure listening to your lecture to take any moue_ from your pocket—proud to have driven you, sir." The " fare" was Thomas Huxley, come to address a meeting of workingmen. Merewether, the witty lawyer, was also known to cabmen. One of them looked at the shilling he offered one night. " Rather a long shilling to-night. My. Merewethcr, I think." "I should have thought, not," said the lawyer, taking the piece in his hand. "No, I should have said it was about as broad as it's long." So thought another passenger, only more so. He got a man sentenced to a month's hard labour for charging him a five-mile fare for a three-mile ride. When the man had gone " down" he had (lie distance measured. It was exactly seven miles.—St. James' Gazette. OLD WOMAN'S " BISHOP" DREAM. The Bishop of Carlisle in the course of a speech has told the following story about himself. When he was a curate there resided in his district an old lady who was in poor circumstances, and he occasionally gave her a small sum of money. As time went on he stopped, and the old lady dropped him various broad hints. On visiting her one day she exclaimed, "Oh, Mr. Bardsley, I was dreaming about you last night." Wishing to know the nature of the dream, he gave her a shilling, and she informed him that she hud dreamed he was a bishop. He told the story to his vicar, who replied, " Dont let that trouble you. She has had that same dream several times, and has told it to all my curates." BISMARCK TRAPPED BY AN ACTRESS. An amusing story of Bismarck, who while on holiday at. Isc'il made the acquaintance of Mile. L—, a charming actress, "celebrated alike for her genius and the rigid correctness of her conduct," is told in Mr. Peat's " Gossip from Paris during the Second Empire." One day Bismarck accompanied thelady to the photographer's and chatted till • he was warned to stand 011 one side, " as otherwise," explained the photographer, " the picture of your Excellency will appear in the picture nigh to that of the prima donna." "Mademoiselle!" exclaimed the terrified diplomatist, retreating precipitately. "Oh, pray remain where you are ; the photograph is intended for the fiance, and he will be so much flattered by the honour," etc., etc. M. de Bismarck, could not refuse, and thus it happened that the Prime Minister and the Italian cantatrioo appeared in the same ' carte-de-visile." The absurd part of the story is, that the Prussian police, imagining that the result had been obtained by cutting out the separate portraits of the personages with a malicious intent, have seized the copies solo at Berlin, notwithstanding which | the photograph '/as leached Paris and is to I be purchased 011 the boulevards. ! THEATRICAL. j A well-known London theatrical manager I tells a good story at the expense of a local ! theatre, whose "Standing room only" sign is no longer needed. One night, after the curtain was rung up. a small boy was discovered sobbing in front of the box-oflice. The manager of the theatre went to the lad, and kindly asked him what the trouble was. " I want my money back 1" sobbed the boj in answer to the query. In surprise, the manager asked his reasor for such a request. " Because—because I'm afraid to sit up ii the gallery all alone!" he. wailed. j His money was returned. i — j A VILLAGE CLERGYMAN'S STORY. j Walking along a. lane one day, ;• village j rector noticed an old .nan in front of hin I hobbling along as fast as his legs could can] j him, and apparently trying to escape him j Seeing that it was one. of bis congregation ; who had not been to church of late," the vica ! hurried after him, and soon caught him up j "Hiuio, John," said he, "how is it tlui j I haven't sceu you at church lately?" ! At first the rector could get nothing ou of him, but after a little persuasion h I said : — I Well, zir, it. be your youngest darter j Nelly, 1 be afeared of." | " hat. afraid of Nelly, a girl of nineteen i and only just returned from school." j " Yes, zir. You see," replied John, " whe j 1 went cortin' an old to: chin-teller told m las ow I should be spliced three times. Firs : to a gray, an' then to a yaller, an'then to i ginger. Now, when I hurried my poo yeller Sally tin months ago, an' your dai tei wi' the ginger 'air coined 'ome fror schule, I says to myself, I says, 'That's er that's the ginger 'un ; an' if I don't kee away from church, she'll nab me.'" LEWIS' VICTORY. Mr. Lewis had just, come in from his clul j fie appeared in the best of humours, and hi wife soon found out why. " \ ou've heard me speak of Stafford haven i you?" he asked. "The man who knows so much about tli , tariff.'" ventured Mis. Lewis. [ "The man who talks so much about it, ; I Lewis corrected. Well, we had a lon [ j argument about it this evening, and 1 can" > j out ahead." 5 I "You did!" said Mrs. Lewis, in a flut-tc . j of delight. £ " Yes ; I got him to admit that he kuov i no more about it than 1 do."