ODD STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XL, Issue 12401, 14 October 1903, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODD STORIES.

HOW IT CAME ABOUT. The American man, woman, or child who can boast of having shaken hands with the President is proud, and this pride is proportionately increased by the number of times the Presidential hand has been shaken by the same individual. During his recent tour President Roosevelt spent a quiet Sunday at Sharon Springs, Kansas, where he attended the Methodist Episcopal Church. After the service the President held an impromptu reception for the congregation, and shook hands with every man, woman, and child in it. One of the last to come up was a small girl, who put out her hand with some diffidence.. x

The President looked at her closely. "Haven't I seen you before?" be asked. " Yes, sir," said the small one, withdrawing her hand and putting her finger in her mouth.

"I thought so," said the President, "I know there are only about 200 people here, and vet I am sure 1 have shaken hands with at least 800."

* ENHANCING PROFITS. "H'm," said old GiSsefist to the obliging bookseller, "so you want a guinea for this book, eh? It's a lot of money, man. Still, I think that being an author myself I am entitled to a reduction."

" Yes, sir, certainly," said the bookman. " Moreover," continued Closefist, " being a personal friend of the author, I think 1 should have a little more discount, eh?" The bookseller contemplated his profit with a sigh ; but said he thought he could allow it.

"And, again," went on Closefist, "I have dealt at this shop for many years. Can you not favour me a little more on that account?"

" Oh, here, sir," cried the stupefied shopkeeper, " take the book, and consider we owe you half-a-crown! I think that should satisfy all claims."

LEFT IN PEACE* AND PIECES.

" Please, sir," said the new office boy, "I took this letter where you told me to, but the lady wasn't in, so I've brought it back." "Brought it back, have you?" fumed the irate merchant. " What d'yer mean by doing that? You don't, seem to have any more sense than a hard-boiled egg. Take it again, and if she isn't in leave it in the letter-box, or.push it under the door ; leave it somewhere—go ; go, before I bite you !" Presently the youth returned, and a satisfied expression was in his eye. " You left it this time, eh, Solomon, jun. V queried the merchant. "Yessir," said 1 the sparkling lad, "I couldn't reach the letter-box, and it wouldn't go under the door, so I tore it in pieces and bunged it through the keyhole, sir. Was that right, sir?"

PREFERRED WHISKERS AND WEALTH. The scene was a hairdresser's saloon, and a man with a far-away look was being plastered with slimy soap by a lather-boy with doubtful finger-nails. Suddenly the door was flung open and an angry creditor confronted the man with the far-away look. "Now, Mr. Neverpay," he cried, "I don't think you can escape me! Where is my money?" "My dear fellow," said Neverpay, "pray don't make a scene here. Think, you may wound the tender feelings of the lather-boy. Will you not wait till I am shaved for your money?" " Well, I don't mind that," said the irate one. "Very good," said Neverpay, rising from the chair of torture. "As you have promised, before witnesses, to wait till I am shaved for your money, I think after all I'll grow a beard." And he did. SAME EXPERIENCE. " Sir," said the seedy-looking individual, glancing furtively out of the corner of his eye at the policeman who was just disappearing round the corner; "sir, you may grudge me the trifle which I arsk, but think, only think of the misery of my position." " Haven't got time to think," snapped the well-dressed pedestrian, hurrying onwards. "Ah! but just give me a moment, sir," continued the other, falling into step ; " consider the contrast between your lot and mine. You have nevah known what it is to have the world turn against vou, to see your old friends cross the road to avoid you, to find every door shut in your face, to be, in short, an outcast shunned by everyone— a man who is not wanted." Ain't I," replied the prosperous one, who was cast in rather a vulgar mould, "guess 1" have, though." " Sir, you jest with me," remonstrated the unfortunate one. "Nary a jest," was.the answer, " all solid fact." "Whatever are you, then?" inquired the seedy individual. " A sewing-machine agent," retorted the other; and the beggar, with a. shudder, dropped back and let him pass on alone. — Liverpool Post. ALL-ROUND CURES. "Twere anew Governor to Newfoundland, and lie were shocking careful of the sealers' health," began the old sealing captain, his deep-set eyes twinkling. " The night before the North Star left Sen John's for the ice ho came aboard t' i inquire what for medicine cliist we had. 'You had ought to have a ship's doctor aboard her with two "hundred men shipped,' says he. ' Who. gives out the medicine "'The cook, o' course,' I answers. 'But I'm sarten o' one thing, Governor,' I says,, 'there's nothing' there that's pizen.' "'How do you know?' he asks pretty sharp. "' Well,' I answers, 'a man comes runnin' to the cook and he says, " My chum's sick, and I want some medicine for he." The cook never asks 110 questions as to what's ailin'. He grabs up the first bottle lie gits Lis 'and on and pours out some in a cup. If you don't do the man's cliuni no good, he comes back and the cook pours something out of another bottle, and so on till he strikes something that 'elps him. That's why I know there's no-thin' pizen in that'' chist, or the cook would 'ave killed 'arf of 'em twenty v'yges — Lippiucott. CARRIED OUT. Mark Twain settled the great servant problem some years ago, so far as concerned his own domestics. When the famous humorist was building his house he quite astonished the architect by insisting that the kitchen should be placed on the ground Hour, on a level with the entrance door, and with windowsgood large windows —overlooking it. " Buta kitchen facing the hall door? I never heard of such a thing !" protested the surprised architect. "No, I daresay not," observed Mark Twain; "you see, it is my own original idea." " But what, is the idea?" " Oh, that's very simple. I want the cook and other servants in the kitchen to be able to see everybody who calls. Directly the bell rings, they'll look out of the window, without leaving their work, and see who it is and what they are wearing The work will get done, the dinner won't be spoiled, time will be saved, and the maids will be happy and stay on with us. Under the old plan the poor souls were always running up and down the kitohon stairs to allay their curiosity. That wasted time and spoiled everything." And the humorist's famous home at Hartford was actually built with the kitchen on l the ground floor, overlooking the entrance. i INGENIOUS BUT DISHONEST. A well-dressed man was standing outside a bookseller's shop on the Boulevards, closely examining one of Balzac's works illustrated by Gustave Dore. "How much this Balzac?" he asked an assistant. "Forty francs," was the reply. "Oh ! that's far too much. I must see the master about a reduction," continued the prospective customer, and, suiting the action to the word, he took up the book and went into the shop. i

Approaching the bookseller, he took the book from under his arm, and asked what he would give for it. "Twenty-five francs highest offer," he was told. The offer was accepted, the man took his money, and left. " Well," queried the assistant after he had gone. " Were you able to hit it off with the gentleman, sir'/" " Oh, yes, I managed to get another copy of that edition of Balzac for only 25 francs'." When the situation was explained to him, the bookseller cursed heartily, after which he lodged a complaint with the police.