ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XL, Issue 12266, 9 May 1903, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Many a profit is without honour even in its own business.

Jokes where you see the point are always much funnier than those where you feel it.

We could get along better with the inevitable if it would make reasonable concessions.

There is no disputing the fact that many people get more or less enjoyment dub of their grievances.

The burglar spends half his time studying how he can break in and the other half how he can break out. }.

His Dog: " How is the courtship going on*f" Her Dog: "Not very fast. They still talk about books."

"They say she has absolutely no leisure in her married life." " No; she married her husband to reform him."

Edna: "What do you suppose makes Tom write such gushing letters'?" Kate: '' Oh, I suppose he uses a fountain pen."

Schoolmaster : " Now, Rogers, what are you doing? Learning something?" Rogers: " No, sir. I'm listening to you, sir?"

He: "It is a woman's duty to be beautiful if she can." She: "And it is a man's duty to make her think she is, whether she is or not."

Gardener: "This here is a tobacco plant in full flower." Lady : " How very interesting. And how long will it be before the cigars are ripe'-'"

Student: "What is pessimism?" Philosopher: "The faith of cowards." Student: "Then what is optimism?" Philosopher: " The faith of fools."

It is a pity that we do not give more heed to the still small voice, but it must b9 admitted that Conscience is far from being a delightful conversationalist.

Young Doctor: "Did you diagnose his case as appendicitis, or merely the. cramps?" Old Doctor: " Cramps. He didn't have money enough for appendicitis."

Maud: " Alas, George, it cannot be. This little hand is already pledged." Georrre (absent-mindedly): " What of that? Give me the ticket, and I'll redeem it."

Bridegroom: "What's the matter, driver?" Coachman : " The horse has justthrown a shoe, sir." Bridegroom: "Great Scott! Do even horses know we are just married?"

Aunt (ending an exciting story): "And when she had said this the bad fairy disappeared in a cloud of smoke and flame—" Niece (eagerly): " I know, auntie—in an automobile!"

Sportsman : " I have had an extraordinary piece of luck to-day." Non-Sporting Friend": "Made a good bag?" Sportsman: "Well, no, not exactly. But I was afraid I had hit a beater, and it turned out to be only a scarecrow."

She (ecstatically): " How kind of Nature to bestow upon the blind the faculty of distinguishing colours bv the sense of touch!" He (philosophically): "Yes; but it's not altogether confined to the sightless A fellow needn't be blind to feel blue."

Newitt: "Well, there's one thing about the weather. -It's always a safe topic of conversation." Burroughs: "J thought it was to-day when I met Lendham, but when I started to speak of it he said, 'Ye.?, it's unsettled, and that reminds me of that note of yours.'"

_ Lodging-house Keeper (to servant, who is leaving after a month's notice):" I warn you, Mary, if you refer anyone to me I shall tell them the exact truth about you." Servant (threateningly): "An' if yer does I'll have yer up for iuilammation o' charicter, so there!"

T am supposed to die of a broken heart," said the unmanageable actress. "Now, how am I to know how a person with a broken heart behaves?" "I'll tell you what to do," answered the cold-blooded managei. '" You study the author of this plav after he sees your first performance of it."

'"That Miss PI i there is a perfect beauty, isn't she'.''' said the first young man. "Well yes; she is rather pretty,' conceded the second young man. " But, after all, hers is a doll-like beauty.'' " That's so. I had noticed a certain wax-doll precision and exactness in her complexion." "Oh, the resemblance goes furthei than that. ' One evening bust week I called on her, and when I was leaving » slyly squeezed her, and she yelled 'Mamma!'"