ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 11692, 29 June 1901, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

" The? say the way to win a man is to .talk to hint about hipiself." "No; the way to win him is to let him talk to you about himself." " I suppose you will marry, though, when the golden opportunity offers, won't you?" " It will depend upon how much gold there Is in the opportunity." "But can't the dear little thing's father suggest some name?" "Yes; every night his father calls him a new name; but I'm afraid they wouldn't do." , Johnny: "I wish I could skip fractions, and go on to the next thing!" Uncle Ned: "But you can't, Johnny. You can't execute any flank movements in arithmetic." Husband (just return .d from the theatre): "I didn't enjoy t?io >'how very much; I forgot my glassc,:. 1 " Wile.: ''Perhaps yon did, John; but your bit-atb doesn't indicate it." Mother: "What are you crying for, child?' " Johnny hurt me." "How, pray?" " I was going to hit him with my fist when he ducked bis head, and I struck the wall." Husband: "Yes, dear, you look nice in that dress ; but it costs me a heap of money." Wife: " Freddie, dear, what do I care for money, when it is a question of pleasing you?" Mrs. Hix : " I don't take any stock in these faith cures brought about by the lay-ing-on of hands." Mrs. Dix: "Well, I do. I cured my little boy of the cigarette habit ill that way." Stern Father: "What an unearthly hour that young fellow stops till every night, Doris.' What does your mother say about it?" Daughter: " She says men haven't altered a bit, pa." Mamma: "What is Willie crying about?" Bridget: " Sure, ma'am, he wanted to go to Tommy Green's. They were having charades, he said, ma'am, and I wasn't sure as he'd had 'em yet." "Yes, sir,"' said the American, "a lie never passed the lips of George Washington." "H'h," answered the Britisher, "I suppose, like most of his countrymen, he spoke through his nose." Ted: " I thought they were going to be married on St. Patrick's Day?" Ned: " She was willing enough, and Phelin seemed to like the idea, until he suddenly thought of the orange blossoms." He: " A penny for your thoughts She: " It's a bargain, but I'm afraid you will not get full value for you? money." He.: " Well, here's the penny. Now, what were you thinking of?" She: "You." "I understand it was a case of love at first sight," lie said. "It was," replied the dearest friend of the woman in question. If he had looked a second time he never oculd have fallen in love with her." She: " A mathematician has calculated that a man sixty years old has spent three years of his life buttoning his collar." He "Is that so? I wonder how many years of her life a woman of forty-five has wasted in putting her hat on straight!" An old lady in primitive garments stood 011 the kerb near Charing Cross, saying in a. monotonous voice as the 'buses drew up, " I want the Bank; I want the Bank." One of the drivers heard her plea, and turned to a fare on a garden seat: " The old 'un don't want much, do she?"

Father (left in charge): "No, you cannot have any more cake." Very seriously: "Do you know what I shall have to do if you go on malting that dreadful noise?" Little Girl (sobbing): "Yes." Father: "Well, what is that?" Little girl: " Give me some more cake!" And she was quite right.