ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 11650, 11 May 1901, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

.Jot never feasts so high as when the first course is misery.

Three things are boundless—the horizon, foolishness, and love.

" Jones has a new cure for his obesity.'' "What is it?" "He worries himself thin over growing fat."

People who blow their own trumpet only play one tune on it, and the world soon tires of hearing that.

Anna:' "They say I have mv mother's mouth and nose." Lizzie: "Well, your mother was lucky to get rid of 'em."

He (in leaving): " I think I hare said good-bye to you before, miss." She: "Well I'm always glad to say good-bye to you." "

If you expect to get through this world without being censured and abused you had better take a back road and travel by moonlight.

"Do yon think the new clergyman can pull your church together again? "Oh vesthat is, if we get him started before''the golf-playing section gets hold of him."

"I guess that ain't me," said little Ralph as he gazed earnestly at a photograph of himself. " hat makes vou think ft isn't'" asked his mother. " Cause it's standing still too long to be me," was the reply. "

Orator: "Where else will you find in one spot such products as marble, iron clay chalk, copper, lead, slate, glucose, fruits of all kinds, hemp, flax, and all manner of grains? Man in the Audience :" In mv boy s pocket." J

Mrs. Newwife: " I feel sure that Alfred will bring me a lovely present from the city to-day. ' Miss Confidante: "An anniversary or birthday, dear?" Mrs. Newwife: Oh, dear, no ! But we had such a dreadml quarrel this morning."

Stout .Man (whose appetite has been the envy of his fellow-hoarders) : "I declare I have three buttons off my vest." Mistress of the House (who has been aching to give him a hint): « You will probably find then m the dining room, sir."

There is a story often told in Western newspaper offices of an editor ?who penned ~m • ° M * lng v; ' ! edictcry to his readers • This issue of the Dakota Dailv Dodder is the last. The paper was started ten°yearago owing to the editor's need of money, btrange to say, its discontinuance is due to the same cause."

Manager (to new actor): " Your performance of ' Hamlet ' is the very worst I've ever seen. If there had been any money in the house I should have been' bound in honour to return it at the doors. As it is several friends have sent in and peremptorily demanded that their names should be removed from the free list."

"I am sensible of the honour vou do mo, Mr. Mitchell, in the proposal of marriage you have just made," said the younu- hvfv with a.slight curl of the lip, "but circumstances over which I have no control compel me to decline the honour.'' " What are those circumstances? " demanded theyoun" man. "Yourcircumstances, Mr. Mitchell."

Husband (going to his rich uncle's funeral): " Put a couple of large handkerchiefs into my pocket, dear. The old gentleman promised to leave me £10,000. and I shall want to shed some appropriate tears." Wife: " But suppose when the will is read vou find he has not left you anything:'' Husband: "In that case you had better put in three."

When the new boarder went into the dining-room and sat down there was only one other person at the table. The new boarder had a kind heart, and thought he would be affable. " I sp'ose you've boarded here for some time'.'" he said to the other man. "Yes; quite a while." "How is it. Any good?" "Yes. pretty fair. I have no complaint to make." "Landlady treat vou decent?" "Well, perhaps 1 ought to"—and then he hesitated. " Oh, never mind, old man." said the new boarder. "That's all right. I'm on. But say, inebbe you never tried chucking her under the chin once in a while. That's the way to get on with 'em. I never had a landlady that didn't treat me Al yet. It's all in the way you handle 'em. Call 'em 'sister' and give 'em sweet, oozv talk about their looks. That's the way to fetch 'em. I bet I can live here for a month right now without beiif asked for a cent. Watch me nudge Her when she comes in. Before this time to-morrow she'll be tellin' me her family history. Poor old girl! She looks as if she'd had her troubles. Probably got tied up to some John Henry who was about man enough to shoo chickens out of the yard, and that's all. My name's Hudson. Let's see. I haven't heard yours, have I?" " —no. 1 believe not. But it doesn't matter. I'm just the landlady's husband."