WANTED-A WIFE.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVII, Issue 11432, 24 July 1900, Page 3

WANTED-A WIFE.

. fffWTr-OXK years ago I was sitting by ray }■' .-fireside totting up innumerable pages of my '■ bachelor's housokeepingrbook, taking exerBises in arithmetic' on lonj, columns of ;" ''petty cash"—comprising items tor carrots ' • ; " and bathbricks, metal tacks and mutton chops ' '-: —until, tired and wearied, I arrived at tho '■■■ gum total and jerked the book on the mantel- '- piece. Nearly, at the same time- I placed my hand in tho pocket of my dressing-gown, < ; drew out a leather case, and lit a " principe." -s ; .Well, having lit the "principe," I placed • *■ my feet on the fender and sighed, exhausted P -by. my long job of domestic accounts. I - I was then in business— a small whole--1 ' M lo business then, 'tis a largo one now-yot ?: one morning's tottings of carrots and baths' bricks, of metal tacks and mutton chops, 1 would tiro mo a thousand times more than I twenty-four hours of honest ledger-work. I I*' sighed, not from love, but from labour; lor, to tell the truth, I had never-been in love. 4. Is this to go on for ever? thought I, as I r . took my third whiff, and looked dreamily 7. through the thin smoke as it ascended bc- §■■ tween me and a large print of the capture of ■ Gibraltar, which hung over the chimneypiece Am I to spend my time in totting up parsnips, and computing carrots, and i : comptrolling washing-bills? 1 sighed again, I and in the act off flew the button ol my neckj band, as though some superior power had I seasonably sent the accident to remind me of I my helplessness. The button settled the business. I pitied • joy own lonely state, and pity, we know, is akin to love. But how was the matter to be I accomplished? Most men at, my age would already have j bestowed their affections upon some fair j idol; so that, having made up their minds and counted the cost, little more would have remained to be done than to decide upon the day, and take out the license. This, however, was not tho case with me. I had been toe ' much occupied, too idle, or too indolent to devote the time or make the effort to " form ! an attachment." It was through no disinclination or difficulty to be pleased, lor bad j an/ young lady of moderately agreeable ! powers taken the trouble she might have mar- . J ricd me long ere then. I should even have ! been grateful to her for taking the trouble ; off my hands; but 1 was too bashful to adopt j fee initiative. I was a bashful man. This weakness came ! from the same cause as my Uncle Toby's— I namely, a want of acquaintance with female ! society, which wan(. arose from another ' cause in my case, namely, too close an appli--1 cation to business. ! , Accordingly I thought of an advertisement; ' yet with no practical design of doing business. ! but, as I persuaded myself, for a joke, I j scribbled in pencil, on the back of a letter i tho following:—'

JOTANTED-A Wife. The advertiser does ft V not require cash, but only a companion. He is six-and-twenty, and, tired of single, he thinks he can settle down to married life. As men go, he believes he has a- moderate share of temper, and want of time is his only reason for having recourse to the newspapers. He has plough means for himself and a second party, ind is willing to treat at once. He is quito tware that a great many attempts to convert lis honest intentions into an extravagant Joke will be made, but he warns all rash intruders. If he finds a man hardy enough to cake sport of 'his affections, he will thrash lm; if a woman, he will forgive her. lie has ! heart for tho sincere, a horsewhip for the mperturent. In either case, all applications nil be promptly attended to if addressed to ♦ ft; at the 'office of this paper; none hut Vincipals need apply.

I felt, proud of my composition, and puffed away my. "principo" with a vague glee and anticipation of something coming out of it. I had no very great idea that anything but fun would result; and I certainly bud not the slightest. notion of involving myself in a personal collision with any one; still the presentiment that it was not designed to be all a barren joke pressed upon me. On Saturday the advertisement appeared, and I heard its style canvassed by all my friends, and it was jokingly suggested by more than one that I was the domesticallydestitute individual who put it forth. On Monday morning I sont a boy to the newspaper office for P.P.'s letters. I expected he might be followed by some curious and inquisitive persons; so I told him on his way back to call at a bachelor neighbour's of mine for a book. The trick told. The lad was followed by some persons whe never lost sight of him until they ran him to my friend's,- and then they went back and announced that he was the advertiser. I thus discharged in full one or two practical jokes which my neighbour had played upon me. TllO answers were of the usual character; several seeking to elicit ray name, and still. more suggesting'places of meeting, where I 1 was to exhibit myself with, a flower in my j button-hole and a white handkerchief in my hand. One only looked like business. It was from a lady, who proposed an interview in a neighbouring city, about 10 miles north. She said there was something so frank and straightforward in my advertisement that she was convinced th.it it was real, and she could rely upon my keeping her name Secret, if, after we met, nothing came of the meeting. She would, therefore, meet me at the -—, at G ,on a certain ''ay, and if mutual approbation did not follow the interview, why there was no harm done. Most people would have put this down as a trap to give me a journey for nothing. I did not. A presentiment impelled me to accept and keep the engagement. This was in the, old coaching days, when a man had time to mako.an acquaintance in 40 miles; not so now, when you are at your journey's end before you have looked round your company in a railway carriage. There wore, hut two inside, myself and it pleasant, talkative honest-faced, elderly gentleman. Shy and timid in female society, 1 was yet esteemed animated and agreeable enough amongst my own so:. We had no trouble, therefore, in inakim, ourselves agreeable to one another; so much so, thai as the coach approached 0 , and the old gentleman learned that I meant to stop there that night, he asked me to waive ceremony and have, a cup of tea with him after I dined at my

' My " fair engagement" was not till next day,. end. as J liked the old gentleman, I accepted his offer. After mv pint of sherry, and a wash, I went in search of my coach companion and my promised cup of tea. I lad no difficulty in finding hire. out. for he was a man 'of substance and some importance in the p!w. 1 was shown into the drawing-room. My old friend received me heartily and introduced me to bis wife and five daughters. "All spinsters, sir." said he: "young . ladies whom air indiseriminating world seems 'disposed to leave upon my hands." "If we don't sell, papa," said the eldest, Who, with her sisters" seemed to reflect her father's fun, "it is not lor want of puffing, for all your introductions are advertisements." At the mention of the last word I lelt a little discomposed, and almost regretted my engagement fertile next day, when that very m?ht,'perhaps, my providential opportunity had arrived 1 need not trouh!" my readers with all our sayings and doing* during tea: suffice it to »y that I found thorn a veiy pleasant, friendly family, and was surprised lo find * forgot all mv shyness and timidity, en couraged by their good- tempered ease and conversation. Thev did not inquire whether * Was married or single, tor where there wore f»'e young unmatcd daughters the question might seem invidious, I, however, in the freedom of the moment volunteered the inlormation of mv baehelo-hood. 1 thought I had no sooner communicated 'lie fact than the girls passed round a glance ™ arch intelligence from one to the other. 1 cannot tell yon how odd ! felt at that moment. My sensations were hotwocn pleasure ™ confusion, as a suspicion crossed my ""I'd, and helped, 1 felt, to colour mv cheek, . IresentK; however, the »|de<r. with an asj aimed indifference, which cost her an effort, ; : asked where I. was staying. g. At the — Hotel." I answered, with |; ""He embarrassment It was with some dif- .;. acuity they retrained a laugh; thev bit their : »ps, and I had no long"- a suspicion, I was .!, Wtain.; So, after having some music, when m {. J ose , to depart I mustered courage as I •;. Da ae them good-bye, to say aside to the | West;.'' Shall P.P. „„„,;,,,./ this the inter§MW) I'/Innocecco (old me that I had sent H"p random arrow to (ho right quarter; so gat Pressed the natter no further at that mop "lenUut I did her hand. I•'•'lhni remained at my hotel next day until an m '• "f after the appointed time, but no one pu ,V' n M.appearance. '■'•• 0 -, ,?,"'." "'ought 1. while performing my W Mai since the mountain will not come to SS°>"? let, -T Mallomet must go to the mom- , L a '»; so I walked across to my old friend's, ' $* young 'adier wore all in. Tho eldest will, some embroidery at tho • *™ flQ w.' 1 had, therefore, an opportunity. *g;M «ant over the frame, to whisper: "S.S. dfeß not punctual." p?£isS^ m JP? in her face and neck was now lnr, n „ P i l H p sceptic himself would no ■KnEW?- 1 need say »° more. That m ? ln hcr father ' s garden, she confessed ' brL mi ,lcr siste " had conspired to 'S me U !'- t0 G—°" a fool's errand. scmJp°?' ° f course, to keep the en- ' ••lako ir!"'- !!m1 '■ " s ' nc ' y° u designed to happy» in, < " must consent to make mo fei&^:l^te S ™ loOkinS ° Ver *^&nwTmF ,0 '* c ' ask your mamm