ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVII, Issue 11346, 14 April 1900, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

After all, the great coeducational mstj. tution is marriage. \ ' '

He is a good man who has done half as much good as he meant to do. ■ "?• ,

The lowest seat may not be the most pleasant one, but it is generally the safest.,

Rumour has a thousand tongues, of which about nine hundred are devoted to scandal. ■'

"Colonel, do you think there is any money in horse-racing?";'• "Yes, indeed! All mine is." i."

Doctor: "After this you ought to sleep like a baby." Patient (anxiously) : "I hope you don't mean like my baby, doctor."

" When a woman who is proposed to sayg 'No,'" remarks a philosopher, "she generally means 'yes;' and when she says ' yes' she means 'yes.' Take your choice.", ■

Bellows: "Now, if you were in my shoe?, what do you think you would do?? Breeze (examining them): "Well, I certainly think I should get another pair."

Cliolly (at the yacht club): "I say, you' boys; you're quite wrong' in talking about a ship as 'sic' " The skipper : " Why so?" Cholly: "Why, suppose it's a mailsteamer?" ' \±

"Is your mamma in?" " What's your name?" "I'm Mr. Whiteband, the new minister." ; "Then I think mamma's expectin' 'cause she said she'd bet a shit] lin' you'd be sure to come on washing.' day." jj

Frank: "I knew Penn would be a poet when he was a baby." Ida: "What were, the symptoms?" Frank: "He was found in a basket on the doorstep." Ida: "I. don't see anything in that." Frank: "But it was a waste-paper basket."

A hawker was belabouring bis poor don-, key so unmercifully that an old lady, watching bin from her parlour window, at length could stand it no longer. "Have you no mercy?" she cried. "No, mum," replied the hawker; "nothing but fish!" .

"Bobby is attending to his pianoforte lesems very faithfully of late," said the youth's uncle, "Yes," replied his mother, "I don't have any trouble with him about that now." ''How did you manage it?" " Some of the neighbours complained of the noise his exercises made, and I. told himabout it. Nov he thinks it's fun to practise."

Scorjel: "Bonis, what are you looking so blue about? Have you lost a friend?" Struggling Author: "I sent a copy of my last play to Naggins, the reviewer, the other day, arid he has just written it up. He says it is done in my ' happiest vein.' *. Scorjel: "Well, what's wrong with that? l: Struggling Author: "Confound it, it's-;'' tragedy!"

Employer: "I am very suspicious of young men nowadays. You can't tell how they're going to turn put. Why, in six months they know a great deal more about your business than you do yourself, and want to manage it entirely." Applicant for Situation: "I can assure you, sir, that if you engage me I will devote as little time as possible to your business." .'. ft

An English chaplain in Corsica once con« ducted a funeral service in a lovely spot, under a magnificent fruit tree. " Was this a favourite resort of your wife?" he asked the .hearfc-buoken widower, "Well, not exactly," stammered the mourner, "but I buried mv first wife here, and the tree has thriven so remarkably well ever since that I decided to bring my second wife to it also.".' ' .', '-■ : •