THE LOVE OF WOMAN.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVI, Issue 11200, 21 October 1899, Page 1 (Supplement)

THE LOVE OF WOMAN.

[BY MIZPAn.]

I have read recently that under the present marriage system "woman is certainly free to exercise her selective love."

My contention is that, in the majority of marriages, woman does most certainly not exercise any selection in the matter. On the contrary—and here may Ibe pardoned for contradicting so eminent an authority as Professor Bickerton ("The Romance of the Earth")l contend that it is man who selects and woman who reciprocates, and not vice versa. Without doubt, the whole crux of the marriage question rests here. After marriage, a woman's nature and temperament decide the question of her happiness; but it is not always her fault that disagreements arise, for it taxes all a woman's resources to know how to please' certain men. Before marriage, a woman can determine her fate to this extent can refuse to marry any man who asks her; thereby running the risk great risk in these daysof remaining single for the rest of her life; but, though she may refuse this man, she has not the power to marry the other man whom her selective love would choose. Sometimes it happens that the man upon whom a woman's choice falls is he who sees in her all the qualities essential to his future wife. Then, it is he who is reciprocative. In this case, knowing that he is her elected husband, the woman may hold herself to blame if things do not turn out happily; for she should have weighed the pros and cons before encouraging the man. She must hold the reins, not of government, perhaps, but of agreement; and her tact will bridge over many a developing stream of bickering. It rarely happens that both natures are so well suited, one to the other, so entirely in sympathy, and that there is consequently such perfect love and trust between husband and wife, as to ensure life-long and continual affection.

The majority of marriages are, I fully behave, dependent on chance. The fiction about their being made in Heaven is obsolete. There cannot be a "fate" in the matter. A man is thrown into the company of a certain woman, he is captivated bv a pretty face, by coquettish glances, conscious or otherwise, by a thousand things, which only a man can tell. Whatever be the fascination, its spell lasts long enough to make him pay little attentions to the girl. He likes to think that he is in love; he hugs the fancy to himself; and, after not very deep reflection, he asks her to marry him. She, flattered as every woman is at being so honoured, ponders, or at once accepts him. She cannot remember having felt any distinct drawing towards this man in particular; but he is obviously devoted to her. She does wish that it had been a certain somebody else; but somebody else may never ask her nor, for that matter, may anybody else i, her that honour. She begins to thin, that the passionate selective love she has .. nmt of is but an invention of the novelist. . She must not keep this poor fellow waiti',.- in suspense, for two reasons—first, that iv is cruel to do so; second, that he may feel jvqued and ride away. The latter is perhaps Jie more cogent. The chances are that he will 'lake a good husband. So she accepts him",' 'nd drifts into a comforting feeling of affection, and they live, happily or unhappily, according to tact or temperament. This constitutes, I maintain, the "raison d'etre" of most marriages. Every woman naturally wishes to marry to feel that she is not alone, without kith or kin, to have her own home and children about her—to be, in short, like other women; and since A is a possibly good husband, and X, as yet, an unknown quantity, a " bird in the hand" must be accepted, and the rest left to chance.

There are cases when the flattered vanity of the woman does not develop into affection, and where the man has married in order to have the comforts of home. He is the first man who lias shown her attention; her ideas go no further than the added dignity of being married. She attains the dignity, to the envy and mortification, as she thinks, of older girls; lie builds four walls, and they call the establishment " home." They may suit each other admirably; the girl may develop into a worthy woman; the man may make a good average husband. But what a lottery 1 And how many draw blanks! Woman's intuition is great; not, perhaps, as great as some would haye us believe. But, given a woman of 25 years, with wellbalanced mind, and you will find sufficient intuition to guide her aright. Suppose that woman to meet, perhaps daily, perhaps seldom, perhaps once, a man who she believes intuitively would make for her an ideal husband.

Is she free to use her " fastidiously selective love?" Her common sense will not allow her to drift into love that may never be reciprocated, Her modesty and selfrespect will never allow her to reveal the fact that this is the man she would choose. What must she do?

Someone has flippantly remarked that one often meets one's ideals, but does not manage to secure an introduction to them. Here is a case where a true word is spoken in jest. You may suggest that a woman's ingenuity will overcome this difficulty. It will, if she is reckless of her own modesty and heedless of remarks, which may just happen to be repeated to the man. But, with an ordinary retiring, sensitive, and sensible woman, the case is different. Chance may throw her into the company of the man; she may use all her arts to make him reciprocate, or she may shrink from letting him guess the fact that it is she who has first selected him.

It may never occur to the unimaginative man that this woman, if allowed a free choice, unfettered by the conventionalities of custom, would have chosen him. He may even admire her from a respectful distance; but she must never take the initiative. They may be in different spheres o'f life. He may stoop, and seek her acquaintance ; she must only hope in silence, leaving all to chance. Probably she will never know him; probably he will marry someone else when he wishes for a home, and she—l Some day, another man, whom she has not selected, will ask her hand. Years pass quickly; her youth is going, and she reflects thus: "I know him well, he lias patiently waited, and he loves me. Since they say that love begets love, I will let it come. It will not b& the passionate love of my being; but it will be true and abiding. Therefore, I will marry him." Perhaps it is better so. The other man might have developed failings— knows? Such a woman, who sacrifices her heartlove, and who marries, not only with the intention of being happy, but also with the determination of living for the man who has chosen her, will make her own and his happiness. She deserves a kind, loving husband, and her influence will, probably ensure his being so. It will rest almost entirely with herself whether happiness results or not. But, did she not deserve an opportunity of testing her intuition? Being sensible, she would have carefully questioned her own choice before allow.-ng herself to be entirely swayed by her emotions. I reassert, then, that in this age of enlightenment, woman cannot exercise her selective love. Nor will she, as long as she is fettered by her own modesty and self-respect. When she comes forward unasked, and of her own free will declares her love, she will have sacrificed the very instincts of her womanliness. • The rare instances of devoted love, such as that of the Brownings, will not be multiplied; but the day is at hand when woman need not consider herself bound to accept the first proposal of marriage. As a matter of fact, the day has dawned, and women, by being removed from their narrow sphere, are finding out that there may be much happiness in life, even for the unmarried. Granting this, and recognising the possible scope of woman in world-life, I still favour the old-fashioned idea that all women should marry; and I am convinced that, in their inmost hearts, all women wish to be wives, and are dissatisfied at the non-realisation of their childish dreams. By the alteration of, a word, the following lines of Burns suggest the course for the noblest woman: — " To make a happy household clime .. ' - For weans and wife , .T Is the true pathos and sublime U' - Of human lile."