ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXXVI, Issue 11056, 6 May 1899, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"Do yon go to school, my little man?" asked the smiling visitor. " No," drawled the hopeful, "I'm sent." " Miss Penilesse says she will only marry a man who is well off." " She won't if the man knows when he is well off." A Cynical View of the Matter.—But: "A man is known by his companions." Cut: "Some men aren't, or they'd neve) have any." Left the Prices On.—Gertie: " Have Algy's attentions been at all marked?" Bir die: "Marked—! He never took 1 ticket off anything!" " Did you hear the dreadful news about Mrs. King? Her husband has run away and left her." "How awful!" " But that' - ! not the worst—he has come back!" ill's. Brown: " Good gracious, John whatever has kept you so late?" Brown: " Urgent biznish, M'ria." Mrs. Brown: " But wouldn't it keep till to-morrow?" Brown: "No, m'dearj not after cork'sb drawn!" At the Zoo.—Grandpa: " Don't get frightened, Willie; the tiger is about to be fed. That's what makes him jump and roar so." Willie (easily): " Oh! I ain't afraid of him, grandpa. Papa's the same when his meals ain't ready." Judge (who is bald-headed): "If half what the witnesses testify against you is true, from his host's tiny, blue-eyed daughter, who hair. Prisoner: "If a man's conscience is regulated by his hair, then your honor hasn't got any conscience at all." No Occasion for Worry —Fred : " I must warn you, dearest, that after we are married you will very likely find me inclined to be arbitrary and dictatorial in my manner." Carrie: "No matter; I won't pay tie slightest attention to what you say." Observant Child— : " Say, Tommy, let's play at being pa and ma." Tommy: " All right. You bring in the dinner, then 111 say 'It's the third time we've had cold meat this week.' And then you say, 'It isnt. And then 111 get up and say ft wicked word, and then you cry." Two old Scotch friends met and referred to the days when they had been sweethearts. At last he said, "Ay, Jennie, an' 1 hae na loved anybody since you. I hae never forgotten you." "John,"'she replied, with a little moistening of the eye, " you're just as big a leear as ever, an' I believo yo jist the same."

Safe.—First Saleswoman: "Do you know that Clara Lacey is engaged to Mr. Strutter, the floorwalker?" Second Saleswoman: „ ou do " J say!" First Saleswoman: Xes; and he is awfully jealous of her. He Had her transferred from the necktie counter to the bargain counter." Second Sales™m?n ' „ ~ ess! Why the bargain counter.' First Saleswoman; " Because no men go there, you know!"

A well-known statesman, visiting a the house of a certain bishop, asked for a kiss trom his hosts tiny, blue-eyed daughter, whowas handing him some bread-and-butter at afternoon tea m the drawingroom. " No." said the child, " I won't tiss 'oo." " Why'" he asked, smilingly. To the amazement of the other guests, the child replied '"Cause my nitfse says 'oo is ruining the country I"